Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Pepperoni Incident

I'm sorry, disgruntled deli worker, that I ruined your entire day and possibly your whole life by requesting that you, please, slice me 6 slices of pepperoni. And THEN 6 slices of provolone.  In my defense, I'm poor and can't afford to buy more pepperoni than I intend upon using when I have to purchase food for the rest of the month on a very small budget, and nobody here really wants a lot of pepperoni, it's for pepperoni bread- I'm being creative, and furthermore it is kinda, totally your job to slice stuff.

 If you had actually been busy, I would have been more likely not to be taken aback by the fact that you were sending out clear and unmistakable "I hate you and hope you die" rays, presumably because I made you take out a stick of meat for me that you would then have to re-wrap and put back after slicing off 60 cents worth of meat, so it doesn't even seem worth it, but again, it is what you were being paid to do, and I was polite, as I always am, because I know that working in a service job can totally suck when people are demanding assholes, so I make it a point to say please and thank you sincerely. And, to boot, there was NO ONE ELSE around.  There were hardly any customers at all in the whole store, so I guess my question is, WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?

Okay, maybe that is not fair. Maybe this was not actually about me.  Perhaps you had terrible news before work and your stabbing hatred rays were residual. Perhaps I reminded you of the stunningly gorgeous women named Jolene, who took your man even though you begged her not to.  Maybe pepperoni killed your cat. It seems feasible, but I just don't know. However, whatever the reason, I could tell you weren't happy, and I internalized it, and now I am unhappy too. It's probably a good thing I just have to write a blarg and I don't have to slice ridiculously small amounts of pepperoni for stupid jerkfaces, too.


  1. mmmmm pepperoni, i know thats not the point. gotta love the people who think you make their day the worst because you ask them to do their jobs lol

  2. Aww! I used to work in a sandwich shop and I was ALWAYS polite to people! Even if they made silly little requests or were arrogant little buggers who were on their headphones and didnt say a word to me when plonking their sarnie on the counter! That's because I'm a polite person! And the customer is ALWAYS right! Silly pepperoni dude! you should have made hime cut them into hearts and stars just to piss him off even more haha!

  3. As a retail drone, When I'm unreasonably rude to "nice, but picky" customers...it doesn't really have anything to do with you. I'm having an internal dialogue that goes something like this, "Am I really getting someone SIX pieces of pepperoni? REALLY? This is why I went to college? I can't believe that I'm here right now."
    I apologize on behalf of retail workers everywhere, but you may have witnessed a mental breakdown.

  4. I think I have a cat that can eat more than 6 slices of pepperoni (or really anything meat-like and sliced). In fact I think he would be shooting some hate rays (which come out of the eyes rotated 90 degrees because of the cat-eye slits) if there were only 6 slices too.

  5. I think the minimum limit is 75 cents in order to get the neutral service, non-death ray, optical treatment.

  6. My response to people like that is always, 'if you don't like your job, then leave!'

    Loved the'Jolene' part.:0)

  7. Pepperoni bread? I'm intrigued.

    I would have been bored sitting there with nothing to do, if it had been me. Even the short distraction of $.60 worth of pepperoni would have been awesome.

    Your pepperoni stick has legs like a bumble bee has wings: against the laws of physics and shouldn't be able to lift its weight. :D I love it!

  8. You should have reminded him how much he was earning for cutting that $0.60 worth of pepperoni. Or maybe not. Having worked in retail before, sometimes, it just gets to where the smallest things make you want to shoot those death rays. I used to do it to people who took more than a few seconds digging in their purse to pay for their stuff (I was a cashier). At least you have your pepperoni, now go make some pepperoni bread goodness, and send me some via gmail or something. Because it DOES sound intriguing!

  9. mmmmm... i love pepperoni!!! and i can totally relate to the breakdown described by ssejica... REALLY??? i spent four years and *billions* of dollars on college for THIS!!!?????
    although it certainly doesn't justify rude impatience...
    hilarious! and now i shall go to the deli on my way home from work... mmmm... pepperoni...

  10. I get it. It completely ruins my day if somebody honks at me. Maybe you should go back tomorrow and offer a slice of your delicious concoction as a peace offering. Don't let the pepperoni slicers get you down!

  11. (Preachy intro deleted...those who should take that lesson to heart, wouldn't have, anyway....) Customers and clients of public and private entities, to summarize a memorable short story: don't let yourself be a garbage truck. Others are going to try all day to dump their garbage on you...just don't take it. Easier said than done, but seeing it in this way hopefully will help create the shield to let their garbage bounce off you.

  12. OMG so totally one of my pet peeves. We get similar service up here at our local McDonalds! I pull up to the drive thru just as perky and polite as can be - I've only ordered a coffee - and I get the window chick from hell! I actually ask them, "Seriously? Did you just wake up this morning and realize you work at flippin' McDonalds???" They act so pissed off because they have to do their job.. Holy hell. If working in the deli and/or McDonald's kicks these peoples asses, let's not integrate them into the real world, they'll all go postal on us! :/

  13. I used to work on a deli when I was at college. Cutting six slices of pepperoni is really quite a small request! The annoying customers were the ones who'd ask for 100g of crumbly cheese, and don't you dare go over by even a gram, or the world would surely implode. As you say, he was probably just having a crappy day and you got in the line of fire!

  14. So, I assume she didn't offer you a slice to try... (Publix reference now made less subtle by actually naming a grocery store)

  15. Pepperoni bread sounds amazing.


    Oh, and btw:

    If perchance that loser deli counter worker was sending you death rays...
    Remember this:
    Nobody forced him to take that job.
    He applied.
    He accepted the position.
    If you want 1/16th of a pound of something..nay... 1/25th a pound of something.
    That's THEIR JOB!

    <3 this post.

    Awaiting my pepperoni bread too.

  16. "Perhaps I reminded you of the stunningly gorgeous women named Jolene, who took your man even though you begged her not to. Maybe pepperoni killed your cat."

    Those two sentences in that sequence have officially made today worth getting up for. They were even worth the scalding hot coffee shooting out my nose.


  17. Urgh I know what you mean. :( And I don't think it's just pepperoni slicers these days...I've received a lot of I-Hate-You rays from various people, including bus drivers and waiters. What is the nation coming to?

    I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with pepperoni and provolone though. It can take just a second to make a good day go bad. :(



  18. Yarn Dependent Me, that is the saddest allergy I've heard of because frankly, pepperoni is bitchin' awesome, and that'd be weird to work at a deli and be allergic to something.

    That's like someone working at a nursery and being allergic to chlorophyll.

  19. "Perhaps I reminded you of the stunningly gorgeous women named Jolene, who took your man even though you begged her not to."
    What a great line... Brilliant! Very colorful story telling once again.


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