Wednesday, March 30, 2011

How I learned not to date at work.

In college, I worked as a desk assistant in the dorms.  That meant I sat behind a partitioned desk from about 8pm to 8am and checked out keys to drunk college kids who lost their keys while out drinking illegally. I also played a lot of pinball.

It was shortly after breaking up with my boyfriend, who had left for the semester break and just, not come back, that one of the dorm security guards, Bobert (named changed for anonymity), made it a point to stop by my desk to chat for a while every evening that we had the same schedule. And then, he asked me out on a date.  I usually just fell into boyfriends after I made them watch Total Recall with me so I hadn't gone on many actual dates, and he was quite handsome, so I was excited to go, though I was not really looking for a relationship... which is a good thing because a relationship TOTALLY wasn't going to happen.

I’m sorry, have I ruined the surprise for you? Yeah, the fact that I “changed his name for anonymity” should have been the first clue… anywho, carrying on…

Bobert decided to take me to a dinner and movie, which is standard dating fare from what I understand.  We were both in college so I was not expecting all that much, but I certainly was not expecting the 99 cent menu at Wendy’s.  But alas, he was handsome and had a totally bitchin’ beard, so junior bacon cheeseburger it was.
We found a seat and I began eating my burger while we chatted, only I was on a date, so instead of shoving the whole burger into my face, I tore off dainty pieces and nibbled them cutely… until I realized that he was staring at me like I was a complete freak of nature.

“What are you doing?” he said gesturing at my neatly torn quarters of hamburger.

“… Eating?”

“Why are you eating like a squirrel?” he demanded.

“I… I eat this way?”

How do you respond to that?  I suppose I could have told him I was of squirrel ancestry and if he was prejudiced against rodentia we could just end this now and he could take me home, which might have been slightly better. But, we somehow resolved the issue of my wildly inappropriate manner of eating and ventured on to the next leg of our date.

Being the big spender he was, instead of going to the movie theater at the mall, Bobert took me across the street to the dollar theater.  For those who don‘t know, once upon a time, they had theaters where tickets only cost a dollar and they played movies that had played at other real theaters but now, a month or two later, were available for much cheaper.  This particular theater was playing a movie I had already seen, a real romantic flick show called “A Time To Kill.”  But again, it was a new experience for me, so I just went with it, though I was getting a little less patient.

Now I have mentioned this was a date, and as such, I had gussied up some.  You know, clean clothes, brushed hair, lipstick, eyeliner, I might have even been wearing eye shadow because I wasted time on things like that back then. And so, I was completely mortified when Bobert began a rant, as we waited for the movie to begin, about how he had come to the conclusion that women who wore makeup were horrible ugly people who had no self-esteem and had to cover their terrible personalities with a slathering of bright colors. After blinking at him in disbelief, I recovered and blurted, “I think men have beards for the same reason!” TAKE THAT BEARD FACE!

About that time, the lights went down and I was relieved to escape into the world of horrific racism, murder, and  KKK meetings that the movie he had chosen to take me to was actually about, while arranging myself into a “DANGER position” and trying to scoot myself as far away from him as I could in my rickety-assed dollar theater chair, so he would stop “accidentally” touching my hand/leg/aura.



I spent the whole ride home in the same position, not even trying to make conversation any more, just staring out the window, waiting for my escape. The date ended with me pressed against the door waving with one hand while clawing at the door handle with the other.

And then I sat and fretted that I was now going to have to see this person every weekend, because we worked together and it was actually his job to come check on me. I prepared myself for it at work with extra magazines and books, so I could artfully ignore him when he came in, but he didn’t… until about two months later. At about 2 am, the door to the lobby opened and he came in with his security clipboard and his stupid beard. Thankfully, I had had enough of a wait so I was no longer allergic to him though I wasn't terribly excited to see him either. The passage of time allowed me to be cordial while he told me how much he had enjoyed our date and explained that his sister (a.k.a. my hero) had gotten mono directly after our date so he took some time off and that was why I hadn’t heard from him. I assured him it had not been a problem, at all.  I have not had one moment of regret since, though, that I never saw him or his beard again after that night.


p.s. For the record, I love beards, just not beard-faced jerk-heads.

32 comments:

  1. Thanks for taking me back in time. I have been married for 18 years and with my husband for 20 years so it's been a while since I went on one of "those" dates! I enjoy your writing! Thanks for giving me one more reason to be greatful for my husband!

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  2. This will be useful information for my high school senior daughter. That is, if she will dump Numb Nuts (my pet name for her boyfriend), and get out into the dating scene once again and suffer the way the universe meant for us to suffer, date-wise. I'm bookmarking this page. Many thanks!

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  3. I would have totally called him on his asshat-ery. Seriously. I mean, it's one thing if you guys were going dutch or discussed if it would be a problem having a date on the cheap.

    You sure could pick 'em apparently. lol ;)

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  4. This reminds me of my ex....except I was dumb and actually stayed with him for seven months. He had a beard...and was an ass. And he was cheap. In fact, I think I paid for 99% of our dates...

