Musical Interlude: Kiss Off!

I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record.

If you are lost, I highly recommend you listen to this, one of my favorite songs EVER.

Kiss Off by the Violent Femmes

Musical Interlude- Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me

This song keeps coming on the radio, though I had never heard it before, prior to last week.  Had no idea it was an Elton John song, but since it keeps coming on, I figured it wanted an illustration.

Oh, and also, I'm immature.

(click for pnsfw funny)

Where he at?

Writing everyday is actually quite hard.  I mean, being funny everyday is hard when being funny includes drawing pictures.  Thankfully, I amuse myself and my standards are lower than everyone else's. Anyway, you can thank Mary for getting this stuck in my head, and now for getting it stuck in your head too.

And if you want to make writing easier for me, you can by encouraging me with comments, likes, and sharing my posts. And thank you to everyone who does.  You're more awesome than popsicles and platypuses.

Super Sneaky Lard-O-Matic

As much as I don't like offending other people, I find that just being me tends to do it sometimes. As I alluded to in "When Food Attacks," I don't diet. Beyond my base objections to it, I have a billion allergies and food intolerances and a disease that made me starve for 6 years as a result, so I'm not interested in denying myself food by choice. In general, I tell people this once and they leave me alone, but sometimes, strangers like to be helpful, noticing that I am what people consider 'OMG SO FAT!' and assume that I am obviously dieting and need their helpful advice, which I don't. I've learned from this that it really freaks people out when you respond to secret special diet information with, "Oh, thanks, no, I don't diet." It's this scandalous moment when I could have just as easily said, "Oh, no thank you, do you have grandchildren? I would like to roast them and eat them while baying at the moon, naked."

I know that it is easier sometimes to just nod and wander away, but some people just won't leave it alone.

The diet conspiracy lady approached me several years ago in the frozen food aisle of a Publix Supermarket. I had to work the next day and didn't feel like making myself lunch and so I was looking at the huge selection of frozen entrees that were on sale. I stood there, slack jawed, looking at all the different varieties wondering if any of them were actually palatable. Crazy diet lady sidles up to me. 'Oh lord, she is gonna start talking to me,' I realize after I've made accidental eye contact with her.
"A lot of choices, huh?"
Fuck... fine, my fault for looking at her, "Sure are. Do you know if any of these actually taste good?"
"I mean, some of them are okay, I've been trying to drop those last 20 pounds so I know this one is pretty good, very low fat, but you don't want those, you want these," and she motions over to a freezer full of a popular diet company's dinners which happen to be 3 times more expensive than the ones I was looking at. I look over, smile and nod politely and try to steer my way back to the sale dinners. "These," she points to more low calorie meals, "you should NEVER get these."
"Oh," I say.
"Oh, yes, I heard, " she says, leaning in, "That they SNEAK calories into their food."
"Oh, I'm not worried about calories..."
"What!?" she sounds nervous.
"I, uh, I don't diet. I was just looking for something that was cheap and fairly tasty."
"Oh," she says. "Oh..." and she grabs her cart and scampers away, looking back at me like I just admitted I like licking kitten feet.

Which, with their forays into litter boxes, I totally am not into.

As much as it may be your urge, I am not interested (still) in debating the topic of dieting. At all. Still a humor blarg.  And "OMG SO FAT" is not an insult in my eyes so no need to try to reassure me.  I am quite content in my body, no matter what the size. That is all.

Terror- It's What's for Dinner!

I often say that I wish that dinner would make itself for me, but no.  No.... if I came out, and food was actually making itself, the last thing I would want to do is eat it.

Non-Famous Twitter Illustrations #1

I know there is a blog out there that takes famous people's interesting and/or funny tweets and illustrates them, which is a brilliant idea, but also someone else's idea, so I figured I would take random people's tweets that are not terribly interesting or funny and illustrate them. I'm going to start with my search for the word cheese, for possibly obvious reasons... hopefully obvious? Seriously, do you even know where you are?

 Really, it was only because my first choice of  "llama" didn't pan out.

Anyway, here is one from @MsReeseCups* on twitter:

"Cheese and doe!"

Yeah, she probably meant "dough" but that wouldn't have made for nearly as cute of an illustration, though it would have been the start of  a delicious pizza.

*How delicious are Reese's Cups!? Really... I mean unless you are allergic to peanuts and then ack... well, possibly still delicious but then, also potentially deadly... or if you are not American and/or don't like peanut butter... they probably taste pretty crappy to you. Never mind, going with delicious!

The Taking Tree

Is it just me or is the Giving Tree about an apple tree and a sociopath with auditory hallucinations?

Okay, fine, maybe not, but that book always makes me cry and I really dislike that jerk kid.


If you've never read the story, you can see it here.

Licence to Abbreviate

While out today on "Mission: Last Minute Cupid," I saw a vanity plate that I couldn't quite decipher.  I decided that the person was either a rodeo clown or did animal husbandry for a dairy farm...

Here in Montana, there seem to be an inordinate amount of vanity plates.  Assigning a story to each of them makes for an enjoyable pastime, especially while waiting at train crossings.
A word of advice though, (also from an example found in town) if you are going to get a vanity plate, have a friend look it over for you, just in case.

Smoke-butt get away from that fire!

When my computer broke, I got a lot of twitter spam about getting a free computer (if I just "filled out some survey") when I complained about the death of my hard drive. I got one the other night, when tweeting about my husband getting me dinner, offering advice on how to deal with men.  Once, I mentioned my best friend from college who died tragically and how she had come to my wedding, and was sent spam for wedding favors (I assure you, they got 140 angry characters back).

And so I have (almost) learned that you cannot mention certain things on twitter without expecting messages from obnoxious spambots:
Smoke, at all... kitchen on fire? Got a new gray cat? Like LOST?
Diets... Anti-diet? Gluten-Free diet? Diet Pepsi?
Harry Potter. No, really. Learned that last night.

Of course, there are lots of bots on twitter that redeem the whole random tweets from stranger-bots thing, like Sue Ellen Crandell who responded when I said "I'm right on top of that, Rose." Or how when you mentioned roads, the (now suspended) Doc Brown bot responded "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!" Totally makes spammy tweets like " Watch the new Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows movie for FREE!!! JUST CLICK THIS SKETCHY LINK!!!!" bearable.

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby Right Round.

I spent the afternoon hanging out with my four year old nephew who spent the afternoon pretending to be different types of dinosaurs and spinning on a footstool that I used to spin on when I was a kid.  In fact, I procured the chair and ottoman from my grandmother's house when she died because it was THE best spinning surface that ever existed, plus she had good decorating sense.

Why do we stop spinning as adults?  I am sure my life would be much happier if I took some time each day to spin until I was a few turns before dizzy.  Maybe I should take a spinning class...

Truth in Advertising- Cannibalism Edition

When it comes to advertising food, I would a) prefer that it not be personified, especially when it is a vegetarian selection, and b)  prefer it not be super happy about offering itself for consumption should it be personified.  It's gross, and off-putting, and frankly, fairly morbid.
I'm looking at you shredded mini-wheats...

Musical Interlude- Hungry Eyes

I've been meaning to tell you, 

I've got this feelin' that won't subside.

I look at you and I fantasize. 

You're mine tonight.

Now I've got you in my sights 

With these hungry eyes.

Hungry Eyes - Eric Carmen