Friday, February 3, 2012

Some things, not so helpful.

I'm a smart ass.

 Beyond that, I tend to think very literally sometimes, which is fairly apparent in my humor stylings.

As a result, I have a hard time not being a psychic jerk to people who stand on the side of the roads panhandling, when they have stupid signs. By psychic jerk, I mean I don't actually antagonize real people, but I fantasize about it, because being a jerk in real life sucks but in your imagination, it is awesome.

The sign that bothers me most is the "ANYTHING HELPS!" sign.

I think you really need to be specific about what ACTUALLY helps. If I ever find myself in a situation where I need to beg for money on the side of the road, I already have my sign planned.


  1. I always comment to my fiance about those people. I've seen them talking on cell phones (I don't even have a cell phone), or wearing a nice coat/shirt, etc. We drove by a homeless man with all his belongings in a shopping cart, and he was sitting with his laptop open. And It was a pretty nice laptop too. Much better and more expensive them mine. Unless they stole those items, they seem better off financially then I am.

  2. My favorite panhandler sign ever was "YOUR AD HERE!".

    I stopped my car and told that dude his sign was awesome.

  3. LOL "don't be a dick." that's wil wheaton's tag line. i love it!

    and whenever i see ppl on the side of the road w/ signs, i can't help but think of the dateline episode showing a panhandler collecting his money & shuffing off his dirty clothes at the end of the day to climb into the ferrari he had parked a few blocks away. :| i work hard for my money and have to pay taxes, and i don't have a ferrari...


    those types might deserve a bag of rabid weasels!

  4. SO HILARIOUS!!!!! That has always bothered me, too. I wouldn't even begin to know what to give someone with an "Anything Helps" sign. The only items currently within my reach in my car are a "bodice ripper" novel and a Costco receipt. Would these be helpful?

  5. Ha! I've never seen "anything helps." Homeless people near me dont do signs, just brown bags...

  6. Awesome! And so completely true! In this world, you have to be careful of what you ask for and how you ask. "Anything Helps" screams rabid weasels or at the very least a bottle of Fabreeze.

  7. Ha! "I'm out of cardboard." There used to be a pan-handler at an intersection between work and home. His sign just said "HUNGRY". I used to give him something to eat every day. See? I like clear concise messages!

  8. been a while since i commented

    so here is a comment

    to say keep up the good job!

    does that help?

  9. While waiting for my wife to get some supplies near the middle of Amarillo, I was approached by someone speaking very difficultly (mental impairment) asking for some money to just get to "Bell Street" - a few miles west. So I gave him a few dollars. I watched very carefully as he drove his little pickup about a half a block farther before pulling into another parking lot.

    I am getting asked quite often at fuel pumps for money, usually by people who are most likely illegal aliens.

  10. Heee. I feel guilty for laughing at this, but I already did it so it's too late. I'm going to hell. I'm glad there will be funny people there with me.

    Panhandlers in the city where I live have to buy a license and wear a tag around their necks. They look like they've been to a week-long homeless convention with a free open bar.

    Love your blog. :-)

  11. This was so funny! I knew a man who bragged about making a "pretty good living being a professional bum." Uggghh...

    Your blog rocks!

  12. I just headed over from Clay Baboons, and I can't wait to check out more of your posts!

  13. Once, there was a homeless guy sitting outside of a Pizza Hut I ate in, and I gave him the left over slices of my pizza, feeling all happy and smug with myself for doing a good deed, until the homeless guy shouted 'CHEESE? PLAIN F***ING CHEESE?!?'. His ungratefulness has prevented me from EVER giving homeless people anything ever again. (I joke, I'm not that mean, but still....I can pretend to be over the internet....)

  14. How many times I have rewritten those roadside messages in my head while passing by! We had a guy here a few years ago that was a staple beside the road with his "need" signs until one day the news crew followed him home and found he lives in a 2 million dollar house and drove a Mercedes all supported by his begging. His income rapidly fell after it hit the news on tv. Love your blog!


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