Thursday, April 6, 2017

Neural Network Cookbook- Now Illustrated!

Janelle Shane, a research scientist, has been teaching cooking to a neural network. A neural network is basically Skynet if you didn't know. After letting it look at tens of thousands of cookbook, she set it free to create its own recipes, the best of which you can see here. Taking inspiration from the list, I have some cookbook illustrations for you:
















to see additional cookbook illustrations 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

My hole is gonna be HUGE!

I’ve been waiting for a while to discuss this, because this friend of mine in high school once told me about this theory she called “The Point of Light” and the idea is that when you are excited about something, the more you talk about it, the less likely it is to happen, and since I grew up in a household where that was basically the rule, the idea stuck. I know that seems like it has nothing at all to do with lights, but it does if you imagine your anticipation to be a pinprick in the dark that lets light in, and the more you share it with others, the bigger the hole in the darkness gets and apparently bigger holes are less appealing to the gods of wish granting. I think her theory might have been slut-shaming me. Anyway, now that Exciting Event I Didn’t Want to Jinx ™ has happened, (and not without a ton on ridiculousness attached to it) I am free to talk about it.

I moved AND I’m not exceedingly poor anymore, thanks to the government (for the time being, as long as President Dickface and his Zany Cabinet ™ don’t fuck up financial aid for old-assed people going to college. That would be my husband, not me.) Mr. Rose is a college student now and we are living in an adorable tiny house on a college campus in Montana with our cat and a veritable menagerie of woodland creatures. It’s adorable. A gopher cut me off as I was going to get in my car yesterday. Bunnies frolic on our front lawns. It could only get cuter if they talked, or carried tiny baskets with them (makes a note to buy tiny baskets).



But the not being really really poor part is exciting for me. When I’ve said I was poor, I mean, we had no actual income for three straight years and very little for years before that. Like, my mom gave us money to cover things we really needed during that time (‘cause who wants to live with a person who needs - but can’t afford - tampons), and the government paid for our food, but otherwise, I didn’t touch my debit card for literally years. I was actually confused when I had to use it again because ATM technology has changed so much in the last 5 years or so since I last used one. And with the influx of money that I now have access to, I have discovered a deep and passionate love for makeup. I want all the makeup. I don’t have all the makeup, and I should probably curb my appetite for it since, holy shit, makeup these days is so expensive, but it is all so pretty.

That’s not to say that I’m good at makeup. I’m not super girly, but I am so drawn to it. And with my art background, I’ve got an idea of what I want my face to look like, but using makeup brushes is just not like painting. It’s hard, y’all. I’ve been watching tutorials on youtube though and mostly it leads me to wonder how is it that I can integrate beauty tips into a humor blog so that Urban Decay and Too Faced, et al, decide that sending me free makeup is a good business decision.



How many of you are into makeup? Would any of you be into seeing what colors I put on my face some time?

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Forget Mensez, Here's Period Pocket!

If you have not seen this innovative new product, Mensez**, let me introduce you to it.

Dr Daniel Dopps, Kansas Chiropractor, is marketing a new way to control the ickiness of menstruation... literally gluing the labia shut so your period doesn't leak out. Genius, right!?



According to his Facebook page (which sadly has been taken down already, but this link works), women are idiots for not thinking of this before.

It's such an easy concept, you just apply this "Lip-stick" (get it, it sticks your "lips" together) comprised of amino acids and stuff and then it holds in all your oozing blood flow until you have to pee. Then, some magical formulation of glue that doesn't react to the moisture in blood lets go with the power of pee, and all the blood rushes out where he claims you never even have to look at it or touch it, which seems a pretty amazing claim, since he also says you need to clean up "down there" and apply more of this glue and then hold your labia together, presumably, until it dries enough to stick your junk together.

While this seems like a great idea, I think my idea, Period Pocket, will get the job done in a much easier and quicker way! With just a few pieces and a little glue, you can use your labia to capture all your blood without having to reapply any pesky glue. Allow me to illustrate!


The metal structure to the pocket is magnetic so you don't have to worry about movement making the pockets come unsnapped.

And, Period Pocket doesn't only have to be used during your period. You can also use it to store spare change or small snacks at other times of the month. Also helps with incontinence and overactive bladder*.


Of course, if you can't afford the low low price of $19.99 each month, you can always improvise with a plastic Zip-lock bag and some Krazy Glue. Just cut off the bottom of the bag, glue the opening to your vulva, and then yellow and blue makes green!




*may not actually help with incontinence or overactive bladder. It is really just a deconstructed coin purse.


