Google Image Upgrade: Medical SafeSearch

I recently went to the doctor because I had to go off of my medications that quiet all of my crazy autoimmune diseases and I acquired a weird sore on my thumb that caused a volcano like hole that was fairly concerning to me.

He told me that if it got worse, I was to come back immediately, so of course, I went home and google imaged my diagnosis to see what "worse" would look like and then I immediately wanted to stab my eyes out with forks.

I appreciate that Google image has been proactive in filtering sexual content with their SafeSearch, which blocks out hardcore images (not that I ever use it, VIVA LA BOOBIES!), but what we really need is a search filter for medical images.

Without fail, every time you do a Google Image Search on a medical issue, there is one mild image showing what a normal case of the disease looks like, and EVERY OTHER IMAGE is like a 20 inch hole with gore and carnage exploding out of it.

Serious, no matter what it is. Hangnail? Stubbed Toe? Splinter? OMG!!! How the hell did someone get a log sized splinter in their eye!?

I'm not arguing that these images shouldn't be available, but dear lord, we need to be able to choose from mild, moderate and horrendous images when we're searching for actual medical images.

Someone ought to make a petition!

(^I did, that's a link to it right there^)

Cheeseblarg's Anti-Upskirt Undies!

I came up with the perfect solution to Massachusetts' "Upskirt" problem.

Cheeseblarg's Anti-upskirt Undies feature a copyrighted image on the crotch of your panties and comes in
many different designs. Anytime these images are uploaded to the internet, Cheeseblarg will sue the upskirt uploader on your behalf to keep your undies off the internet!

* Two Can Play At This Game can be fitted in a tiny spy cam to see who is spying on your stuff.

If your government won't protect your undies from perverts, Cheeseblarg will protect them from copyright violations!

Cheeseblarg's Slutty Halloween Extravaganza

We all know that "sexy" Halloween costumes have totally gotten out of hand. There are tons of humor sites out there enumerating all of the ridiculous designs.  This humor site is not content to just sit back and observe the insanity. Instead, I am jumping in myself, with both feet.  I offer you, Cheeseblarg's Slutty Halloween Extravaganza.

Brilliant Product Idea #4: The Only Riding Lawn Mower That Makes Sense

I was driving past a golf course the other day, after my husband had been bragging about our lawn (that he had just mowed) being the nicest lawn in town. He's probably not wrong. He is Mr. Green Thumbs. I kill plants by thinking of them. That is beside the point. I was imagining my adorable redheaded husband woefully being engulfed in flames if it were his job to mow an entire golf course... and then someone drove by in a golf cart and I thought, why in the hell don't riding mowers have roofs!?



They need roofs. And air conditioning. It is not like lawn mowing is a night activity, or done when the sun isn't trying to give us all skin cancer by mutating all of our cells with its evil evil brightness. How come no one has jumped on this yet?

Wait, someone has... and it costs over 100,000 dollars!!

 source

This is patently ridiculous. A car with air conditioning costs less than $20k and a riding lawnmower costs less than $2000. Surely, we can put these together for less than 100,000 dollars. It really shouldn't be that hard.

Nerd Date #1 -Walking Tour

I wanted to share some pictures from the fun date I had with my husband yesterday.

 I am slightly obsessed with New York City, and so is my husband, if you guys didn't know, but I am also incredibly broke all the time. As much as I would like to visit NYC often or move there, it ain't gonna happen with our current income, so we went on a walking tour of the Chelsea neighborhood of New York via Google Street View. My lottery plan is to live in the building in the top picture, and so we wandered around the neighborhood looking for the best routes to the Chelsea Market, where I will someday accost Food Network Stars and make them be my BFFs whether they like it or not.

Anyway, it was a little goofy but really fun, so I thought I would put the idea out there so other people can utilize my virtual walking tour. Just pick a place you would love to visit, pull it up on Google Street View, and "walk" around together. And remember, many museums have interactive tours online too, so you can visit all kinds of cool places right from the comfort of your home and no one gets mad if you aren't wearing pants.


