Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Brilliant Product Ideas #1

Every once in a while, I come up with some brilliant ideas, instead of just pure unadulterated crap of the silly persuasion.  Unfortunately, upon presenting these ideas to the respective companies, I received the following replies (paraphrased):

Dear Ms. Rose,
That is pure unadulterated crap.
Please stop sending us unsolicited product ideas.
No love,

But they were wrong, wrong I say! So I will share my amazing product ideas with you and then multinational conglomerate type companies, that I fully intend upon naming, will see how wrong they were not to steal my ideas when I was offering them up for free instead of writing about them in my AMAZINGLY popular blarg which will create a paper trail back to me, should they then decide to use said AMAZING product ideas. Early bird, yadda yadda...

So without further ado...

Marshmallow Charger Packs!

In my family, cereal was eaten more as a snack than part of a complete balanced breakfast, and as such, when I was finally able to buy myself Lucky Charms in college (it wasn't that my mom didn't let us have sugary cereal, it was just that she probably knew this problem would arise), I often found, when I went to actually eat a bowl of cereal with milk, all that was left in the box were moderately sweet oat type pieces, because, in snacking on the cereal, I, of course, had picked the majority of the delicious pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, red balloons, and tasty tasty rainbow marshmallows out of the box. You see, they were magically delicious, but without the crunchy sugary marshmallows, not so much. And then I thought, if only there were little charger packets of marshmallows in a separate bag, I could joyfully pick all the marshmallows out of the cereal, but then have some when I wanted to actually eat a bowl of cereal.  They could even make collector marshmallow packs to entice new buyers. Maybe team up with Zynga? This way, General Mills would be getting even more money from me, I would get more marshmallows, all would be right in the world.
It could also work in other applications, most notably, eating a bag of Lucky Charms marshmallows, by themselves, with no care for dry tasteless oat bits, at all.  But also for decorating cupcakes and cakes, putting in hot chocolate, or sticking them to your sister's face (after licking them, of course) while she is sleeping... the list is endless.

Oreo Stuf!

My other idea was born in the time of Oreo Big Stuf.  If you don't know what an Oreo Big Stuf is, picture a horrendously gigantic Oreo that has been mutated by radiation so that you would need a shoehorn to get it into your super, boss Dukes of Hazzard lunch box.  Who am I kidding?! All of my lunches were packed in plastic Publix Supermarket bags *sad face*... Anyway, I digress.
In high school, my mom was great about packing me lunches full of stuff I actually wanted to eat, which was greatly appreciated, however, when eating Oreos, it historically only takes a few bites before I grow weary of the chocolate sandwich cookie and end up chucking them, after licking out the middles.
I had a system that worked for me, which I now realize is completely grody, but I am going to tell you about it anyway, because, well, why the hell not.?! Sitting in the hallway of my wonderful high school (no really, it was the best, like summer camp for 4 years), I would happily eat the middles out of the Oreos that were packed in my lunch and, once I was done, I would give the chocolate wafers to my friend Erik, who apparently had no issue with eating cookies that had made contact with my mouth and were partially covered in my saliva... yeah.. I don't really know what that was about... but they didn't go to waste, and that was acceptable to me at the time.
The Oreo Big Stuf was much better, because it saved me grand amounts of time, as I only had to open one cookie to get the creme equivalence of 8-10 cookies, but I still felt bad about wasting the chocolate part. There had to be a better way.

My solution, which was summarily rejected by Nabisco, was selling jars of Oreo Stuf, not unlike cans of frosting, or marshmallow fluff. Selling the patented Oreo Creme, in a container, all by itself, would allow those people who really prefer the creamy center to the chocolate wafers (or were allergic to chocolate) to get what they want without accumulating a giant pile of discarded cookie outers.  Again, multifaceted product... it could be used as a filling for Oreo cakes, as a frosting for brownies, OR it could be consumed all in one sitting, using only a spoon, or maybe a finger or two, while watching "He's Just Not That into You," whilst crying...

Nabisco clearly made a grave error by rejecting this spectacular idea.

But, you know where to find me, companies, if you need a fresh new face for your R&D departments.  I have no qualifications at all, other than an active imagination, a love of food stuff, and a useless Bachelor's degree in art, but I'll be right here, waiting for your email! An apology wouldn't hurt either!


  1. I love you. :) Have my internet babies. :D

  2. I guess I'm just a loser because I only want to eat the cookies and not the cream.

  3. The Stuf I could totally imagine as a filling between cake layers or something, maybe in the middle of a yummy, yummy chocolate, chocolate chip cupcake...ughhhhhhhhhh*drool*

    So would the cookie relay be a form of Food Olympics? Or an indirect makeout?

  4. @tehender - But they sell the cookies by themselves (Nabisco Chocolate Wafers). They don't, however, sell the stuf alone!

    @Kim- Yes.

  5. I just nom down on the Oreos because I love them. :3

  6. Genius - pure genius! The multinational conglomerate companies shall rue the day they rejected your obviously brilliant ideas. To them I say: Now, begin your rue-ing.

  7. "discarded cookie outers" sounds like either a great name for a band, a stupid name for a band, or some sort of support group from hell.

    And I never understood how those Lucky Charms "marshmallows" could even be called "marshmallows". As far as I know, marshmallows don't crunch.

  8. My internet paper trail goes back further than yours on that first one (see Dear Campbell's) but I never considered its decorative uses for the highly unconscious...

  9. Great ideas! My kids would beg for me to buy both of those products.

  10. here's a link to your marshmallow plan not used by nabisco (losers) http://www.cerealmarshmallows.com/
    and i SWEAR i've seen the oreo cream stuff in a tube around but my husband informs that it's different flavored icing including "oreo creme" or "cookies and cream". i believe you are ahead of your time with these amazing ideas!! LOL!!! i say, screw nabisco, and go and market them yourself! LOL!!

  11. you can make your own oreo stuff by mixing crisco and powdered sugar! I do this for my son b/c he can't eat the kosher Dairy Oreo's. (I put the "stuff" in chocolate graham crackers that I crumble to round shapes for him!) lol!

  12. I whole heartedly agree. The cookies were only eaten because of the guilt of wasting them, and the marshmallows are 1000x better than that cardboard that Lucky Charms pretends is cereal.

    Love it.

  13. I'm totally grossed out by the idea of mixing Crisco and powdered sugar!! And, once I looked up the http://www.cerealmarshmallows.com/ website, I was also instantly turned off by the idea of selling dehydrated marshmallows on the side. I respectfully agree with Nabisco on this one...sorry!

  14. I would so buy those marshmallows.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...