Thursday, September 15, 2011

How to survive a plane crash.

How to survive a plane crash in 8 simple steps that anyone can follow:

1. This is the most important step, which is why it is number one-
As the plane is falling from the sky and crashing into the ground, DON'T die.
If you can't even be bothered to do that, then further advice is useless.  You have to really be committed to the "not dying on impact" directive.

2. Fashion yourself a cool headband - this will keep sweat out of your eyes AND let other survivors know that you are SERIOUS about this survival stuff. SERIOUS..LY AWESOME... Especially if you make it out of a live animal.

3. Get a reasonable distance from the airplane until it is safe.  There is nothing more tragic than making the commitment to live through smashing into the ground, only to find yourself sucked into a jet engine while staggering around in shock. Also, shrapnel from exploding planes is adverse to your objective of living.

4. Find shelter- If blankets and cushions are not available for a fort because the plane is a fiery deathtrap, dig a big hole.  It will keep you warm (or cool) and you can always cover it with sticks and leaves when you are not using it, to trick people into falling in.  Practical jokes always raise morale.

5. Look for fresh water- or quickly get used to the idea that you might be drinking your own distilled pee water soon to live.  Beware other survivors who are fine with drinking urine, right off the bat.

6. Watch lots of episodes of LOST and read teen fiction like The Hunger Games Trilogy before any plane travel.  This will make you aware of all of the experiences you are sure to encounter while navigating a survival situation. Shows such as Survivor Man and Man vs.Wild will do you no good.

7. Always wear a suit of snack foods under your clothes when traveling.  While you CAN forage for edibles, that requires that you actually know what you are doing and don’t eat things that want to kill you. It is safer to just eat your clothes. A good mix of fruit rollups, corn chips, and jerky will keep you healthy until to you can be rescued.  Chocolate is not suggested for these garments.

8. Be rescued.

VERY loosely adapted from the SAS Survival Handbook.


  1. I am happy to see that "eating live animals" a la Bear Grylls is not mentioned any where in your survival list. I think I can manage!

  2. Hahahahahaha I love that there's a little something for everyone in the suit. Love the snake headband too ;)

  3. Every time I get on a plane (a few times a year) I prepare to die.

    At the same time, I totally think about how to survive various scenarios. For instance, if your plane breaks apart in mid-air, try to aim your body for the softest thing you can see. Perhaps a deciduous forest or lake. (Watch "Drop Zone" for body aiming tips.)

    Planes are often cool so bring a light but wind proof jacket. This can double as a make-shift parachute.

    Also, I think the inflatable slide would be helpful as a parachute AND to cushion the impact.

    My husband laughs at my fears.

  4. I needed to laugh that hard. Thank you J-Rose! I love you so much. Can I stalk you? Plus I need your address b/c your return address on the envelope that my last sticker came is got lost. I totally need it for a legit reason. Really!

  5. DAMMIT! My computer screen as well as the keyboards, have become somewhat drenched in the remains of some hot coffee...via my nostrils. I believe that this strange phenomenon may have occured upon reading this post, especially 'pee drinking guy', whereby the coffee fluid involuntarily left my nostrils, with full force I may add, thus splattering said Computer screen.

    I am now off to get some tissues...and it would seem a new computer, I think I see smoke...yep that's definitely smoke...

    Darn you for being funny!

  6. The suit!!

    Nothing else needs to be said.

    One thing needs to be asked though: how difficult was it to decide what food to put in the crotch pocket?

  7. @Ronja- send me an email and I will send it to you.

    @Alan- It was that, a sausage, or a clam. =P

  8. Totally made the mistake of reading Michael Crichton's "Airframe" before I flew for the first time. At least I understood the mechanics of a plane crash better.

  9. Strategically placed banana?
    What, no BBQ sauce? I must have that on smoked salmon.
    You are wise beyond your years, oh, Obi Want Can Know Buy

    Oh, almost forgot, wheres the smoked salmon?

  10. @ESB- There is a WHOLE other side to the suit! =P

  11. I found this post very helpful. Thank you JRose. ...And I would like one of those suits please. Do they come in blue?

  12. Any chance you'll start selling the snacksuit on Etsy? I want eye surgery, mainly so that I won't die after a plane crash because I've lost my glasses and am for all intents and purposes blind.

  13. Great post Jrose!
    Super funny, especially the guy so willing to drink pee.
    Your art skillz is infuriatingly good!

  14. Just so you know, I take a break at work each day to read your part of my workday hands down.

  15. OMG. i'm in love.

    LOST references: Check
    Hunger Games mentionned and underlined: Check
    Super Cool JRose original "Hurley": Check
    Humour only you can provide: Check

    I'm so blogging about you next week!!

  16. The banana? I see what you did there.

  17. OH!!! Whole other SIDE, may we have another picture of the backside of the suit. Remember, I like buffalo.

  18. Wow! This is so informational! And I just read the The Hunger Games trilogy this week, so basically I'm all set! Exclamation points!

  19. I wonder how the food suit would make it thru all the pat down at the airport?

  20. Having said that, is it not a good idea to be fully prepared for the worse if and when the tragedy strikes? Travellers spend hours looking for cheap flight tickets and low-cost airlines but they seldom pay attention towards information on safety during crisis.

    Air travel tips


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