I'm very helpful, I know you all will agree, so this holiday season, I've brought you 7 surefire ways to avoid the guilt that tends to plague us around this time of the year. Having a happy holiday, whatever you might celebrate, is a great way to start a new year, so without further ado, 7 guilt-free holiday tips, right this way!
-One-
Don't feel guilty about eating food. Just don't. That is one of the choices you can make. The holidays are about enjoying stuff... why let feeling bad ruin that? When it comes to food guilt, just say no.
Because you can choose not to feel guilty for eating ALL THE FOODS!
-Two-
But what if someone tries to guilt you for eating food?
If I had a million dollars for every time someone put out food and then asked me snidely, "do you really NEED to eat that?" I would have enough money to get a really good defense lawyer for stabbing them all with my fork.
Here are some good responses if you encounter this kind of bullshit this holiday season:
Say yes cheerfully (and then shove the food in your mouth).
Tell the inquirer to fuck his/herself (also shove the food in your mouth).
-Three-
Don't eat babies. Eating babies generally upsets people and you should totally feel guilty about it, you monster. What's wrong with you?
-Four-
Enjoy everything you can because this time of the year is full of so much deliciousness. I mean, the holidays are about getting together and eating things... or eating alone at home with no pants on while watching Netflix with your cats.
You're making them wear holiday costumes anyway, you might as well have some spiked eggnog while you, Fluffernutter, and Mr. Whiskers binge watch Supernatural.
-Five-
Don't kick orphans. This makes most people feel pretty guilty during the holidays, again, for good reason. Perhaps you could buy some toys for underprivileged kids or maybe just watch this Toys for Tots commercial with the kid who asks the Marine if he's Santa and cry on your cat.
I'm not kidding, I cannot watch this commercial without crying. *wipes eyes on Stevie*
-Six-
Don't buy clothes in the wrong size (in the hopes of fitting into them) to stress yourself out before holiday parties. Seriously, having to spend time with people who take out their life's unhappiness on other people is NOT the time to sabotage any vestiges of your own happiness.
-Seven-
Don't be the person who tells other people that they should feel guilty this holiday season. People remember they are expected to feel guilty, I promise. They don't need you to tell them. They also don't need you to bring celery to holiday parties, not because it's delicious and delightfully crunchy, but because you have appointed yourself the diet fairy who has arrived in order to keep everyone from eating delicious fatty food.
Vegetables are not above shaming you.
Leave festive people alone...unless they're eating a baby or kicking orphans... then you can totally remind them that everyone thinks they're awful!
And with all that said, may your holidays be merry and bright and completely free of guilt!