** This is a real product, with a real patent. Or moreso, it is being marketed as a real product though it hasn't actually been formulated or tested yet because it is one of the most ridiculous ideas ever conceived. Honestly, gluing your labia together...


Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Cheeseblarg 2017 - Valentine Cards with a Conscience

What better way to say I love you than with the gift of social justice? Or political anger?
I give you Cheeseblarg's 2017 Valentines.


This is what democracy looks like! This is what a Valentine looks like!
buy at Zazzle or RedBubble


Let your loved one know the true depth of your feels!
buy at Zazzle or RedBubble

buy on Zazzle



for more valentines

Thursday, November 3, 2016

11 out of 22 aka The Second Grand Canyon Incident

I got 11 of my 22 things done before I turned 40 (exactly a month ago as of writing this). I'm calling that a success, though I am still working on most of the rest. I've decided that goats and llamas don't need the stress of me hugging them, but if I come across one in nature and it's down to snuggle, I'll oblige. Others are being delayed as changes come into my life and 'cause I am perpetually broke and can't afford fanciful things, even if they are on a list of things I want to do. And I'm still afraid of dentists.


THINGS I DID


  1. Go to the Grand Canyon
  2. Pick my nose at the Grand Canyon

In April, we (being my husband, my mother, and I) took a road trip o'er this way too damned big country to FINALLY go see the Grand Canyon, with a detour through Las Vegas. I'm still not terribly thrilled to be in a car almost 7 months later. 

In true Cheeseblarg fashion, "The Experiment" was in full swing and my mother, who is physically incapable of throwing up, contracted The Worst Stomach Flu Ever Known To Manand spent two days pooping her way through Utah and Nevada. I, of course, waited to get this flu from hell until we got to Arizona, at which point I became the sickest and saddest fountain of puke and poop, ever.




We had planned to be in town for two days because I was set to complete task 8, "Meet an internet friend in person" but work stuff made it so she couldn't make the drive from New Mexico, and I literally felt like I was dying. I knew I'd be back the next day, so my first moments of seeing the Grand Canyon were staggering out of our car, which was parked right along the edge of the canyon on a cold windy day and thinking, "Great, it's a huge fucking hole, can we go home now?"


Then I sat in the car and cried while my mom expressed 40 years worth of displeasure with me and my husband enjoyed exploring with his family who had driven up to meet us there. It was just as The Experiment would have had it.

The next day, I was dying just a little bit less and it was at least 42% more enjoyable. I still wanted to go home, but I did have the energy that day to pick my nose.

I had that flu for 5 days. Apparently, me and the Grand Canyon were just really not meant to be.

  1. Gamble in Las Vegas
  2. Pick my nose while gambling in Las Vegas
Before I became deathly ill, I actually had a really great time in Las Vegas. I managed to win 5 dollars on a cheeseburger themed slot machine, and then I lost 20ish dollars in quarters the rest of the time there. And I picked my nose.
I also ate a lot at the Bacchanal Buffet at Caeser's Palace, which you could see from our hotel room. We also had a bitchin' view of the Bellagio's fountains from our room so I could watch the fancy water show without having to be around humans I didn't know.


 I chose the Bacchanal Buffet, in part, because research told me it had the best desserts of all the buffets in Las Vegas. If I had had more money at my disposal, I would have wanted to do my own research, but I did make sure to get one of every dessert I could eat (keeping my allergies in mind) and tried all of them*. The best was actually a Thai rice pudding with a delicate coffee perfume that I still pine for.

(Starting at the top and going clockwise-ish) Fudge, cherry clafouti, chocolate lava
cake, lemon tart, red velvet brownie, toffee chocolate mousse pop, pecan pie.
(starting at the top going clockwise) Thai rice pudding, guava strawberry sorbet, 
tropical pineapple compote, flan, coconut tapioca pudding, creme brulee, 
oreo dome cake

*My mom and I shared them, 'cause even though most of them were small, I totally can't eat 14 desserts all by myself  (especially after eating Lobster Benedict) and I am too Jewish to waste so much food, just taking a bite of each.


  1. Read a new Stephen King book

Finishing out the Bill Hodges trilogy, I actually got this book in the mail from an otherwise anonymous woman named Becky, because it was a book I requested from The Bloggess's booksgiving, earlier this year. I look forward to more mystery/crime type novels from Stephen King. 

  1. Collect all the cats in Neko Atsume 
I managed this one on my actual birthday. I've been trying all this time but all the fancy cats decided to visit me to wish me a happy birthday. I'm certain of it.


