Cheeseblarg's Guide to Guilt-Free Holidays

I'm very helpful, I know you all will agree, so this holiday season, I've brought you 7 surefire ways to avoid the guilt that tends to plague us around this time of the year. Having a happy holiday, whatever you might celebrate, is a great way to start a new year, so without further ado, 7 guilt-free holiday tips, right this way!

-One-

Don't feel guilty about eating food. Just don't. That is one of the choices you can make. The holidays are about enjoying stuff... why let feeling bad ruin that? When it comes to food guilt, just say no.

Because you can choose not to feel guilty for eating ALL THE FOODS!

-Two- 

But what if someone tries to guilt you for eating food?

If I had a million dollars for every time someone put out food and then asked me snidely, "do you really NEED to eat that?" I would have enough money to get a really good defense lawyer for stabbing them all with my fork.

Here are some good responses if you encounter this kind of bullshit this holiday season:

Say yes cheerfully (and then shove the food in your mouth). 

Deliver a simple "nope" (and then shove the food in your mouth anyway).

Tell the inquirer to fuck his/herself (also shove the food in your mouth).

-Three- 

Don't eat babies. Eating babies generally upsets people and you should totally feel guilty about it, you monster. What's wrong with you?

-Four- 

Enjoy everything you can because this time of the year is full of so much deliciousness. I mean, the holidays are about getting together and eating things... or eating alone at home with no pants on while watching Netflix with your cats.

You're making them wear holiday costumes anyway, you might as well have some spiked eggnog while you, Fluffernutter, and Mr. Whiskers binge watch Supernatural.

-Five- 

Don't kick orphans. This makes most people feel pretty guilty during the holidays, again, for good reason. Perhaps you could buy some toys for underprivileged kids or maybe just watch this Toys for Tots commercial with the kid who asks the Marine if he's Santa and cry on your cat.

I'm not kidding, I cannot watch this commercial without crying. *wipes eyes on Stevie*

-Six- 

Don't buy clothes in the wrong size (in the hopes of fitting into them) to stress yourself out before holiday parties. Seriously, having to spend time with people who take out their life's unhappiness on other people is NOT the time to sabotage any vestiges of your own happiness.

-Seven- 

Don't be the person who tells other people that they should feel guilty this holiday season. People remember they are expected to feel guilty, I promise. They don't need you to tell them. They also don't need you to bring celery to holiday parties, not because it's delicious and delightfully crunchy, but because you have appointed yourself the diet fairy who has arrived in order to keep everyone from eating delicious fatty food.

Vegetables are not above shaming you.

 Leave festive people alone...unless they're eating a baby or kicking orphans... then you can totally remind them that everyone thinks they're awful!

And with all that said, may your holidays be merry and bright and completely free of guilt!

Meow.

It is a special day here on Cheeseblarg....

Which is more like...

I got a cat on Tuesday from our Humane Society.

 His name is Señor Stevie Nicks. 

This is what he would look like if he were an astronaut.

So now you can look forward to comics about cats. 

*blows noise maker*

*startles cat*

So far his favorites are meowing and sitting on my head.

Valentine's 2014: Handyman's Valentines

I have two Valentine's for you that fit the theme: Handyman's Valentines. That is, of course, if your handyman happens to be vulgar and wants to sleep with you.

BUY IT HERE: http://www.zazzle.com/youre_my_favorite-137680933963661384

BUY IT HERE: http://www.zazzle.com/valentine_screwdriver-137689316479872297

Hanukkah 2013: 8th Night- Doctor Whonukkah- The Last

On the 8th night of Hanukkah your Cheeseblarg gives to you:

A weeping angel to creep you out.

Needle felted by me... inquire by email if you want one of your own for $75 plus shipping.

The episode "Blink" from Doctor Who is one of the greatest episodes of the series, very much so because you don't have to know much about the Whoniverse to watch the episode; it really stands alone. If you've not seen it, I highly recommend it. You can watch it on Netflix by going to Season Three- Episode 11 of the new Doctor Who series.* Again, it doesn't need much explanation, other than it helps to know that the series is about a man named The Doctor and in this season, he is played by David Tennant, so you know him when you see him.