(All pictures screencapped from fullscreen street view using Google Maps)

Back to Technology of the Future: Get Kickstarted!

I missed my projected deadline of October 21st for this post, by quite a bit, but there were reasons. So, let's all just get in our time travel device of choice and "pretend" that today is October 21, 2012.*

OCT. 21 2012

Oh, hello there. What a fortuitous day to make a post!

According to the documentary "Back to the Future II," in 3 short years, (or perhaps sooner) we will have hovercraft capabilities. While vehicle use is the most widely publicized utilization for hover technology (see figures 1 and 2), I am at this moment campaigning for another use that will be of much greater benefit to society: Hover Furniture.

fig. 1 (source  slashgear)

fig. 2 (source fanboy)

I came up with this idea for hover furniture after stubbing the holy bejesus out of three of my toes on a piece of furniture that I walk by on a daily basis.

With hover furniture, each piece could be plugged into the wall, or wired in to a home's electrical system, and thanks to stabilization algorithms, would happily hum, a foot off the ground assuring that you never stubbed your toes, ever again. I know what you're thinking, "WHAT ABOUT MY SHINS!?" Have no worry, floating furniture comes with the extra feature of "nudge orientation" which allows the furnishings to move slightly to lessen the impact when hit, after which, it reorientates itself smoothly back to its original position, which is marked on the floor with nearly undetectable bearing pins. This nudge orientation will not effect the object when a part of it is pulled out, or a door opened, but only when approached from non-functional angles, so you don't have to worry about those knick-knacks on the top of your bureau jostling around every time you open a drawer to get out a pair of socks.

But what about my hover bed? I am afraid I might get seasick if things get amorous!

Objects that are made to take human weight are all designed with a button that allows for complete stabilization while occupied. Of course, it can be disengaged and you can lull yourself to sleep on gentle waves, or turn your favorite chair into a rocker. And the quiet hum of the bed is GREAT for insomnia.

Hover Furniture. It is your future, just three years away.

* Does time traveling get you down? Never know what to wear or how many pairs of underwear to pack? Well, we have a solution for that too!







And THIS is why this post wasn't ready on time.  I have started a Kickstarter to actually manufacture these underwear sets. Check it out HERE [link redacted] and share it with everyone you know who loves Dr. Who and/or Back to the Future. If the project gets fully funded, I will be giving away two sets of undies here to two lucky readers as a way to celebrate!


 Early entries are available by sharing a link to my kickstart project on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or on your blog, and sending me a link to where you shared it, here or on Cheeseblarg's message function on facebook (early entries will be meticulously record, because that's what I do). No spamming though, please! Only 4 early entries possible.

International TYFNKP Day

We seriously need a MAJOR holiday for people who do computer phone support, internet phone support, phone support for anything technological AT ALL. They need parades, and large cash prizes, and pretty much anything they want that is not totally illegal.

I come to this conclusion after trying to help my mom, over the phone for an hour and a half, to download and transfer two files. At this point, I want to destroy planets, take up smoking, and find an orphanage so I can kick some really unfortunate children.

The fact that technological phone support people have not killed us all is a testament to their patience, kindness and over-all awesomeness. Thank you, IT support. For not killing people. You're the best!

And on a completely unrelated note:

So, last year I won Blog of Note from Blogger. I found out a couple days ago that this year, I won Voice of the Year 2012 from BlogHer.*

Actually, I won it in Visuals, so I guess I kinda won Visionary of the Year. Doesn't that sound more impressive than "Voice of the Year for Something You Look At?" The piece that won me this honor was "Occupy the Holidays" which you are all welcome to go look at again (or for the first time, perhaps).

*My "sponsor" aka the people who put those ads on my blog and promote my work and provide my income of 20 bucks every 3-6 months

Thank you BlogHer, for choosing me as someone worth listening to, or looking at, or something. I am very honored and I love it when you guys tell me I am awesome (and send me money*). <3

*Nope, didn't win any money, just thanking them for paying me every 3-6 months.

