Monday, August 8, 2011

Super Sneaky Lard-O-Matic

As much as I don't like offending other people, I find that just being me tends to do it sometimes. As I alluded to in "When Food Attacks," I don't diet. Beyond my base objections to it, I have a billion allergies and food intolerances and a disease that made me starve for 6 years as a result, so I'm not interested in denying myself food by choice. In general, I tell people this once and they leave me alone, but sometimes, strangers like to be helpful, noticing that I am what people consider 'OMG SO FAT!' and assume that I am obviously dieting and need their helpful advice, which I don't. I've learned from this that it really freaks people out when you respond to secret special diet information with, "Oh, thanks, no, I don't diet." It's this scandalous moment when I could have just as easily said, "Oh, no thank you, do you have grandchildren? I would like to roast them and eat them while baying at the moon, naked."

I know that it is easier sometimes to just nod and wander away, but some people just won't leave it alone.

The diet conspiracy lady approached me several years ago in the frozen food aisle of a Publix Supermarket. I had to work the next day and didn't feel like making myself lunch and so I was looking at the huge selection of frozen entrees that were on sale. I stood there, slack jawed, looking at all the different varieties wondering if any of them were actually palatable. Crazy diet lady sidles up to me. 'Oh lord, she is gonna start talking to me,' I realize after I've made accidental eye contact with her.
"A lot of choices, huh?"
Fuck... fine, my fault for looking at her, "Sure are. Do you know if any of these actually taste good?"
"I mean, some of them are okay, I've been trying to drop those last 20 pounds so I know this one is pretty good, very low fat, but you don't want those, you want these," and she motions over to a freezer full of a popular diet company's dinners which happen to be 3 times more expensive than the ones I was looking at. I look over, smile and nod politely and try to steer my way back to the sale dinners. "These," she points to more low calorie meals, "you should NEVER get these."
"Oh," I say.
"Oh, yes, I heard, " she says, leaning in, "That they SNEAK calories into their food."
"Oh, I'm not worried about calories..."
"What!?" she sounds nervous.
"I, uh, I don't diet. I was just looking for something that was cheap and fairly tasty."
"Oh," she says. "Oh..." and she grabs her cart and scampers away, looking back at me like I just admitted I like licking kitten feet.

Which, with their forays into litter boxes, I totally am not into.

As much as it may be your urge, I am not interested (still) in debating the topic of dieting. At all. Still a humor blarg.  And "OMG SO FAT" is not an insult in my eyes so no need to try to reassure me.  I am quite content in my body, no matter what the size. That is all.


  1. Dude licking kitten feet sounds like it would actually be a fun pastime. Kitten feet are cute!

    The downside would be having your tongue sliced to ribbons by kitten claws.

    We don't have Publix down here in the southwest, so I dunno if they market different brands than here, but I find that Banquet (in particular the fried chicken meals) are actually decent. Nothing like homemade of course, but should the need arise in the future, that's my suggestion.

    Hahahahahaha Your picture gave me a manic grin. That's almost exactly what I pictured in my head upon reading "they sneak in calories."

  2. This reminds me of that new internet meme. It goes like so.

    How people view me

    -drawing of average Joe/Jill-

    How people view me after I tell them -insert something here-

    -drawing of the person with characteristics-

    So if I were to do one...

    How people view me

    -Drawing of redheaded girl-

    How people view me after I tell them I'm Irish

    -Drawing of flaming redheaded woman wearing all green and dancing-

    Geddit? :D

  3. Your "roast them and eat them while baying at the moon" was my favorite chuckle today. I just get out there and work hard and push myself after 28 years of mainly slowly dying indoors in an office, most of that time actually below ground, (so I was already buried?). Plus have lotza new toys and get to help people, so mst of the time it is okay even if its terribly hot outside.

  4. oh dear goodness. why do ppl feel the need to assume everyone is dieting. well, i guess because 98% of the population is on some sort of "diet." ugh. spare me! and the running away thing when you say you aren't! hilarious! i have to eat a certain number of carbs - but not too many carbs - to keep myself on an even keel. but i shudder at ppl calling it a "diet." *shudder*

  5. WTF. I cannot believe anyone would just walk up to another person and proceed to give them food advice. It should be legal to barf on their shoes.

  6. @Jelli- You would think that, but fat people are accosted all the time "for their own good." It is quite obnoxious, in fact. Thankfully, I give off a "happy to be me" vibe so I don't get it nearly as much anymore as I used to.

  7. Because Americans are obsessed with looking like bobble dolls and no one stopped to think that a)thats gross b)thats stupid c)not really normal d)doesnt taste good. The no food that is, not the bobble headed dolls. I've never eaten a bobble headed doll. though if it were made of bacon I totally would, anyway. Whenever people tell me how they diet and give me "advice" I tell them I can only be so good to my body because i have to balance it with being good to my tongue too. I sneak calories into food If i have to make it for someone I know is always dieting. A little butter here, a huge glug of cream there...It makes me grin.

  8. @Jules- I think people should be happy however they naturally look. Some people are extremely thin no matter what and their bodies are just as valid and shouldn't be shamed either, but no, people shouldn't all have to look the same and certainly shouldn't have to deny themselves tasty noms to feel that they belong or are worthy of love and respect. =D

  9. Do you ever wonder where these folks come from? I mean, seriously? How weird can you get?

    Oh, and btw, as far as the media is concerned, your average toothpick is omgsofat, so really, everyone is in the omgsofat club.

  10. I dont get why anyones happiness should be tied to how they appear. Beauty is practically currency in our country, or at least the hollywood version of what is beautiful is anyway.

  11. Since I'm always trying to be fitter (not skinnier!!) so that I can be better at Roller Derby and maybe do a Figure Competition, I have all sorts of useless facts stuffed into my head. I find it's not really that hard to resist accosting people at the store to tell them about it though. All I need to do I smile and say hi and walk away! Woo! I resisted annoying someone!!

    As for frozen food, my boyfriend and I like to make our own frozen meals sometimes because then is doesn't have all the "super sneaky" anything in it. ^_^ And making an extra big batch of something when I cook is actually easier and then I get lasagna later! Or those pasta bowls from the grocery store are good according to the boy, but that's more because we like lots of veggies and not too much salt and are boring.(Does this mean we are bobble heads?)

  12. When I was skinny I would have women come up to me in the store and tell me that I needed to eat more. Now that I am fat I have women come up to me in the store and tell me to eat less. When I was at a medium weight I had both of them coming up to me telling me to eat more or less... regardless of my weight I just smile and say, "Thank you for the advice, but I am actually dieing tomorrow and I am planning my last meal."

  13. When it comes to our weight we can't win. I too got told all the time "Eat a Cheeseburger!" because I was horribly ill and couldn't gain weight but refused to wear a sign saying that. I think my pin would have said " fu & ur cheeseburger ... I'm on the sickly smurf plan! " Passive aggressive but would make me feel better. And now that I'm recover(ing) and have over gained I get the "lay off the cheese". oh well. I have never dieted and won't. Life is too short to deny ourselves the things that are beautiful.

    Be Well JRose.

  14. Nobody comes up to me in the store with recommendations. I just give them the insane white eye look. Yes, I'm reading the posts backwards this week.


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