It is almost guaranteed to make you a Whovian, so prepare yourself for great amounts of joy to come!

With that, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Eventual Christmas! I hope your enjoyed your presents. Cheeseblarg loves you, yadda.

And since I'm not hiding things from you anymore, finally, the whole tree!

Don't forget to comment! I'll announce the winner of the Dino Ball in two days!

*There are also skeevy places to watch it on the internet in its entirety, if you're into being a criminal and whatnot.

Hanukkah 2013: 7th Night- Doctor Whonukkah- The First

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, your Cheeseblarg gives to you:

A felted dalek of red and green

If you don't watch Doctor Who, you are missing out on a fun sci-fi phenomenon! Also, you are less likely to get my ornaments. =P

Blah blah...comment... win dinoball, etc. 

Again, I can make these 5" tall daleks for Christmas gifts (or late hanukkah gifts, or yule, or any other occasion). $50 dollars shipped in the US. Email me if you're interested.

Hanukkah 2013: 6th Night- Meth, Just Meth.

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, your Cheeseblarg gives to you:

A bag of meth from Heisenberg 

It is damned near impossible to make rock candy in Montana... or maybe it's just my house, which seems to have been partially built on top of an Indian Burial Ground. One of the bedrooms and the kitchen are always about 20 degrees cooler than the rest of the house (which obviously means it is haunted, right?). Rock candy making doesn't do well when it is 50 degrees. Not much evaporation happening at that temperature. I don't know how all the meth makers here do it!

I actually tried twice to make it (rock candy, not meth), carefully following directions each time. The first time, I got a thick blue syrup that did nothing (until this Thursday when I moved it out of the kitchen so I could cook for Thanksgiving). The other try started out as a blue syrup but then turned into a glass of semi solid sugar in a couple hours. I have no idea what the hell that was about, again, since I carefully followed directions. It is still sitting on a shelf in our hallway. I have no idea what to do with it, and frankly, I am a bit scared of it. I'm still contemplating taking pictures/videos of it to share on the facebook fan page.

Today, my husband finally bought me some rock candy from a store and suggested I paint it blue because I have been freaking out about my rock candy not forming for about a month. Since finally moving it to a shelf right above a heat registered worked, I now get to eat a quarter pound of store bought rock candy. Yea! It's a Hanukkah miracle!

Hanukkah 2013: 5th Night- Festive Llama

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, your Cheeseblarg gives to you:

A llama with a snowman blanket.

Cómo-se here was the second needle felting piece I ever did. He has been waiting patiently to be introduced to you all.

Blah blah...comment... win dinoball, etc. 

And remember, I am happy to make felt animals and creatures for pay, just email to inquire!

Cheeseblarg's Slutty Halloween Extravaganza

We all know that "sexy" Halloween costumes have totally gotten out of hand. There are tons of humor sites out there enumerating all of the ridiculous designs.  This humor site is not content to just sit back and observe the insanity. Instead, I am jumping in myself, with both feet.  I offer you, Cheeseblarg's Slutty Halloween Extravaganza.

Cheeseblarg's Ornament-O-Rama Project

If you'll remember from my many mentions, I was raised Jewish, which means that we didn't have Christmas trees... what with the not celebrating Christmas and stuff.

But now that I am an adult, and my family either lives with me or a couple blocks away, I insist on celebrating Christmas every year. I must make clear, I am totally in it for the festivities, and not for any religious reason at all. I will seriously celebrate any holiday where I can give or get presents, and make ridiculous amounts of food.

I don't begrudge other people their faith, as long as they are not jerks about it, in which case I might say snarky things behind their backs, but I just like being nice and celebrating things, so now my family is forced to celebrate Christmas (which is actually awesome this year since Hanukkah is super early, it would be utterly disappointing to twiddle our thumbs all through December).

In the past couple years, I have made do with my paper craft Christmas tree.

It is super cute, and I love it, but I wanted a REAL (fake) Christmas tree, so when everything was discounted after the holidays last year, my mom bought me a half-priced tree friend. Since, unlike everyone else in the world who has a lifetime's worth of decorations saved up, I have... none, I got myself a few ornaments as the leftover Christmas stuff got more and more reduced. However, since I'm a nerd, I ended up with about 7 ornaments that pleased me and stayed within the ever sucking budget of a starving artist.