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  5. omigod I MISS the dollar theater! & I can understand cheap, but damn...

    at least he didn't try to get you to give him his insulin shot at a movie on your second date... that happen to me once. I hate dating.

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  6. Freaking hilarious!

    You had me laughing out loud at the table, whilst I ignored my beard-face...

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  7. The dollar theater we went to in college served beer. Best place ever. Now it's some high-end furniture store with a bunch of snooty clerks. Wonder if they know how many people have puked on those floors....Love your blog!

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  8. that's actually kind of funny....but puts me on guard for when I got to college. Stories for the grandkids.....when they get older.....

    ^_^
    Love,
    Kitty
    I wish you enough CHEESE.

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  9. What a douche! I especially like the beard part, lol.

    Ona side note, you've inspired me. I want to write about my yesteryear dating shenanigans too... like the time a had a guy take me to see Passion of the Christ and tried to make out with me during the scene where Jesus is being horrifically whipped with a cat-of-ninetails. I'm sitting there with tears running down my cheeks and this weirdo was trying to grab up on my bewbies. That was some all out creepiness right there!

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  10. Funny, thumbs up. Looking forward for more blarg posts. :)

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  11. Guess what! There are still dollar theaters...in Utah.

    I would also like to admit that I've been on some pretty bad dates, right? So one time I went bowling with this guy and he knew I had tiny hands and fingers based on the size of my bowling ball. So, naturally, he started talking about how he finds women with long, slender fingers attractive. Uh, date over?

    New follower! Glad you became a Blog of Note--so that I could find you.

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  12. LMAO squirrel bitch goin H.A.M on a nigga

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  13. I used to love beards, especially goatees, until I went on a date with one guy who sneezed and ended up with a goatee full of booga...I'll leave out the time he drunk to much and vomited...

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  14. I totally had an experience like this, except instead of Actively-Offensive-Creeper he was Passively-Obsessive-Creeper. First date: 30 Days of Night (nasty Alaskan Vampires!) Second date: hiking (that's totes okay in a general sense) and then I wanted to see someone else more seriously/exclusively, and he got pissed at me because he thought "we had something good going."

    Found you through BoN and I'm glad I did!

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  15. I found your blog via Blogs of Note, clicked it purely for the awesomeness of the title, and now I feel the need to read every dang post XD Nice work, lol. Funny stuff!

    App-O-Plectic

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  16. That's great!! I've had similar dating experiences back in the day, so I found this incredibly entertaining. :)

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  17. This blog made me crack up. One, because you're hilarious and two, because almost every girl can totally relate to you and this awful date. Sounds like you tried to make the best of it though lol. Thanks for the great laugh! :-) Def following your blog now and I'm looking forward to reading your next post!

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  18. I had almost the exact same experience! He offered to take me to McDonald's, but I upped it to Arby's. We saw "Stranger Than Fiction" at the 'cheap seats' and he didn't get it. Only, we weren't in college; he had a real job.

    ps. my captcha was "emoobat". :) Could you draw an emo bat?

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  19. Hahahah, I find the danger position useful when on public transport next to a 'creeper' as i call them. I am glad it is something shared by others :D

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  20. So this post and all of its Hilariousness made my day at least 5 times better. Thanks.

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  21. Hey really funny. Could you please check my blog out when you get a chance. Bro Life

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  22. "prejudiced against rodentia" - golden.

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  23. I to have suffered at the hands of an ill forged love affair with a dorm security gaurd. He had given me a life size Tigger stuffed animal. Apparently living in the dorms means you enjoy life size stuffed animals.
    Thank you for the laugh and allowing me to laugh at myself!

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  24. bahaha, i love the way you write, this has provided me with very entertaining procrastination material and I thanks you.
    http://mcqueenismymorphine.blogspot.com/

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  25. Isn't it funny how it's often bearded guys (who wear 'ironic' clothing- nothing artificial or self-esteem related to that hmm?) who make simplistic, crass statements like that?

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  26. Hillarious, but too bad, he got a lot of homework to learn about dates =)

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  27. I don't think I have any good date stories I can leverage for my blog. It's no fair. Well, I mean, I have LOTS of them, but they fall squarely into the "disastrous trainwreck" or "boringly awkward" categories. And that's so hard to make fun of.

    Maybe if I got a sex change I'd have funnier bad dates!

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  28. @Shad- You should totally do that. FOR THE BLOG!!!

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  29. Congratulations on being chosen the Blarg of Note...this post was hilarious....

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  30. Hilarious post...but don't hate on the guy cuz he's not Noah Calhoun from the notebook!

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  31. What is it about men with beards that we associate with being sensitive? I mean, Walt Whitman has been dead for a hundred years, and like all the guys that you'd actually WANT to date, he was gay. Did we learn nothing? By now, I recognize that douchebags are their own race with identifying characteristics and all. So sad. :-)

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