Cheeseblarg's Guide to Guilt-Free Holidays

I'm very helpful, I know you all will agree, so this holiday season, I've brought you 7 surefire ways to avoid the guilt that tends to plague us around this time of the year. Having a happy holiday, whatever you might celebrate, is a great way to start a new year, so without further ado, 7 guilt-free holiday tips, right this way!

-One-

Don't feel guilty about eating food. Just don't. That is one of the choices you can make. The holidays are about enjoying stuff... why let feeling bad ruin that? When it comes to food guilt, just say no.

Because you can choose not to feel guilty for eating ALL THE FOODS!

-Two- 

But what if someone tries to guilt you for eating food?

If I had a million dollars for every time someone put out food and then asked me snidely, "do you really NEED to eat that?" I would have enough money to get a really good defense lawyer for stabbing them all with my fork.

Here are some good responses if you encounter this kind of bullshit this holiday season:

Say yes cheerfully (and then shove the food in your mouth). 

Deliver a simple "nope" (and then shove the food in your mouth anyway).

Tell the inquirer to fuck his/herself (also shove the food in your mouth).

-Three- 

Don't eat babies. Eating babies generally upsets people and you should totally feel guilty about it, you monster. What's wrong with you?

-Four- 

Enjoy everything you can because this time of the year is full of so much deliciousness. I mean, the holidays are about getting together and eating things... or eating alone at home with no pants on while watching Netflix with your cats.

You're making them wear holiday costumes anyway, you might as well have some spiked eggnog while you, Fluffernutter, and Mr. Whiskers binge watch Supernatural.

-Five- 

Don't kick orphans. This makes most people feel pretty guilty during the holidays, again, for good reason. Perhaps you could buy some toys for underprivileged kids or maybe just watch this Toys for Tots commercial with the kid who asks the Marine if he's Santa and cry on your cat.

I'm not kidding, I cannot watch this commercial without crying. *wipes eyes on Stevie*

-Six- 

Don't buy clothes in the wrong size (in the hopes of fitting into them) to stress yourself out before holiday parties. Seriously, having to spend time with people who take out their life's unhappiness on other people is NOT the time to sabotage any vestiges of your own happiness.

-Seven- 

Don't be the person who tells other people that they should feel guilty this holiday season. People remember they are expected to feel guilty, I promise. They don't need you to tell them. They also don't need you to bring celery to holiday parties, not because it's delicious and delightfully crunchy, but because you have appointed yourself the diet fairy who has arrived in order to keep everyone from eating delicious fatty food.

Vegetables are not above shaming you.

 Leave festive people alone...unless they're eating a baby or kicking orphans... then you can totally remind them that everyone thinks they're awful!

And with all that said, may your holidays be merry and bright and completely free of guilt!

New Year's Resolution: Abracadabra!

About 15 years ago, I made a New Year's Resolution to never make a new year's resolution ever again and I have kept it for a really long time.

The resolution before that was not to date anyone who I was not attracted to upon first meeting them. If you'll remember the story of Evil Mike, you will understand where this came from.

This year, I am breaking my resolution not to resolve anymore, because I have an important resolution to make.

I have been wearing bras since I was in 5th grade. That is approximately 3/4ths of my life and for 28 years, having my bra straps fall off of my shoulder has been the bane of my existence. I have even considered having metal bolts, a la Frankenstein, inserted into my shoulders to keep my damned bra straps from falling down.

After getting a proper fitting bra, last year, for the first time ever (thanks to Jen Yates), I realized exactly why all of my straps are like limp noodles.

For all of my bra wearing life, I have been performing the Houdini Bra Removal Procedure.
You all know this, right? The action that guys marvel at?

I've been doing this for 28 years... always, even when I took off my shirt directly afterwards. It is kind of ridiculous that it never occurred to me that doing magic tricks with my bra was going to damage it.

So from here on out, I resolve not to take off my bra Houdini-Style ever again, especially when I am just going to take my shirt off immediately anyway.

2012 Cheesy Wrap Up

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, Cheeseblargians!

I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year, with all of the LOLs and NOMs and UNFs you could hope for. I also wish me the same because I am fairly self-centered.

I come bearing a ton of funny for the end of the year, in the form of  my comic, CRAP! which you should be reading and sharing, though most of you aren't which is a bit discouraging, but today, we reach the crux of what the comic is really about, so maybe that will be the camel straw that makes people actually respond to what I am doing so I am not just drawing this damned thing only to amuse myself (though it really really does amuse me, greatly... because I know what is going to happen). Be a hipster, like it before everyone else does!

Click the previews below to get to the comic page, which, for the unobservant, is also up in the right corner of the new navigation bar (^ that a-way)

Instead of posting them as separate posts, I'm archiving all of them here and on Tumbler, which I am now using, but as you see, I am inserting the E in there, right where it belongs. Future postings should be posted at the bottom of new posts in the same form as above.