Quick math problem here:

LOL I can't count.

As bitchin' as my Stay Puft Marshmallow Man ornament is, I don't think it is going to carry the whole tree, so I am launching, RIGHT NOW:

The Cheeseblarg Ornament-O-Rama Project.

As you have seen from my previous posts on the subject, I am working on my own ornaments, but I was reading Sonja's blog, Pintester, and I thought it would be awesome, and likely hilarious, if she and I got together to challenge people to make ornaments for my first ever family tree, since I feel like the Cheeseblargians and my fellow Pintestes are my internet family anyway. And since she agreed, here were are!

While I would love to have nerdy ornaments that are catered to my favorite themes:

• Zombies
• Bacon
• Cats
• Dinosaurs
• Cupcakes (or sweets in general)
• Ghostbusters
• Doctor Who
• Back to the Future Trilogy
• Beetlejuice
• Star Wars and Trek
• Video Games
• Llamas
• Narwhals
• Anything I have mentioned loving on da blarg
• Absolutely not a whale under any circumstance

I will pretty much be happy with whatever I get as long as it is not particularly religious, or a dead animal that hasn't been properly taxidermied, or a live animal, or actual poop, OR a swastika ... even a really cute swastika. No matter how badly crafted it is (pin fails are awesome), I will totally put it on my tree.  Unless it is a whale... in which case I will cry and cower in a corner.

I will be making a post on Black Friday with photographs of each ornament on my tree featuring links to blogs or shops of anyone who has sent me an ornament, so that your pages receive extra traffic, and hopefully sales (if you are a seller of crafts).

So there is your challenge: Ornament me!

The Fussy Details:

• Ornaments need to be to me by November 21st. I want to have plenty of time to arrange and photograph ornaments, as well as code the subsequent post.

• Please, be sure to include your name, email address, and blog address (and/or online shop address) with your ornament so I can give you proper credit.

• Please, don't send me things that you want back. I hope to make these ornaments part of my yearly tradition.

• You don't HAVE to make your own ornament-- I will happily accept purchased ornaments, BUT I need you to include the maker in your credit information so everyone gets the traffic they deserve.

• I will also accept garlands and other things that trees traditionally wear (except toppers... I will cover that one).

• All packages can be sent to:

J Rose
[address redacted]

And finally, for my readers, please consider blogging about your ornament making experience and entering it in Pintester's "Pintester Movement," should you get inspiration for your ornament from Pinterest.



Here is a link to Cheeseblarg's Ornament-o-Rama board on Pinterest, also, in case you would like some further inspiration.

Pintester Movement: DIY Vintage Inspired Bell Jar Ornaments

Sonja Foust, The Pintester, is having another Pintester Movement extravaganza for all of her Pintestes.

This time, since I am having my first family Christmas Tree (because, if you don't remember, I'm Jewish, so we never got to have one growing up) I'm starting early on making my own ornaments. I found a few discounted ornaments to go with my discounted faux tree that was bought for me after Christmas last year (THANKS, MOM!), but that sucker is 6 feet tall, and my 7 ornaments are not going to do it.

So I have pinned a buttload of ideas that tickle my fancy on my ORNAMENT-O-RAMA board on pinterest. But the one that I love the most, because I collect plastic snow globes, was this awesome ornament:

DIY Vintage Inspired Bell Jar Ornaments

from My So Called Crafty Life

Seriously, guys, look at that adorable fucking deer and those fancy trees! 

Unfortunately, Montana does not have adorable fucking anything... so I had to improvise.

I learned, on my wild quest through my way-too-small-for-the-capital-of-a-state city, that apparently, only very rich people ever do crafts here. There is no way I can afford most of the pins I want to try. Thank goodness for Amazon.com, but alas, having just ordered a bunch of stuff from Amazon, I knew that I wouldn't have time to have things shipped for cheap to try stuff and possibly fail, having nothing to show for this pin,  so I began my mostly fruitless quest to find things to assemble an attractive, or at least funny, Bell Jar Ornament. I didn't find much, and what I found is... decidedly Montanan.

