Self-Affirmations from the Neural Network

I can't help but be inspired by Janelle Shane's work with neural networks. Last time, she trained her AI to create recipes that looked absolutely mouthwatering, in that way that your mouth waters when you're about to hurk, actually, but today, she has trained her AI to generate titles for positive self-talk courses.

From her site, AIWeirdness.com:

There’s a self-affirmation talk on Spotify where a voice says things like “I am confident” over a synthesized choir. It has been rather vigorously marketed, not just for general self-confidence skills, but also under titles like:

I Will Win the Lottery
I Will Improve My Meteorology Skills
Attract Your Dream Car
Lord Help Me to Improve My Trainspotting Skills
Improve Your Ear Health
Lord Help Me to Improve My Bongo Skills
Improve Your Beekeeping Skills
Learn Welsh

Apparently, there are 4,510 different titles for this sort of self-affirmation program. She fed all of these titles to her network and asked for its own suggestions.

It came up with some great and also horrifying results like:

I Will Improve Otter Skills
Improve Your Handsoming Skills
Become More Dirty
I Will Find Headaches
Improve Your Scab

Being ever so helpful, I have made posters for a few of them that really spoke to me.

Be More Of Mice

Improve Your Kite Faith.

I Will Attract Human

And I really think that this is good advice for anyone, especially Roy Moore.

Go check out the rest of Janelle's results with her AI (including some upcoming knitting patterns that are immensely cool) and sign up for her newsletter to get cool inside stuff. She's not paying me to say that, it's just really nerdy cool fun I think most people would enjoy.

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My Summer from Hell- Part Two: She's Going To Die

While I was waiting this summer to find out if I had cancer, the night after my cat got the cat equivalent of heat stroke, I got a call from my sister letting me know that she was in the ER with our mother who was about to be flown in a helicopter across Montana to a hospital in my city because she was having a cardiac event that was giving her trouble breathing. The next morning at 5:30 am, I got a call from the ICU doctor telling me to get my ass to the hospital to say goodbye because my mom was about to die.

Thankfully, the hospital is about 8 minutes from my house so I threw on clothes and booked it to the ICU where my mom was absolutely dying. Her lungs had filled with fluid and she was drowning, but she had refused intubation so they couldn't do much to help her.

I entered the room with a crowd of people around her, she was fighting them and was almost unrecognizable with a CPAP mask over her face, out of her mind from the lack of oxygen that was making its way into her blood.

They sort of pushed me forward and told me to talk to her. My mother and her mother didn't get along at all and it just so happened that it was my grandmother's yahrtzeit (that's Jewish for deathaversary, which I always thought was "yard side" as that's how it's pronounced). I grabbed my mom's hand and made her look at me, "It's 7-11, you're not allowed to die today! I'm sorry, but if you insist on dying, you're going to have to put it off so you don't share your death day with grandma."

And my mother is so spiteful that she immediately stopped dying. She did have to go have heart surgery immediately afterward to sustain the whole living deal, but as soon as I got there and reminded her to breathe and fight, she cleared her lungs and was able to be transported across Montana yet again to go to another hospital for her surgery.

It was that night when I got home from the hospital, that my computer died.

And then my husband's computer died, having just died and been replaced two months earlier.

And then I had a hysterectomy.

And then I had weird side effects from my hysterectomy like white-hot leg pain, and 96 hours of full body itching, and phantom uterine cramping that felt like it was tearing me in half.

And then my car died. Twice. (It was the alternator, and then the starter, in a week's time).

And then I found out my neutered cat was an attempted rapist when we let in a cute little neighborhood cat who'd been meowing at our door, then immediately put her out because my cat is horrible and gross, but then she stalked us for five whole nights, howling like she was using a bullhorn outside our windows which, of course, made Stevie howl inside at the top of his lungs for 5 whole nights.

And my state elected a reporter-slamming jerk.

And then I was diagnosed with a breast tumor which probably isn't cancer but might still be cancer.

And then my camera died.

And I was turned down for disability because I have a good attitude which, of course, precludes actually being sick.

And the jerks in our government spent the summer trying like hell to take away my health insurance, which would have meant that I wouldn't be able to be treated for all the Schrodinger cancer I had (or didn't have as the case may be), which I was constantly worried about, which of course made my illness all that much worse (and of course, they're still doing it).

So yeah, my summer had a lot of suckage that just kept on pooping down on me, like a way less appetizing fondue fountain at Golden Corral.

But now that I have a computer again, and  the use of a working camera and I feel slightly less like spending every waking moment binge-watching Netflix (almost done with all eight seasons of Dexter) and playing Candy Crush on my tablet to drown my woes, it is my plan to make up for lost time with content galore, which I hope you will come back for and share.

I also have an actual smartphone now (for the time being, seeing how things go for me) so I'm all over social media as "cheeseblarg" and I'm actually posting stuff, so go ahead and follow me!