Also, my Tard the Grumpy Cat drawing is in the I Can Has Cats t-shirt contest at We Love Fine, and if you wanted to rate that shit, that would be super awesome PLUS helping funny artists is good for your New Year karma, I've been told.

click the picture to go vote!

I also wanted to share this awesome drawing of me (the real me- I actually have a nose) done by reader Milina P. because it is friggen awesome. I love it when you guys draw me, or my characters, or llama narwhal hybrids. <3

Wonder JRose!

And this was sent to me overnight by reader Amanda E. who bought me the cake I desperately wanted that they don't sell in the Northwest. It was delicious, Amanda, thank you! You continue to RULE!  =D

And that's all. It has been a pretty cool year.  I hope next year will hold more posts, comic stories and fun exciting things, including me winning the lottery or somehow becoming independently wealthy so I can take a trip to the Grand Canyon finally, and go back to NYC so I can stalk  my College Humor crush, Emily visit my favorite city ever without getting robbed again, and maybe finally find out what the hell that smell is under Grand Central Station. 

So again, Happy New Year's! I love you guys... and I'm not even drunk!

Cheeseblarg OUT!

See you next year! 

   

Regrouping and Floor Cleaning

Fuck this moping shit. This needs to be the year of the JRose. I mean, last year I also declared it the year of the JRose (actually it was the "year of winning" but then Charlie Sheen had to go and implode and take my phrase and then I felt weird using it, but damn it, you get the idea), and in reality, for all the other crap, it was pretty much, indeed, a year of winning.  My campaign of terror on @blogger over at twitter, plus my sheer awesomeness, won me Blog of Note, allowing me to meet so many of you Cheeseblargians, which is fairly coincidental that you should already be called Cheeseblargians and then you should follow a site called "da Cheeseblarg."

I also um... I... won .. um... hrm.. I got my art published in a cookbook (Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen: Cookin' for Trouble) that I don't have a copy of so it may not actually be in there, so I am just going to assume it is because I signed a waiver saying it could be.  AND someone contacted me wanting to use a bad painting I did of David Hasselhoff in panties for the green room of some show he was going to be on to make him uncomfortable, though I never actually heard back from them...

The really bad painting in question. It's awful. I should have painted the one with the Shar Pei puppies.

 and then Conan O'Brien had my Coco Llama in his gallery AND talked about it after saying my name and another campaign of terror got me to NYC because I was in an art show in NYC and needed to see it in person, which was a life-long goal realized. Plus, I made a bunch of kick ass art. So this year, instead of bitching about bitchy shit, I just need to be winning-er. Being super win-y will make my shit crap health issues suck less by comparison. Especially if I become not poor while winning.

So let's start with the Shorty Awards under the category of blogging, because they didn't have a category for blarging, and I am nothing if not flexible.
Just scoot on over to this link (I imagine you should have a twitter account but why not try anyway) [link redacted] and tell them why I am the best blarger that ever lived (I stress "blarger."  I'm the only one, right? Or the original, at least? It should be easy to say I am the best without feeling like you are lying).

Then I seriously need to get this friggen celebrity endorsement, even if I need to become a celebrity myself and then do my own endorsement. It doesn't work that way does it? Well, I'll figure it out.


Point is, if I want my life to not be ruled by sucky aspects, I am gonna have to take it by the flappy bits and and shake it and say "HEY LIFE, STOP SUCKING. Health is not the only thing around. There's also internet awards, and celebrities who may someday pay attention to you, and  Bacon Jerky. And there are readers who give a shit and will be okay if you can't draw all the time, and frosting, and THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" At which point I imagine people will just stare at me and crickets will chirp, because UHF is a highly underrated movie.

Happy New Year!

Many years ago, I made a resolution not to make any more resolutions, and I've stuck to it since.  It is a shame, because I am really good at sticking to resolutions.  For example, I resolved, after breaking up with Evil Mike never to date anyone, ever again, who I did not find at least reasonably attractive upon first seeing them. That worked out well for me since my husband is pretty cute.

I think if I were to make resolutions, it would only be right for them to be ridiculous and super easy.  Like:

or perhaps:

I resolve to annoy celebrities on twitter until one of them finally acknowledges me as awesome OR blocks me.


Resolving not to do things seems like a drag. I have enough opportunities to be disappointed in myself naturally (still neurotic), I don't need to manufacture any more that I then declare publicly, giving other people the opportunity to be disappointed in me too. I think if you are gonna set up rules for yourself, they should make you happy, not miserable. So if you are still into resolving stuff, go easy on yourself, and please consider making at least one funny/easy resolution so you can feel like a success and add some laughter to your life... and then tell me about it so I can laugh too.

And hey, because I am a nerd and can't help myself, SEE YOU NEXT YEAR! =P