I also learned that my mother has WAY too many craft things to not have a freaking glue gun.  Seriously, she has an ENTIRE room of craft shit, and no way to stick it all together in a giant stringy finger-burning lump. Now that I have a glue gun (that I went out and bought in the middle of this pin test, after calling my mother on vacation in Florida to ask her if there was a glue gun hiding anywhere in her house) I may just end up making some abstract craft art to surprise her with.

So, after having my husband go cut plastic wine glasses with a dremel tool (he was slightly annoyed with me for forcing him to stop something else he was doing to cut them for me, so they are kind of passive aggressively uneven) I spent about 20 minutes trying to attach a buffalo to another buffalo. I finally gave up after consulting the instructions for my pin (hadn't done that yet... there were pictures... that I apparently didn't pay very close attention to) and I realized that I would need a glue gun before I could go any further, so I also gave the buffalo task to my husband, since he told me that the super glue we did have was dangerous, and went to the store.

Once I got back from Walmart with a glue gun... AND glue sticks, and other things to stick in future ornaments, the progress on the pin went pretty quickly. I am very happy with it and can't wait to put it on my tree, though I am trying to figure out what to tell my nephew should he ask why the buffaloes are attached.

I call it:

Buffaloes in Love

or alternatively:

Buffaloes who Love Playing Leap Frog

Adorable fucking buffalo. 

See what I did there?

Want to make ornaments for my tree and send them to me to be featured on the blarg? Details coming next month!

Valentine's Cards: Set One: Smutty Foods

Valentine's day is coming up, and what better way to be incredibly forward than with inappropriate but adorable cards, made by me.

There will be more themed sets forthcoming, so check back.  Also, all cards are available in my Zazzle shop*, in case you want to express your desires offline.

*If you are trying to find the cards in the Zazzle shop, but they don't seem to be there, please click the "content filter" link in the left navigation strip (it is towards the bottom), and allow PG-13 items to be shown, and they will magically appear. 


Without further ado... SMUTTY FOODS WISHING YOU HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Feel free to share this, as you see fit!

Hanukkah 2012: 6th Night- Dr. Whonukkah

Happy 6th Night of Hanukkah!

Tonight, your present is a Dalek Menorah!

CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!

CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! 

CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!

Hanukkah 2012: 5th Night -Nom Nom Nomukkah

You get a re-gift tonight, because I said so, but it is still awesome, and perfect gift for your belly on the 5th night of Hanukkah. But first, let's light the candles!

(there is a video here ^)

Potato Latkes

4 medium potatoes, peeled and cut
1/2 medium onion, quartered
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup matzo meal
2 large eggs
oil for frying
Sour cream and apple sauce

Heat about 1/4 inch of oil in a very large fry pan over medium heat.
Place cut and peeled potatoes in bowl of processor and chop finely until no large pieces remain.
Add onion and chop until uniform.
Add salt, matzo meal and eggs and pulse to mix well.  Should have the consistency of apple sauce.
Place 1/4 cup portions of uncooked latke mixture into hot oil in batches (it should sizzle when some batter is added) flatten slightly and fry until golden brown.
Flip carefully and fry other side until done.
Drain on paper towels.
Eat hot with sour cream and/or apple sauce.

Hanukkah 2012: 4th Night- Catnukkah

Happy 4th night of Hanukkah. I got you a grumpy cat, and one of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits of late.

Hanukkah 2012: 3rd Night- CRAP! (page 2)

It seems some of you guys really like my "CRAP!" So tonight, you get more of it. Page 2 of CRAP! is here for your reading pleasure.

Oh, and last night for Hanukkah, I got a "That's What She Said" shirt... from my mom.

Click here to biggify for reading and not all friggen blurry. Grr.

And unless you are an insider who has been listening to my long running ramblings about this comic (while it was in its inception phase), I'm gonna guess that you will not be able to guess what happens next. Though you are welcome to try...

And I'll be back tomorrow night with some more Hanukkah giftery!

Hanukkah 2012: 2nd Night: CRAP!