Introducing SST!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Pudding Post

I'm super excited.  I went to lunch today at our local Chinese buffet and my fortune cookie gave me great news:

The project you have in mind will soon gain momentum.

Which is pretty awesome because I wasn't sure how it would be received. But here it is:

Of course, I will only offer butterscotch pudding, since that is the best flavor. 

This is going to be great.  I should go get a post office box RIGHT NOW!

It's a Trap!

I was reading an article on how to succeed at blarging, and apparently, it is my failure to "get a celebrity" that is holding me back.

I am assuming, at this point, that there is some secret to "getting a celebrity" that is being purposefully hidden from me, because celebrity endorsement is motherfucking elusive. Or more likely, it will take something enticing like... money, or... something of some sort of value to get acknowledged, because offerings of llama drawings have, thus far, been summarily ignored, as have portrait paintings and obnoxious @ messages on twitter.


I'm thinking that I should build some sort of celebrity trap, which makes me sound a bit like a serial killer, but I promise, I don't want to harm them... I would just chain them up for a fortnight and make them tweet links to my hilarious posts at which point I would let them go, if they promised not to press charges.

I just have to work out a) how to get celebrities to come to Montana, and b) what kind of bait I should use.

If you know a celebrity, send them my way...but if you link them to this post, tell them I was joking about the bear trap... and the new car.

Occupy the Holidays

It's getting closer to the holidays and after spending all night watching live feeds from Occupy Wall Street, I have some great gift ideas for your favorite Occupier!

Tired of hearing your occupying loved one complaining of being gassed and pepper sprayed?

How about this Festive Holiday Gas Mask?

It sure is getting cold up North and BOY, do those non-lethal projectiles sting! 

The Civil Disobedient Kitten Sweater is the perfect solution.

Cops raided your Occupier's camp and threw away all their food!? That won't happen again with the Patented Food Survival Suit- Holiday Edition!  Holds all your favorite Holiday Dinner leftovers in a place you are sure not to lose.

Choose from Holly Green, Jew Blue, Harvest Kwanzaa (red, black, and green), and Peppermint Stick!

American Cooking Horror Story

I just got back from three weeks of being away from a TV, which of course means hours of watching TV to catch up on things I missed.

Most of it was cooking shows.  I have a bit of an obsession with them.  Anything that has to do with cooking and reality, I'm there.  I may not continue watching all of them, but I pretty much want to see each new show, at least once.  I just like learning new cooking techniques, and watching people being abused (when they submit themselves to it out of greed or desire for fame... I do not condone other abuse, just so you know).

I must say, though it is old news, I was really disappointed with "Extreme Chef" on Food Network.  I thought the title had such potential, but then when no one was shot/stab and forced to make 5 star meals to get medical treatment, I totally lost interest.



But it wasn't all trashy cooking shows.  After hearing so much about it, I had to check out the pilot episode of FX's "American Horror Story."

If you've not watched it, here is a teaser video:

 And here is an artist's rendition of me watching this show:

And of course, I cannot wait for the second season of "The Walking Dead" premiering on Sunday. Big surprise there?


And thank you to those who are sharing my link and making pledges to my Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan project.  Even a dollar helps.  Every time you pledge or share (or contact said Late Night show telling them how awesome I am) you are helping me fulfill a life long dream... and again, there are rewards for helping!

An illustrated guide for taking gross pills.

There are a plethora of really BAD tasting pills out there, and while children are usually the ones we need to worry about, some of them taste so bad that even adults need some help getting them down. The pills, not the children, what's wrong with you!?