So what days of the week are you most looking forward to something to laugh at? Let me know so I can get on setting some kind of schedule, please.

My Summer from Hell - Part One: The Surgery

I just got a computer, yesterday, after 5 months of being without so my first task after restoring all my files and programs is posting for you guys. Thank you, Black Friday sales for decent computers cheap enough I can afford. The last time that I was without dedicated computer access for this long was in 1994, my freshman year of college, but most people didn't have computers then, so it wasn't quite as jarring then as it is now, especially when my entire life exists online.

So I wrote on Cheeseblarg's facebook page a while ago that y'all would find it hard to believe all the shit I had been through this summer, for those of you who aren't following along there, and you probably won't, but I assure you, it's all true, and it's absolute bullshit.

My wish for the upcoming year is that I never have to hear the words, "We're afraid it might be cancer," ever a-fucking-gain from a doctor. This summer started with a mysterious mass in my cervix. I went to the doctor in June because I was experiencing this weird feeling of all of my insides dropping when I stood up for more than 15 minutes which in itself is pretty alarming, but it was accompanied with sweating and feeling like I was going to pass out. Once it got to the point that I couldn't stand long enough to shower without feeling like I was dying, I decided I should probably do something about it, so I bucked up and went to have my lady bits probed by a stranger. I mean, she was a professional, not just some random person on the street with a speculum and a hankering for some gynecological exploring.

Since scraping my lady bits turned up nothing, we went to the next step of sonic spelunking. This revealed the aforementioned "mysterious mass" and then we went to the next step of traumatizing me forever and ever, amen.

Frankly, the whole business gives me more ammunition for the idea that there is a grand conspiracy of hatred for women in this world because I cannot believe that any kind of human rights coalition would allow the equivalent to a cervical/uterine biopsy to be done to any man without general anesthetic. And I've heard that testicular biopsies are done under local and still hurt like hell, but I'm arguing that that is not really equivalent, because testes are not muscles that try to slam shut when you drill pieces out of them causing your entire body to try to escape from what's going on in your nether regions. It was really awful.  So awful in fact, that before I even left that appointment, I made plans with my doctor, before the results came back, to have my uterus and accompanying accouterments removed as soon as possible so I would no longer have a cervix so that procedure could never ever happen to me again.

And my uterus was mint, guys, never been used, though it had been remodeled monthly since I was about 10, so I don't know if I could have gotten full price for it. Anyway, it's totally lost its value now because I took it out of the box. At the end of August, I had them remove my reproductive organs (though I kept my ovaries so they can grow cysts and be generally annoying to keep me off of hormone replacement therapy), and I finally finished healing last month after one of the holes popped open in a cinematic fashion when we thought they were all almost closed.
So that's the story of how I spent 3 months worrying that I had cancer before having a hysterectomy. I didn't have uterine or cervical cancer, but my cervix was faulty and if I had kept it, I would have continued to need biopsies regularly and it would have continued to make me feel like I was dying, and frankly, I wasn't planning on using it anyway, and I'm much happier to have it gone.

Spending all the time in a gynecologist's office, of course, led to appointments with mammography. And instead of just being routine, of course, I got my next, "it might be cancer." I was supposed to be going tomorrow, in fact, to have a lumpectomy to ensure that the tumor they found in my breast during the first biopsy is completely non-cancerous, but I got an ear infection, so now I get to add two more weeks to my 3 months of waiting to find out that this one is nothing too.

And I know that countless people who aren't so lucky would love to be told that it is nothing repeatedly, but having six months of your body constantly trolling you that is mutating and is gonna kill you only to have it yell "PSYCH" after you've had surgeries and near constant stress diarrhea, is relieving as hell, but also really fucking annoying that you had to go through all of that in the first place when your body could have just stopped growing benign tumors in the first damned place.

So that's part one of my trauma. I'm thinking I can wrap it up in one other post, hopefully, next week.

Cheeseblarg Does Makeup: Twin Peaks Eyelook (and bonus Aurora Borealis)

If you've watched Twin Peaks, you should be familiar with the inspiration for my newest makeup look. If not, it will just look weird and really, welcome to Twin Peaks.

This video is not so much funny as it is nerdy (it's a little funny), and I think that is really the direction I want to go with my new makeup tutorial channel. There is Nerdy Nummies, for cooking nerd themed food and Super-Fan Builds (that starred my good friend Tim for a while there) for building nerd themed things, so I think I will probably gravitate towards nerd themed makeup looks. Mostly because I have naturally sort of started out that way with videos relating to Clockwork Orange and Astronomy and Cult TV Shows because those are the things that interest and inspire me (and I have an order of makeup on its way that my cat got me for Mother's Day that all happen to be Harry Potter colors, so a house colors video should be coming out eventually).