Now, usually when you get crap for Hanukkah, it is something you totally don't want, but I am hoping this is crap you will enjoy. For tonight, you one get one page of "Crap!" but if you are complimentary, you might get much more in the coming days. Or you might get a stale Panattone. There is really no way of knowing.

Click here to biggify for ease of reading since blogger wants to be a dick and make this distorted at whatever size I make it.. 

*sigh*

Anyway, Happy Hanukkah, the second. Come back tomorrow for more presents.

Hanukkah 2012: 1st Night- Gangsta Hanukkah

HAPPY HANUKKAH, BITCHES!

I like you guys so much that I got you two videos to watch for this, the first night of the Festival of Lights.  They are verbally offensive, which makes for the best videos really... so unless you want your kids repeating  foul phrases for the in-laws, you should probably watch these sans kids (or people who get upset by the n-word). 

The Hanukkah Bush is a sensitive subject for me. Now, I grew up in Miami Beach, which means that pretty much everyone I knew was Jewish, and it also means that until I was a teenager and went to school in Greater Miami where they actually had Christians, I knew pretty much nothing about Christmas traditions... except for Christmas Trees, which I knew mostly, from "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," because we didn't watch any other Christmas specials in my house. The Grinch, that was it. 

I didn't care about Santa, or wreaths, or stockings, but the idea of having a tree in your house that you got to decorate was of great interest to me. But my mom was having nothing of it.  My sister and I plead our case, but we were met with "There is no such thing as a Hanukkah Bush!" which I think was code for, "I'm not spending money to put a dead tree in our living room just so you can hang shit on it."

My first winter in my own apartment, I got my own Christmas Tree. It was totally worth it, too.

Don't forget... there will be a present every day for EIGHT WHOLE DAYS, so don't forget to come back after sunset each day!

Llama of the Month Club

In case you missed out on Black Friday deals because you have an actual job, or like me, because you didn't want to have to put clothes on and get out of bed, I have an offer here that some of you might be interested in.

The Llama of the Month Club!

This is a club wherein, you can buy a 3 month ($45), 6 month ($80), or year ($150) subscription to receive ACEO llama art from me, shipped right to your home, or the home of your favorite llama lover.

It will all be original art, so there are only a hand full of each subscription type.  And the subscription offers a special birthday ACEO for the recipient during their birth month.

 

If you are interested, you can find the listings with more details at my Etsy store (which has some boobs in, just as a warning) 

HERE!

It's Thanksgiving!

So I have heard many people complaining that Christmas music starts playing everywhere immediately after Halloween and that this is, apparently, a problem.

I shit you not, I almost cried in a grocery story today after hearing a little kid caroling everyone as her mother pushed her along.  Actually, maybe it was her aunt, because mom's get embarrassed easier than aunts and try to shut things like that down.

Anyway, I digress, I know a lot of people who are Grinchier than I am, and I'm a Jew, so maybe the novelty just hasn't worn off for me yet, but yeah, apparently Christmas songs in November is incredibly stressing to some of you guys.

I figured out why this is. Not why it bothers people, but why it starts right after Halloween. There is NO popular Thanksgiving music. I was telling Dr. Pants this the other day, suggesting that they crank out some awesome turkey tunes, but someone else beat them to it.

Remember everyone's favorite FUN FUN FUN FUN song.
The maker of "Friday" (the song, not the movie), has a new song for Thanksgiving... because no one else did it first. And to that, I say SHAME ON YOU, musicians, shame on all of you...

And also, I want someone to bring ribs to my house for Thanksgiving now.

there's a video here, RSS feeders

It is somehow LEAGUES worse than "Friday" and it prompted me to write my own Thanksgiving song, which I think is only 45% as annoying and way more endearing. It is also titled "It's Thanksgiving!"

there is also a video here... come to the site to watch it!

Happy Galactic Cupcake Day

I have decided that today is Galactic Cupcake Day. It is a day when you eat cupcakes, and share cupcakes with people you love, or like, or can at least stand without wanting to punch them regularly. So share a cupcake, and spread the word. And if you have any cupcakes left, send one to me!


p.s. Don't forget to share your cupcake with da Cheeseblarg, here, on FB, twitter or G+.


Here are the cupcakes I got today to celebrate (and share with my loved ones):