Twelve years ago today, I was getting married in a hurricane. And I had a really ugly cake.
Being the artistic type that I am, I, of course, had an artistic vision for my cake. I was very into Martha Stewart at the time (I still love her, but I am a bit less obsessed. For example, I no longer tape her shows, all of them, to watch later because I am doing other things. I think I have just seen them all now, though) and so my cake was a simple clean design. I drew it from different angles, attached swatches of color for them to match it to my dress (which I also designed and which came out almost as bad as my cake) and took it to Pubic's Supermarket to have it made. Now, yes, I know, when you have a wedding cake made at a grocery store, it is not made by the top bakers in the country. I'm poor and my design was simple enough that I thought it would work, AND they have the most delicious frosting of all the stores in the entire United States.
So this was my design :
I went over it with the baker. Yes all green and ivory. No other colors. Just stacked. etc.
This was the cake of my dreams. So simple, yet different. So Martha.
This, on the other hand,
was NOT the cake of my dreams.
The cake was not set up before the wedding started, which I am kind of glad of. I'd already had enough disappointment with my dress. Before I entered the reception, my mom sidled up to me and whispered, "You're gonna be mad."
Thankfully, someone managed to snap a picture of me reacting to my first view of it, while my husband laughed at me, most likely because I was saying dirty words and questioning the IQ of the decorator.
That is my "WTF is this shit!?" look.
No really, let's break this down.
Totally NOT Martha!
But it really was delicious, especially since I got my money back for it. Plus, it gave us something to eat while we sat in my grandma's house with no power during aforementioned hurricane.
I'd also like to mention that both of my parents, while walking me down the aisle, stepped on the train of my dress, almost knocking me over. I am going to guess, for my sanity, that it was not planned.
p.s. My comment section no longer has captchas in an attempt to get you people to comment more. YES, YOU PEOPLE! =P
I'm sorry, JRose. Eh... at least it was tasty. Cake can never really be *bad*, can it? ;)
ReplyDeleteMan...what the hell were the rosebuds doing? Fleeing from all the ugly?
ReplyDeleteAt least it was tasty and free!
The Frills. *gag* I laughed out loud, scared my puppy, but your disaster made my day....thanks. Happy Anniversary.
ReplyDeletePretty cakes are never delicious.
ReplyDeleteMy cake-schooled wife says she'd never eat those fancy cakes. "Do you know how many people have had their hands all over that? Plus they've been working on it for a few days. Ick."
That cake looks like a cake version of those hideous flowery dresses people (well women I hope but lets not discriminate) wore in the 80s and only old ladies dare to wear now. Maybe if you got a time machine and went back 12 years ago to when they were setting your cake up and took it some party in the 80s it would be awesome. You could then use your time machine to go forward in time, meet Martha Stewart get her to sort you out a new cake and tkae that back to your now cakeless wedding day...or if that sounds too complicated you could just look back at pictures and laugh :P
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your cake sucked wet and molding buffalo. On the other hand, I now feel about a trillion times better about my wedding cake.
ReplyDeleteSo...that happened.
I just saw this through Cake Wrecks and I totally empathize! The same thing happened to us 16 years ago. I still CAN'T believe it. It didn't even look close to what we asked for.
ReplyDeletehmmmm, parts of it are rounded... At least it tasted good.
ReplyDeleteOddmonster, I would like to see your cake fail as well...
Well...when you order your cake from a place called PUBIC'S, you're just asking for disappointment. By the way, was the store really named that? Or was it a typo? Dying to know...lol.
ReplyDelete@Debby- just trying to avoid being sued. LOL. It is a southern grocery store chain that sounds very close to Pubic's.
ReplyDeleteSomeone stopped at a grocery store and picked up a pre made wedding cake the morning of my wedding so we would have a cake. It was not pretty but it was tasty. My friends were kind enough to make a giant spider cake as a grooms cake since my husband is terrified of spiders. Sadly there is not a picture of him screaming and chopping the things head off.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say though...that is an ugly cake. But free and tasty kind of make up for ugly.
You never fail to make me laugh, had to subscribe to your other blog, too...
ReplyDeleteAlmost ten years ago I went to a VERY expensive bakery and ordered an all white cake. Simple, no decorations at all, just three smooth white tiers.(we had these amazing cake toppers made by an artist friend that we wanted to really showcase.)The cake arrived with giant goopy roses all over it that were /exactly/ the color of menstrual blood!!! When I went in and complained the girl told me, "It was too boring, we didn't want your wedding to be ruined."
