Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Isla de la Comida Robada

I'd like to talk for a moment about one of the most terrifyingly unsettling members of our society.  As usual, it is a commercial that reminds me, because I watch a lot of commercials while I am not paying attention to the TV, whilst screwing around online, but I digress.

While I am a peace-loving, Pollyanna, give-everyone-the-benefit-of-the-doubt type of girl, I think that people who habitually and purposely steal other peoples' lunches in the work place are bad bad people.

Seriously, and I am not talking about, "starving, come in off the street, just need something to eat."  I'm talking about the kind of sociopath who has a job, money, and a lunch hour where they could go purchase their own food, or order take out, and yet, there they are, stalking through the lunches of their coworkers, stealing food for the sheer thrill of doing so.  These people are untrustworthy douchebags and should be shunned from society.

I mean, what has to be going through their heads?  They work with their victims.  They are committing their crime in a public area.  People look forward to lunch.  They know what they brought to eat. It is just unconscionable.

The best (and most logical) punishment, in my estimation, is a Lord of the Flies/ LOST sort of scenario in which discovered lunch thieves are placed on a desert island and all forced to make elaborate, delicious lunches each day, which they then put in a refrigerator that is routinely raided by crazed monkeys or possibly genetically-engineered dinosaurs, leaving them having to eat grubs and coconut milk for eternity.

They should also be fired.


  1. Nom nom nom! I don't steal lunches, I GIVE lunches! MUHAHAHAHAHA

  2. I love when people try to prevent others from stealing their lunches by putting notes on it that say it's spiked. It's kind of counter-intuitive, they haven't brought anything else, so they'd have to eat the spiked food right?

    It's just bad policy to eat other people's lunches. There are some people who are just assmunches who enjoy beating the other predators to the food...or they're lazy. I would make them bring lunch for everyone the next day. Homemade lunch, not order pizza or something, and then I wouldn't let them have any. That way they know how it feels. Yeah. Grrrr

  3. Leave a *note* saying it's spiked? What's the fun in that? ;) I'd spike it and say nothing, then watch to see who got ill. Yes it's a bit dangerous because who knows what anyone's medical issues or personal medications are, but all the more reason for THEM to be careful about what they eat.

    I would SO SPIKE THE FOOD!!! (And get takeout for myself that day.)

  4. i agree w/ you about the sociopathic nature of lunch thieves! i'm reminded of that episode of Friends when ross discovers the guy who stole his after-thanksgiving sandwich - and then didn't even eat it all. he was so upset he had a nervous breakdown, and it was played for laughs, but ... the reality is that when you mess w/ ppl's food, you deserve whatever you get!

  5. I'm too much of a germ phob to ever steal anyone's lunch. What if they went #2 and didn't wash their hands before making their ham & cheese on rye? It's way too risky! ;)

  6. A former coworker once spiked her big carton of orange juice that someone was drinking up without asking. She didn't tell anyone, but put laxative in it. A few days later after the orange juice was taken again she started telling people what she had done. No one ever confessed but I bet they learned their lesson.

  7. I used to have my lunch stolen all the time >:[

    Once (ONCE), HR replaced it for me. How nice of them, out of the three years I worked there, to replace my lunch that one time. Now I don't trust anyone anywhere. Thank you, world, for giving me such a bright outlook on life.

  8. Lunch stealers are sucky, but just as bad are the "vultures" who swoop down on departmental Goodie-days/potlucks and eat up all the good stuff before everyone who participated got some. jerks

  9. Aww, Anonymous, I hope you feel better. I would imagine you are a lunch stealer so I frankly don't give a shit if you like this post or not. But at least you are not an actual sociopath, because they don't feel guilt and so wouldn't feel the need to tell a group of internet strangers to fuck off! =D
    If it is something else, like you really love grubs, I am terribly sorry for offending you by suggesting people eat your favorite animal. It was thoughtless of me.

  10. Jodee, I love you. I really do. I'm gonna have your internet crotchfruit. :P

    Oh and mr. anony? You chickenshit yella-bellied coward, if you're gonna tell people to fuck off, at least have the decency to come up with a clever fake name, or even your real one, so people can decry you in infamy.

  11. Cute post, Jodee!

    To the troll in the dungeon:
    No thanks, you probably have a disease. :P


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