I started taking Prednisone a week ago.  After two days, I couldn't take it any more and didn't think I would be able to force one more pill down my gullet, let alone four a day, so I used my well-cultivated creativity and came up with a way to take them without having to run around in circles, gagging and shuddering. I'm not even kidding. That stuff is horrible, almost beyond measure. As bad as guaifenesin (mucus reducing pills) and flagyl (you're usually nauseated before you take this, the taste doesn't help) or any prenatal liver vitamin.

So I bring you, my handy dandy guide (for adults and children) to take pills that make you want to shave your own taste buds off:

One word of advice: Be sure to take care to wrap the pill tightly. Pokey edges don't facilitate the swallowing process, at all!

And clearly, use liquid to swallow the pills, still. Do I need to mention that? 

Do you want to party? It's party time!

It's been suggested, in the comments of the last post, that I have an "It's not a tumor" party.  Thankfully I was given the suggestion of having a make-believe one, because my friends only exist on the internet (that is, spread across the country and the world, and a portion of them don't even have internet access at the moment... I have friends, damn it! *sobs*). So, make-believe party it is.  You are all invited; it is a pot-luck.

I DON'T HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!

Don't disappoint.

And don't forget, just a few more days left to get your Narwhal stickers! 

Barbies Vs Monsters

When I was a kid, I thought of everything in terms of Barbies.  That is, I would look at a baked potato container from Wendy's and think OMG, BARBIE HOT TUB! Every piece of plastic junk I came across was re-imagined as some sort of functional piece for my non-existent Barbie Dream House, which I suppose would have been more like a Barbie Squatter Pad, with furniture made out of food containers and product packaging and walls made of record album covers that opened out, or were precariously leaned against each other (no, no, those aren't record covers, those are full-sized wall murals of Prince and Cyndi Lauper!).

Now, I see my nephew doing similar things, but he re-imagines everything as monsters.
At the bank the other day, he warned me that the pneumatic tube carrier that you send your deposits by in those see-through canisters, was actually a monster that likes to eat your money, and it does so by pretending to be the bank tube sucky thing.

Which, I suppose is a pretty ingenious way of getting food, if your preference was money. 

And all the while, I thought it was a Barbie Transporter.

Brilliant Idea #2 - Night Light Channel

I have another brilliant idea.

As I have discussed previously, reading makes me tired.  And as I have also discussed previously, I sometimes suffer from insomnia.  So when watching a movie while insomniacked doesn't produce the desired result of putting me to sleep, I turn to reading an actual book.
The problem is, my husband DOESN'T suffer from insomnia, and while I can get away with watching TV while he is asleep, I cannot turn on a light to read as that has the effect of waking him up and making him look at me meanly which makes me sad, which makes me less likely to get to sleep.

As it is, I often end up reading by the combined light of my laptop screen and the ambient light of the television on mute, but I am regularly thwarted by darkening scenes and rapidly flickering light levels (For the record, Saturday Night Fever, terrible to read by, as is any horror movie, ever.  Cooking shows seem best as they don't have much reason to dim the lights). But here is wherein my idea blossoms.

I think that there should be a cable channel called "The Night Light Channel" and it should just be steady bright white light.  It could support itself by having ads for books or magazines on the bottom, but they would need meet a standard that would not change the luminance much.

And of course, it does not only have to be used as a reading light, but it could be used to look for your bra while trying to quietly escape a stranger's house after a one night stand, or to light a child's room so that they can be sure there are no zombies sneaking up on them, or to check your alarm clock when you wake up at 4 am and can't be sure if you set it to 7 am or 7 pm.

Perhaps this is something that Amazon.com should look into, to go along with their Kindle, since it isn't backlit.  That way, people can use their  awesome product with ease while giving them an extra place to advertise their OTHER products.

BOOYAH!  Why have I not been hired as a supreme idea-haver extraordinaire yet?

(Because you give away all your ideas on your blarg, my husband says...)

