I'd never avoid Bill Haverchuck!

If we could just switch over to thumb scanning payments, like in Back to the Future 2, I think that might improve my credit score. It seems it is just the time it takes to mentally process that I am about to spend actual money for something that keeps me from doing it.  See, I have really bad credit... I don't even know the number, but I know it is bad.  I don't have any credit cards anymore because a) they won't give them to me, and b) I don't want them because I can't use them properly.

I didn't mean to not pay my bills in the past, it's just... I don't like taking money out of my bank account. A lot of the time when I wasn't paying my bills at first, I actually HAD the money. It was right there, in my bank, where it looked so nice and made me feel grown up and responsible... and taking it out made me feel sad, so I just left the money in my bank, until people were threatening mean things, like turning off my utilities. Of course, paying bills also equaled not having any money in the bank, at all, afterward... if I had known that there would had been any extra left over, it might have been less painful.

The creation of automatic bill pay made my life easier. If I don't have "control" of  money coming out of my account, it's bearable, but actually writing checks for things feels like giant stabbing spears of sadness and anxiety to me.

This is all compounded by the fact that my go to defense mechanism is avoidance, so since bills make me feel bad I avoid bills.  Thankfully, now, I have arranged my life so I only have about 2 bills that I actually have to actively pay, which is just about the amount of bill paying stress I can take.

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