Forget Mensez, Here's Period Pocket!

If you have not seen this innovative new product, Mensez**, let me introduce you to it.

Dr Daniel Dopps, Kansas Chiropractor, is marketing a new way to control the ickiness of menstruation... literally gluing the labia shut so your period doesn't leak out. Genius, right!?

According to his Facebook page (which sadly has been taken down already, but this link works), women are idiots for not thinking of this before.

It's such an easy concept, you just apply this "Lip-stick" (get it, it sticks your "lips" together) comprised of amino acids and stuff and then it holds in all your oozing blood flow until you have to pee. Then, some magical formulation of glue that doesn't react to the moisture in blood lets go with the power of pee, and all the blood rushes out where he claims you never even have to look at it or touch it, which seems a pretty amazing claim, since he also says you need to clean up "down there" and apply more of this glue and then hold your labia together, presumably, until it dries enough to stick your junk together.

While this seems like a great idea, I think my idea, Period Pocket, will get the job done in a much easier and quicker way! With just a few pieces and a little glue, you can use your labia to capture all your blood without having to reapply any pesky glue. Allow me to illustrate!

The metal structure to the pocket is magnetic so you don't have to worry about movement making the pockets come unsnapped.

And, Period Pocket doesn't only have to be used during your period. You can also use it to store spare change or small snacks at other times of the month. Also helps with incontinence and overactive bladder*.


Of course, if you can't afford the low low price of $19.99 each month, you can always improvise with a plastic Zip-lock bag and some Krazy Glue. Just cut off the bottom of the bag, glue the opening to your vulva, and then yellow and blue makes green!




*may not actually help with incontinence or overactive bladder. It is really just a deconstructed coin purse.


** This is a real product, with a real patent. Or moreso, it is being marketed as a real product though it hasn't actually been formulated or tested yet because it is one of the most ridiculous ideas ever conceived. Honestly, gluing your labia together...

The Supervisor

This happened the other day:

Other than the talking part, but I know what his meows mean....

Then last night, I'm watching TV and I look over into my bathroom, and I see this.  I have no idea what it means, but I am pretty sure it is an intimidation tactic.

Portal

Do you ever have those dreams where you're in school and you're supposed to be going to a certain class but you realize you haven't gone to that class in like... 8 weeks, and so now it feels like it would just be embarrassing to show up and be all, "Hey, algebra class, I'm back...oh... we have a test? Shit. Also, why am I only wearing a towel?"

Yeah, well that is why I haven't posted anything for like a month.  I took the 22nd off because it was husband's birthday, and then it spiraled into, "Well, shit, I can't go back... I don't have an excuse for not posting now." Only, I do have an excuse...

That is not entirely true, I guess. I have a whole list of things I could write about that I haven't... like the fact that there is a portal to another dimension that has followed me around since I was a child.

In 1984, my parents bought me and my sister a Barbie Silver 'Vette. It was entirely bitchin'.

source

Unfortunately, when we went to put it together, there was a piece missing, the roll bar that held the back window on... not that that really bothered Barbie much. She was well aware that rolling her Corvette without the roll bar was going to do her no harm because her head is made of soft plastic, and it had seat belts. It was just kind of a bummer because the box was sealed, and a piece was missing. I still had loads of fun playing with it for the next 8 years.

Several months later, however (or maybe weeks, I don't know, time is exponentially more wibbly wobbly when you're an 8 year old), I was rummaging in a closet in my grandmother's den, and there was the friggen roll bar, just hanging out with some sensible shoes and a few scarfs.

In the past 29 years, I have had all sorts of things disappear and then reappear at a later time, but I was reminded of the 'Vette incident when we recently had our kitchen and pantry floors redone. My husband stashed as much as he could in cabinets and then moved everything else out of both of the rooms. When everything came back, the lids to all of our pots were gone. We looked through every cabinet, every box, in the basement, EVERYWHERE.

A month or so later, I was sitting next to the kitchen sink, waiting for water to boil, and I thought, 'Eh, I know we've looked under the sink a bajillion times, but why the hell not?' and I peeked in the cabinet and the motherfuckers were sitting right there out in the open.

Seriously, we had pulled everything out of there. They weren't there, and then, all of a sudden, they were.

I have thus surmised that it has to be an inter-dimensional portal that is responsible for the phasing of my belongings in and out of my environment. It is really the only thing that makes sense.

Valentine's Cards: Set One: Smutty Foods

Valentine's day is coming up, and what better way to be incredibly forward than with inappropriate but adorable cards, made by me.

There will be more themed sets forthcoming, so check back.  Also, all cards are available in my Zazzle shop*, in case you want to express your desires offline.

*If you are trying to find the cards in the Zazzle shop, but they don't seem to be there, please click the "content filter" link in the left navigation strip (it is towards the bottom), and allow PG-13 items to be shown, and they will magically appear. 


Without further ado... SMUTTY FOODS WISHING YOU HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Feel free to share this, as you see fit!

Happy Galactic Cupcake Day

I have decided that today is Galactic Cupcake Day. It is a day when you eat cupcakes, and share cupcakes with people you love, or like, or can at least stand without wanting to punch them regularly. So share a cupcake, and spread the word. And if you have any cupcakes left, send one to me!


p.s. Don't forget to share your cupcake with da Cheeseblarg, here, on FB, twitter or G+.


Here are the cupcakes I got today to celebrate (and share with my loved ones):

A Poignant Comic About Hot Cocoa

Zombies in Miami? It's more likely than you think!

I'm sad to inform you all that the zombie apocalypse started today in Miami, Florida, my hometown. While totally naked, Zombie Joe, the apocalypse's answer to Typhoid Mary,  attacked and ate the face of another man, who is in critical condition at a Miami hospital. Police had to shoot the nude Zombie Joe half a dozen times to finally kill him as he continued to eat the victim.