Brilliant Product Ideas #1

Every once in a while, I come up with some brilliant ideas, instead of just pure unadulterated crap of the silly persuasion.  Unfortunately, upon presenting these ideas to the respective companies, I received the following replies (paraphrased):

Dear Ms. Rose,
That is pure unadulterated crap.
Please stop sending us unsolicited product ideas.
No love,
Us

But they were wrong, wrong I say! So I will share my amazing product ideas with you and then multinational conglomerate type companies, that I fully intend upon naming, will see how wrong they were not to steal my ideas when I was offering them up for free instead of writing about them in my AMAZINGLY popular blarg which will create a paper trail back to me, should they then decide to use said AMAZING product ideas. Early bird, yadda yadda...

So without further ado...

Marshmallow Charger Packs!

In my family, cereal was eaten more as a snack than part of a complete balanced breakfast, and as such, when I was finally able to buy myself Lucky Charms in college (it wasn't that my mom didn't let us have sugary cereal, it was just that she probably knew this problem would arise), I often found, when I went to actually eat a bowl of cereal with milk, all that was left in the box were moderately sweet oat type pieces, because, in snacking on the cereal, I, of course, had picked the majority of the delicious pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, red balloons, and tasty tasty rainbow marshmallows out of the box. You see, they were magically delicious, but without the crunchy sugary marshmallows, not so much. And then I thought, if only there were little charger packets of marshmallows in a separate bag, I could joyfully pick all the marshmallows out of the cereal, but then have some when I wanted to actually eat a bowl of cereal.  They could even make collector marshmallow packs to entice new buyers. Maybe team up with Zynga? This way, General Mills would be getting even more money from me, I would get more marshmallows, all would be right in the world.
It could also work in other applications, most notably, eating a bag of Lucky Charms marshmallows, by themselves, with no care for dry tasteless oat bits, at all.  But also for decorating cupcakes and cakes, putting in hot chocolate, or sticking them to your sister's face (after licking them, of course) while she is sleeping... the list is endless.

Oreo Stuf!

My other idea was born in the time of Oreo Big Stuf.  If you don't know what an Oreo Big Stuf is, picture a horrendously gigantic Oreo that has been mutated by radiation so that you would need a shoehorn to get it into your super, boss Dukes of Hazzard lunch box.  Who am I kidding?! All of my lunches were packed in plastic Publix Supermarket bags *sad face*... Anyway, I digress.
In high school, my mom was great about packing me lunches full of stuff I actually wanted to eat, which was greatly appreciated, however, when eating Oreos, it historically only takes a few bites before I grow weary of the chocolate sandwich cookie and end up chucking them, after licking out the middles.
I had a system that worked for me, which I now realize is completely grody, but I am going to tell you about it anyway, because, well, why the hell not.?! Sitting in the hallway of my wonderful high school (no really, it was the best, like summer camp for 4 years), I would happily eat the middles out of the Oreos that were packed in my lunch and, once I was done, I would give the chocolate wafers to my friend Erik, who apparently had no issue with eating cookies that had made contact with my mouth and were partially covered in my saliva... yeah.. I don't really know what that was about... but they didn't go to waste, and that was acceptable to me at the time.
The Oreo Big Stuf was much better, because it saved me grand amounts of time, as I only had to open one cookie to get the creme equivalence of 8-10 cookies, but I still felt bad about wasting the chocolate part. There had to be a better way.

My solution, which was summarily rejected by Nabisco, was selling jars of Oreo Stuf, not unlike cans of frosting, or marshmallow fluff. Selling the patented Oreo Creme, in a container, all by itself, would allow those people who really prefer the creamy center to the chocolate wafers (or were allergic to chocolate) to get what they want without accumulating a giant pile of discarded cookie outers.  Again, multifaceted product... it could be used as a filling for Oreo cakes, as a frosting for brownies, OR it could be consumed all in one sitting, using only a spoon, or maybe a finger or two, while watching "He's Just Not That into You," whilst crying...

Nabisco clearly made a grave error by rejecting this spectacular idea.