Anyway, if you enjoy makeup and nerdy things, please subscribe to my channel and go there and thumbs up my videos and encourage me with comments and shares! Or at least don't mail me dead animals as punishment for making them.

And a bonus video - Colorful Skies on you Eyelids! (with a fair amount of NSFW language)

The Melancholy Princess (Part 5)

We're at the end of our story. If you're just joining us, it only makes sense to start at the beginning.

(Part One)
(Part Two)
(Part Three)
(Part Four)

The Melancholy Princess (Part 5- The End)

“Hello again.”

“Ivan,” she said, surprised by the man standing amongst the trees. “Do you live in these woods or something?”

He grinned. “You could say that. Come looking for your wolf again?”

“Yes,” she said. “I am worried about him.”

“Shall we look together today?”

“Fine,” she said. ‘Company wouldn’t be bad,’ she thought to herself.

They wandered through the woods looking for the wolf, talking. Ivan told her stories of hunting and silly jokes about dwarves. She smiled.

Coming to a clearing in the trees, the princess stopped short and gasped.

On the dappled ground lain a silvery wolf pelt.

“Wolf!” She cried, dropping to her knees beside the bundle of fur. Stroking the soft, cold coat, she began to cry.

“Don’t cry,” the voice drifted down to her. She blinked up at Ivan.

“Wolf?” She whispered.

“I’ll keep you company,” he said.

The princess looked up, eyeing the man before her.

“I’ll keep you company,” he repeated again, pulling the princess towards him, softly nuzzling her hair.

“But where were you?” She said, kissing his cheek. “Why did you go?”

“I ran deep into the forest to find an enchantress to turn me into a man so I might keep you company as long as you like. 

I know what it’s like to be sad, to be scared of nothing at all and everything at once,” he said, taking her into his arms. “You were the most melancholy princess I have ever seen, but your loneliness drew me in. I was lonely too. I promised I would keep you company and I meant it, but no respectable king would let his daughter marry a wolf and I could not bear to be kept as a pet. If you’ll have me, I’d gladly be your prince. I love you, princess.”
“I love you too, wolf.”
“Ivan,” he smiled.
“Prince Ivan,” she said. And she was never lonely again, except sometimes she was, but she always had company when she wanted it.

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The moral of the story is it's okay to fall in love with a wolf/dog after a day and want them to be your companion forever. With people, it's a little weird but sometimes it works. Especially if they used to be a wolf. Want to share the whole story at once? Click The Melancholy Princess at the top of this page.

The Melancholy Princess (Part 4)

Continuing the story of a very lonely princess- please go read the first three parts because it is unbearably silly to start a story in the middle.

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

Don't forget to share the story, comment, and shower me with love. It might get the next (and final) part here early.

The Melancholy Princess (Part 4)

From the woods, she heard a rustling. “Wolf?!” she said, expectantly. A young man stepped out of the trees. 

“Oh.” She said dejectedly. “Have you seen a wolf in the woods?” He shook his head and grinned at her. “What?” she said, annoyed, though he was a fairly handsome young man dressed in nice enough clothes.

“I’m Ivan,” he said.

“Okay...” she said warily.

“Why are you looking for a wolf?” he said, “Most young girls look to avoid nasty beasts in the forest.”

She eyed him. “Not all wolves are nasty beasts.”

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I’m Ivan.” He reached to shake her hand.

“Yes, you said that.”

“But you are here looking for a wolf,” he laughed. “Would you like me to help you find him?”

“No,” she said quickly. “But thank you,” she said remembering her manners. It really was nice of him to offer but she didn’t know him and she had things to do.

“Well, see you, then,” he said, smiling at her.

“Okay,” she said dismissively with a shake of her head and headed back towards the castle. 

That night, nestled in her warm luxurious bed, she had dreams of wolves and hunters and delicate pink and blue flowers. She awoke determined that she would go into the woods once more to find her wolf.

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The Melancholy Princess (Part 3)

Part three of five of my illustrated fairy tale. Read the first part here (Part one) and the second part here (part two). We'll wait.

The Melancholy Princess (Part Three)

They talked for a long time, about being a princess and being a wolf. They shared stories and laughed. It began to get late. Suddenly a noise came from the distant forest. The wolf jumped up, alert. The princess looked around. 

“They must have sent someone to look for me.” She said in a hush. “Can I meet you here again?” 
The wolf agreed and darted off into the woods.

The next day the princess woke in a much better mood. She dressed quickly and went to the kitchen to pack a basket of food for her walk. Since she had denied the wolf quite a breakfast in her, with her surly attitude the day before, she figured it was only fair. 

After her basket was full of delicious meats and cheeses and fresh cool water, she began her walk into the forest to meet with her new friend. She scanned all along the trees, looking for the wolf as she went. ‘I think this is where I was yesterday,’ she thought to herself, ‘perhaps wolves are not good with directions.’ She waited a long time but the wolf did not show up. Sadly, after a long while, she got up, leaving the basket, and walked back towards the castle.

