Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Saying Sorry: A Guide

"IF"s do not belong in apologies.

The only time IF should be in an apology is:

 a)  if the apology is for a future possible action or outcome:

or b) if you are in crowded place such as a Subway train:


or c) there is some uncertainly as to whether you are the person to blame, or if another person was responsible


Under no circumstance, unless you fancy the idea of someone wanting to harm you, should you add "IF" to an apology when you have just been told that you did something that required an apology.

The phrase "I'm sorry if," when there is no uncertainty, directly translates to : "It is unfortunate I have to hear you bitching right now. I want you to shut up. I am going to say words now in the hope that you will do just that. I am certainly not sorry, and to boot, I think you're stupid."

"THAT" is the keyword to sincere apologies. I'm sorry THAT I made you angry. I'm sorry THAT I got you pregnant. I'm sorry THAT I also got your sister pregnant.

I'm also sorry THAT I rub my crotch on people in the subway.


  1. LOL... Thanks for the knowledge *take notes*

  2. lol! somebody's ticked and feeling the need to make crotch rubbing jokes. nice!
    also, i agree. IF should not play any part in a genuine apology. "i'm sorry you got upset by what i did" is a bad way to apologize too.

    1. There was woefully, no crotch rubbing, for the record. Though an Iffy Apology did prompt this. I just was trying to think of the most inappropriate thing to apologize for.

  3. you know, in cases of telephone calls to customer service reps, I would whole-heartedly take the "I'm sorry if we..." than the "I understand you feel that way because you think your order is wrong..." geez! Just say the effin word "sorry" so I don't do a freak-out on you and make you get your manager!!! I would rather hear the pathetic attempt at contrition (however contrived) than psycho-babble parroting-techniques!

  4. That is so true! The inclusion of "if" signals exactly what you said! "I'm not really sorry, I'm just saying it so you will stop being crazy." Hmm, maybe you can write a post about guys saying we're "crazy" when we don't agree with them or get upset about something perfectly valid! lol


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