But, you know where to find me, companies, if you need a fresh new face for your R&D departments.  I have no qualifications at all, other than an active imagination, a love of food stuff, and a useless Bachelor's degree in art, but I'll be right here, waiting for your email! An apology wouldn't hurt either!

She's Crafty!

So the other day, I became very motivated and spent several hours aggravating myself by doing crafty projects for the blarg. I say I aggravated myself because, at heart, I am a painter or at the very least, a drawer... one who draws, not a sliding receptacle for your socks, underwear, and shirts (yes, yes or any of the other things that people put in drawers, I am not a drawer, I am a draw-er).  What this all means is that I am a complete slob when it comes to art, and so, trying to get things to actually look neat and ordered pushes the boundaries of my boundaries, and by that, I mean my patience.  And I am pretty damned patient, unless I am trying to sew things and the thread ties itself into knots to taunt me, or I think, 'oh, yes, I need to put the needle through here though I am not completely sure it will work... oh, no it won't work, that looks like crap... FFFFFFFfffffuuuu... undoing needle stitches through felt now results in me sewing backwards, awesome.'  Or something not nearly as specific.

And then I switched to clay... I took classes in pottery in college and my teacher asked me if I was planning on taking any more. My resounding "No!" was met with a not too nice, "Oh, thank goodness!" Now, that is work with cups and saucers and teapots and all that crap, and I have a great respect for people who can and desire to do that, but I can't and don't... mostly because it is beyond my boundaries of patience (I feel like we've been through this before), and so I just slap things together and hope not to fail (if I am being graded). I am fairly good at figure work, and animals... though again, my sculptures do show my special touch of impatience, which I now declare as a stylistic choice, if things don't go exactly as I expect them to.

So without further ado, my cheesy crafts (which will be placed for sale later, once I am able to procure a ruler, because there doesn't seem to be one in this house, and having the knowledge that you had a green see-through ruler, once, when you were in fifth grade, 20 years ago, while interesting doesn't really help me much when I want to measure something for a proper description now):

Narwhal Magnet (heart not included- except for in the picture where it obviously is)

Mini Narwhal Figure Thingy (man, my thumb is wrinkly)

Felt Narwhal Barrette (the clippy good kind)

Llama Magnet (it's stylistic, not sloppy!)

There will be more coming in the future... there has to be, because I bought all the things to make more so I am determined to use them and get better at things I am not great at, which is the theme of my year.  And I take suggestions... though, unless you're actually paying me, I'll make what actually strikes my fancy.

Let My People Go!

It's Passover, which means, it is time for Matzo-related injuries.  If you've never had Matzo, let me clue you in... it is some stabby shit. Think 'stabbing power of Doritos if Doritos were twice as thick.'  And I am not talking about the rounded-edged Doritos that they likely switched to because they were undoubtedly getting sued for injuring so many unsuspecting customers, I am talking old school, 'put it in your mouth wrong and bleed for half an hour' Doritos.

On the first night of Passover, while eating a buttered piece of Matzo, I managed to puncture my mouth, and my throat, as well as stabbing myself in the face with it when I missed my mouth whilst I was complaining about stabbing myself in the mouth area.

Of course, I like to think that the sharp edges are part of the lesson.  "You think being stabbed in the mouth by a bland cracker made of only flour and water is bad... try being a slave.. try wandering around the desert for 40 years... now complain about a freaking piece of unleavened bread, you ungrateful bastard!"

But my people are well known for making the best of a bad situation, so, to take advantage of their natural properties, I think I will work on fashioning my own line of self-defense items made of Matzo... Jewish Throwing Stars, anyone?

It's really hard to nibble the hole out of the center though...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I have lost one of my followers in the influx of other awesome followers and I want to find you again.  Your blog is pink, it might have princesses in the title. You once dressed as Rita Skeeter for Halloween, and it was your profile image for a while but not any more... You have great recipes. I need the link to your blog again, please!

Ess You Cee Cee Ee Ess Ess

You can have frolicking llama stationery, too. It is at my zazzle store!