  1. Vote for Bernie Sanders
While I didn't get to vote for him for President (because I'm not throwing away my shot vote), I totally did my primary duty. I wanted to take a picture to share, but I found out it was illegal in my state, so here is an artist's rendering:



  1. See the new Ghostbusters movie in the theater
  2. Pick my nose while watching the new Ghostbusters movie
I did, see this post: I Ain't Afraid of no Reboots!


  1. Write a short story
If you didn't see it, you haven't been paying attention: The Melancholy Princess

  1. Eat a fruit I've never had before
I started with Dragon Fruit and the image below is a summary of my feelings on this incredibly cool looking fruit.

For the most part, I'm pretty sure I've tasted all the best fruits (though I am holding out hope for mangosteen, which is incredibly hard to come by when you live in rural Montana). Moreover, there's a reason Dragon Fruit isn't as popular as apples and I don't think it's because it's tropical (see: Pineapples. Don't grow everywhere, still super popular because they are amazingly delicious.). I'm, of course, still open to new fruits. I had some awesome cotton candy grapes (that I had to peel to eat without a reaction), and the lychee was tasty but a little perfumey, but I'm totally giving up on Dragon Fruit. I just can't be down with a fruit that tastes like peppery water to me because pepper and I are not friends.




For extra content at just 1 dollar a post.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

How Do You Spoon?

As the person who, for the last 20+ years has been in charge of my mother's computer fixing/helping/education, I take issue with this image that I'm sure we've all come across on Facebook:


It seems to make a good point, but  I taught my mom to copy and paste for the first time in about 1995. She's still not sure about it when she has to go from one document to another to paste. She freaks out when she has to attach a file or download a file. I guarantee you, if after 20 years, I still wasn't sure on the use of a spoon and I called her from college yelling at her that she broke my spoon when I was the one who just wasn't good with a spoon, she would yell at me just as much as I yell at her when I ask her for the 600th time, "WHERE DID YOU SAVE THE FILE!? NO! IN NOTEPAD ISN'T AN ANSWER! YOU CAN'T SAVE FILES IN A PROGRAM! THEY GO IN A FOLDER! WHERE IS THE FILE!!!!???"



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Thursday, July 21, 2016

I Ain't Afraid of No Reboots!

This post has no spoilers unless you think drawings of myself and characters from the movies are spoilers, then there are spoilers, but no details of the plot of the movie itself.


So, if you've been paying attention for any amount of time, you should know that I am a gigantic Ghostbusters fan. Unlike most of the people on the tubes, I was super looking forward to the release of the new Ghostbusters reboot, which should be clear since I made a goal of going to the movie AND picking my nose in said movie (which I totally achieved):

Artist's Rendering

I even made my own shirt for the occasion, which was the most obnoxious experience ever. I mean, who makes a t-shirt transfer that CAN'T BE WASHED *glares at Horizon Group USA*


If you want one, too, you can buy one by clicking the picture, because iron-ons are a pain in the ass (There are also stickers, mini skirts, and prints available). Or pledge a dollar or more on Patreon for access to the unwatermarked version to make your own if you enjoy ass pains.

But my thoughts on the movie...

I LOVED IT!

Now my nephew, who is the kid next to me in the picture above ignoring my finger in my nose, thought it was better than the original, but I quickly corrected him, because that is verging on blasphemy. But it was just as good, I think, and its own thing. 

Of course, there are many (cheek-bustingly delightful) references to the original, which I won't elaborate on, but it really is an entirely new thing which real fans of the movie (who don't have some weird principle against a universe being expanded -- or yucky girls) should absolutely love.
Love, love, love, love, love. And so far, all the fans I know are really feeling exactly that, so it is not just because I usually keep my expectations almost as low as they can go when it comes to media. That is to say, if I am entertained, I am willing to call something entertainment, but this was more than entertainment; it was a new and expanded look at a franchise that has been dear to my heart since I was 8 years old, and I think it will bring a new generation of 8-year-olds into the fray. I can't wait for more!

In the meantime, I'll just bring everyone I know to go see it, and draw fan art, and read all I can about it and fantasize about joining the crew!

 









Saturday, June 18, 2016

Why I am a careful and cautious driver.

The idea of getting in a car accident is horrifying to me because I only have like one pair of jeans that actually look good on me and I can't have people cutting them apart to keep me alive.


I think most people can relate to this, but when you're wearing plus-sized jeans and you're poor, it hits home even harder. Every time I watch a medical drama where they are cutting people's clothes off, I gasp in horror and consider only wearing sweatpants in my car from now on.







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