Share if you're against banality.

Okay, this has reached a fever pitch that I can no longer ignore.

I saw this posted on Facebook today:

At which point, I was forced to point out the fact that I don't know a single person that is FOR animal cruelty. I mean, I understand the sentiment, but EVERYONE, when they really think about it is against animal cruelty... or at least everyone on Facebook. I have never met a single person who has declared on their social media, "I love beating the shit out of lizards!"

Yes, there are people who commit animal cruelty, and they TOTALLY suck, but even if they go into it thinking "ANIMAL CRUELTY IS MY FAVORITE!" are they going to be swayed by a graphic on Facebook?!

"Dang, I was gonna flog this goat, but Facebook overwhelmingly doesn't like animal cruelty, so cuddle it is!"

As a protest to stupid, obvious AGAINST graphics, I have made a few of my own. Please, feel free to share them passive aggressively!

Also, my mom thinks I am going to get in trouble for my "fire/babies/stabbing" joke, so don't prove her right, damn it.

Scrooged.

I'm having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year.

For the first time in. . . forever, actually, I think, I cannot afford to send gifts to my friends around the country.

Of course, they will understand, but the problem is, sending things out to people is also MY gift.

The whole process of baking fiddly things and then having to bake more because the monster version of my husband eats half the batch of cookies in the middle of the night, and packaging them up with funny labels, and dealing with the heinously rude jerk mail lady, Betty, after waiting in a giant line, sweating to death because I am wearing 2 sweaters and a fluffy coat and the post office is toasty warm, is my present to myself.
I don't get many presents, so I usually sustain myself by sending things out and being elf-like.  Not LOTR elf-like, more of the Harry Potter/Keeblerish type, and that I can't afford that right now kinda makes me one grumpy asshole.

And unfortunately, "Jesus" being "the reason for the season" doesn't really work for me, because I am Jewish and the Maccabees are the reason for the season, which doesn't ring quite as nicely, since they were an army, and long burning oil during a cleaning binge isn't terribly inspiring. So, barring some unexpected windfall,  I guess this year I'll gorge myself on latkes and Christmas cookies and then I'll go out and find some orphans to kick and maybe staple little antlers on some dormice.

As an aside, I've never understood why they make places so damned hot inside during the winter when people are dressed warmly anyway.  I mean, I don't need it to be negative degrees inside too, but it should be cool enough that people don't get heat stroke while waiting in line, buying eggnog.

New York: Secrets Revealed 2- The Garbage Monster

Living in an elevator shaft under Time Square Subway Station, there is a Garbage Monster.

There has to be, because the smell emanating from that elevator shaft is HORRIFICALLY offensive, and yet, it is a smell that I have never smelled before in my life and has no link to any sort of garbage that is created by man.

Hungry Mungry

I've never actually seen it happen, but I am fairly certain that my husband turns into some sort of a monster when he is excessively hungry.  I see the warning signs all the time, and the aftermath, but I've never seen the actual transition.  The following is an artist's rendition of the likely transformation:

Daylight Normal Husband- moderately hungry

Late-Night Monster Husband- clearly starving

I've surmised that this must be the case because:
a) he is incapable of remembering directions when hungry, especially of what he is NOT supposed to eat.
b) during the stages between hungry and starving, he becomes incredibly unpleasant to be around, although he is usually pretty nice to be around, otherwise.
and
c) he keeps blaming disappearing food on "damned kitchen gnomes" so he is clearly blacking out during these times as he would NEVER pass the blame unfairly onto imaginary creatures.

Now, my husband is not a big guy, muscley yet petite, but in the past, I have gone to work and come home to find 2 pounds of chili gone, entire blueberry loaf cakes, full packages of sausages, all the leftover Thanksgiving turkey. There was also the "leftover incident" in which we woke to find that he had eaten the entire box of leftovers from our roommate's family dinner.  Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole-- ate every last bit of it. The monster seems to favor turkey.  I also have learned that I either need to hide batches of cookies or face making more when baking for the holidays because the monster likes to get together with the kitchen gnomes and steal them when I leave them on the table to cool before sending them out as presents.

And I've figured out the monster can't read, because leaving notes on things, like "DO NOT EAT THESE, I MEAN IT!!!" doesn't work.  The only plan of action that has worked is to make sure that the man is regularly fed so I don't have to go all squirrelly, hiding things so I can have them when I want them.  Though, I have found that neither my husband NOR the monster is capable of finding things if I put them behind or underneath something else.  It is like an special refrigerator/pantry invisibility cloak.

Something in the Pipes 2 (w/ video)

As an addendum, here is the actual sound the shower makes.

This is the sound of the water being turned on in the basement as heard in my bedroom.  Seriously. It actually shakes the walls. Terrifying when you don't know it is coming... like at 4am when you were sleeping soundly and it goes on with its jackhammering racket combined with your husband screaming from the basement because it scared him too. 

 If you would like to draw your own version of my pipe monster, please, feel free!

Something in the pipes.

There is a nightly ritual in my house. It goes like this:

Me (yelled throughout house): TAKING A SHOWER!!!
Family (yelled back through house): OKAY!!
Me, happily showering.
Burbling clicking sound.
Water slows to a trickle.
Horrid screeching monster sound from pipes as a result of family member turning on water despite my making them aware I would be in the shower and they should not flush toilets/do dishes/water the lawn.
Me, being angry/frightened/concerned by my bleeding ears.

I've had water systems before that didn't like other water being used, but seriously, the pipes in my house now sound like they are possessed by some sort of terrible terrible creature.

Don't miss the video of the sounds  in the next post!