ReplyDeleteOh, JRose, my heart sank when I scrolled down to the cake wreck...then I recoiled in terror. Did they stick corsage pins in the top?! At least it was free and yummy.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got your money back!
ReplyDeleteLooks a lot better than how one made in my grocery store's bakery would. At least it tasted good!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your cake was an ugly experience, but it's a much better story than if it were perfect. When my mom lived in St. Petersburg, FL, she lived within walking distance of a Publix. The best part of visiting her was walking over to visit their bakery. You're right their icing is definitely the best.
ReplyDeleteOn the day of, what a disappointment! But you are right--the story and glory of a Bad Cake live on in family folklore forever. :) And it made a very fun blog post for me to read in the middle of packing my apartment, so I thank you!
ReplyDelete12 years ago?!? From your photo I thought you were a new college grad! I will keep the cake horror story in mind for my future...
ReplyDeleteand here's to more comments! :)
For the time and era, before Food Channel your wedding cake really wasn't bad. Perhaps it wasn't something Martha would have created but she was Martha and she has a lot of people making things look wonderful for the camera. Congrats on your anniversary!
ReplyDeletewe share an anniversary! just celebrated 18 years myself but no horror cake story to share...
ReplyDeletenow, as a cake decorator, these stories crack me up... I thought every decorator went through the ulcer inducing stress for the 3 weeks prior to the big day that I do... apparently not...
Please tell me you've submitted this to cakewrecks.com??
ReplyDeleteSeriously? Pubic's? Seriously??
ReplyDelete"Pubic"? We had Piggly Wiggly Supermarkets when I was a child in South Dakota. I am glad that your cake tasted good, that is what matters to the final customer of the cake - the eater. I checked the PigWig website and there aren't any in South Dakota anymore.
ReplyDelete@The UDG, I sent it to her on Twitter and she kindly retweeted it to her bajillion followers. =D
ReplyDeleteAgain, I changed the name of the store to protect their identity... it REALLY isn't a typo... I promise.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure this wasn't part of "The Experiment?" I'm planning my wedding now... I think I'm going to make the bakery do a test run...
ReplyDelete@Li- In fact, I am fairly certain it was part of the experiment because I have not discussed even a portion of the experiment-like events that happened that weekend.
ReplyDeleteSeriously...
Oh! This reminds me of what happened while shopping for my own cake.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were shopping for my wedding cake, everybody kept recommending this place in Laurel, MD.
We pull up and the place is painted Pepto Pink.
We walk in, an only through an act of extreme discipline did we not walk right out.
Every single cake was decorated in primary colors.
Every single cake looked like a child who was on her second day of training had made the flowers.
The colors on said flowers were all running into the rest of the frosting.
We didn't even bother staying for a tasting.
I told my mom later, "If I wanted my cake to look homemade, I'd make it at home."
JRose,
ReplyDeleteI am late to the party, but feel compelled to comment.
Wanted to let you know (please don't hate me) that the wedding cake of my dreams was your *exact* same cake. Unlike your pitiful scenario, my awesome caterer made it to PERFECTION. The cake was swoon-worthy and a stunning exercise in Martha Stewart elegance and restraint (identical to your initial drawing, and photographed ad nauesum in my wedding album-- my photographer was also a genius); need I mention that the cake tasted damn good too? There is no sad ending to my story (unless you count that the florist at my wedding screwed up and FORGOT TO DECORATE THE CHURCH AT ALL). But at least my caterer kicked ass and the cake was great.
best,
MOV
JRose,
ReplyDeleteHappy anniversary and if I were anywhere close to you I would make you an anniversary cake that looked like your dream wedding cake :(
Ahhh, Publix. Your cakes are delicious, but never particularly beautiful. You don't want to mention the fact that the top tier was lopsided? Looks like someone leaned on the left side of it and smooshed it down a little.
ReplyDeleteLooking delicious !!! Yummy post :)
ReplyDeleteI love that you called it Pubics...that made my day. You are fantastic and hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI agree. The wedding cake could have been better. It's seriously hilarious how you broke down all things that were wrong with this cake. But I hope this cake at least tasted good. Anyway, congratulations on your wedding! I wish you all the best, and may you have a happy married life!
ReplyDelete