The next morning she did not bother to get out of bed. Her father, the king, came in to check on her and she sent him away. Her stepmother, as all self-respecting princesses have stepmothers, came in next. She insisted that the princess get up and go for a walk to refresh herself. Begrudgingly, the princess got up, dressed and went dutifully for a walk. ‘Maybe,’ she thought to herself, “he didn’t really mean to stand me up.’ She walked on. ‘But what does a wolf have to do that he can’t meet up with a princess?’ She frowned.

Next part is up on Thursday morning, though you can get a sneak peek on Sundays at http://patreon.com/cheeseblarg with a pledge of just $4 a month (on months where I post 4 times) to support the blarg. Recently, pledges went to replacing my tablet pen so I can continue to illustrate posts.

The Melancholy Princess (Part 2)

Here is the second part of my story, a fairy tale written for lonely princesses. If you missed the first part, you should go read it here, because... wait... why do I have to explain this? Things go in order for a reason. Go read it, we'll wait. Okay, ready? Let's go.

The Melancholy Princess (Part Two)

She sat for a long time, crying and whining and being generally pathetic. From the trees behind her, she heard a low growl. She turned mildly, blinking slowly. A great silvery wolf was poised amongst the trees peering at her. 

“Oh,” she said blandly. “Come to eat me, have you? Well, go ahead. It’s not as if I have anything to live for anyway.”
The wolf sat down and considered her carefully. “Not really the reaction I usually get, you know?” He said. 
“Yes,” said the princess, “but I imagine that you usually eat princess who have much more going for them.”

The wolf, in an act of great effort, rolled his eyes at her. “Well, really, your attitude makes this so much less satisfying. Nevermind.” He got up and began to leave.
“Right, of course,” she said angrily. “A stupid wolf won’t even eat me!” She began to sob again.
“Now stop that!” He said coming closer to her. 
“Go away!” She shouted, turning towards him sourly.
“If I might ask, what about your life is so terrible that you would be fine with becoming my breakfast?” The wolf sat down beside her.
“Everything!” she said pitifully.
“Come now, you are a princess, right? Your father is the king. You are rich and famous and beautiful…”
She sniffled. “You think I’m beautiful?”
“Well, yes,” the wolf said honestly, as contrary to belief, wolves are really quite honest. She reached over and stroked his gray fur. He looked at her warily but allowed her touch. “So, really, what is so terribly awful that you are wallowing alone in a forest?” The wolf asked.
“I am lonely,” she said, “No one loves me.”
“Oh, that,” he said. She whimpered and nuzzled against his warm fur. “Don’t cry,” he said. “I’ll keep you company.”

Come back next Thursday morning for the next installment!

or for at least a dollar a post, you can see the next installment a few days earlier!

The Melancholy Princess (Part 1)

I have a story to tell you, it even has pictures. It's about a princess who I think a lot of us can relate to. I'll try to have another installment ready by next Thursday, so if you enjoyed this, please let me know  (or share it) and be sure to check back for more!

The Melancholy Princess

 Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who just wanted to be loved. She had read many fairy tales and had all sorts of silly ideas on how to find the perfect prince. She would wake early in the morning and scour the royal bogs for comely young frogs.

 She kissed them all, it seemed, but none ever became a prince. She took dancing lessons and went to all the balls. She always left a shoe behind but no prince ever came looking for the owner.

She even took to sleeping in silly places like forests and tall towers in hopes that a dashing young prince would happen by and kiss her awake, but none ever came.
She was devastated and lonely. ‘If only I had a fairy godmother,' she thought. But fairy godmothers were just the stuff of stories. She was on her own.
One morning she awoke, lonely as ever and decided to go for a walk. She moped slowly along beside the royal stream absent-mindedly picking pink and blue flowers.

She plucked their petals muttering sadly to herself, “He loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not.” Suddenly, she broke into sobs and slumped to the ground feeling terribly sorry for herself.

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Terrible Product Ideas - New Soda Flavor

When I come home from grocery shopping, I tell my husband all of the new and wonderful products I've found/bought during that day's shopping trip. I was having a brain fog day where words are hard to find, so I paused in the middle of describing a new treat, looking for the word I wanted and this was my husband's guess given the first word I had said. It spawned the idea for this comic/new terrible product.

with plans for extra exclusive content!

No Snuggles for You!

Stevie WILL NOT cuddle with me like a snuggly kitty... unless I have been asleep for several hours. Then he wants to lay up against my face/chest and nuzzle, but just until I wake up completely and think, "Aw, he's snuggling," then he gets up and leaves.

So, in short, I think my cat might be a snuggling version of a necrophiliac.