I have to say, I feel fairly safe here in Montana, because if the trend is going to be naked zombies, they are going to freeze in the snow that we had last night or at least be slowed enough that head shots will be simpler.

Nevertheless, the time is now, dear readers, to ready your plans. It is clear that Joe's victim will have been infected and is going to start with the chompy-chompy sometime soon.

Will you stock up supplies?

Will you fortify your homes?

Or will you join me under the bathroom sink where we will be very very still and very very quiet?

Also, I am very sorry to the victim and the families of the people in this news article, I am very insensitive, but seriously, you have to be a little aware that if your injured loved one tries to bite you, he's totally a zombie and you should kill him, immediately.

Pee Post

This pee post is nothing like the pudding post. For the record.

I want to know and understand the mechanism that makes me nearly pee on the bathroom floor every time I turn on the shower.  Theories are that it is operant conditioning, like Pavlov's dogs, but I have to wonder if it is the same mechanism that makes me dream of bathrooms to discourage me wetting the bed.
Am I the only one that has this? I have polled my friends in the past and it seems that  for the most part, men don't dream of bathrooms though some women do, I guess because guys have a built-in physical pee deterrent (morning wood, I mean... that is its purpose, no?).

But if you have no idea what I am talking about, here is a repeating feature of my dreams, nightly:

Crazy things happen.
Find a unicorn crafted from green banana peels.*
Kill a zombie cat who is actually one of my friends.*
Oh wait, I have to pee.
Hrm, is there a bathroom anywhere?
Oh, look, here is one, and then my brain presents me with a way to relieve myself, but there is always a hitch...

(click to biggify)

And so every night, I am treated to a new and novel variation (or four) of "trick bathrooms" to wake me up to go pee.


*I would like to reveal that these are both actual dreams that I had this week.

What Nerds Think: About Attractive People

I saw someone today with one of the most symmetrical faces I have ever seen. 

Hanukkah 2011- 1st Night- Pee Wee's Playhouse

Like last year (and as I plan to do as long as I write this blarg) I am celebrating Hanukkah with all of you.
Don't get excited. Hanukkah gifts are never good, unless your parents are really rich and have something to prove and I am neither your parents, nor rich. I am funny... so this Hanukkah will be funny, and cheap, and fairly inappropriate.

On the first night of Hanukkah I got you:

(If you are visiting the site, you get to click the link below to open your presents...otherwise it will just look weird and you will have to pretend you are opening things as you scroll down)

How to tell if someone is depressed, or maybe a hipster.

I couldn't be bothered to put on pants today to leave the house.

I don't mean I went out buck-assed naked on the bottom half, I just couldn't be bothered to put on ACTUAL pants to leave the house today.  Nor a bra.

I was just going to pick my nephew up from school and knew I was not getting out of my car (unless it somehow exploded into flames or something), so I think I am still safe.  When I start walking around in public wearing pajama pants and an old shirt with no bra, it is probably time for medication.

Although, one time, when I was in college, I decided that I would wear my flannel pajama top with a pair of jeans because it was cold out and I thought the top was cute.  I ended up at the health clinic and a lovely, but very concerned doctor tried to diagnose me with depression.  I assured him I had a raging case of weirdness, but that I had not giving up on life because I made ill-advised fashion choices.

It's the bra, really.  As long as someone who needs it is wearing a bra or some sort of chestal support with non-sexy clothing , I am willing to believe that they still have some sort of hold on their sanity. As long as the bra is worn as prescribed, of course.  It doesn't count if it is on the outside of their clothes, or on their head.  And even that can be argued for the sake of fashion, I suppose. I really don't know how to gauge it for people who don't need bras. Not brushing their hair? Wearing sweatpants to work when their job does not involve working out in cold climates? Am I just describing hipsters now?

Pudding Post

I'm super excited.  I went to lunch today at our local Chinese buffet and my fortune cookie gave me great news:

The project you have in mind will soon gain momentum.

Which is pretty awesome because I wasn't sure how it would be received. But here it is:

Of course, I will only offer butterscotch pudding, since that is the best flavor. 

This is going to be great.  I should go get a post office box RIGHT NOW!

Holiday Movie Review: ThanksKilling

I would like to share with you one of the most poignant films of the Thanksgiving season.  It is THE best Thanksgiving movie I have ever seen in the Comedy Horror genre.  It is also one of the only Thanksgiving movies I have ever seen in said genre, but that is beside the point, because if you have not seen the movie ThanksKilling, you are really missing out.

Some of the better points:

• Gratuitous nudity in the first seconds of the film.
• A really punny foul-mouthed murdering turkey.
• INCREDIBLY bad acting... like REALLY bad. So bad.
• Gore and lots of it.
• Hilariously funny plot- the interactions with the killer are my favorite part.
• The opening music. Gobble gobble gobble.

This movie, however, is TOTALLY not for kids and it is absolutely not for people who don't like bad words or nudity or BAD ACTING. But if you enjoy funny and gory, or can handle gory and bad acting for funny, watch this movie.  It is available for instant viewing on Netflix, and on Hulu and it can be bought on DVD finally.

Again, it is BAD... if you go into it expecting a serious, high-production, horror movie, you might well hate it, but since people who would listen to my suggestions anyway like me and my dumb humor, you should highly enjoy this movie.

And, I was going to post the trailer, but it gives away too much in my opinion, so here is a teaser trailer... that has nsfw language.

This review/suggestion is not paid and was made of my own volition. It is just a great bad movie that is perfect for an adult holiday!

Everywhere a Llama, Llama- NYC

Since Saturdays are slow traffic days because, apparently, everyone else has a life and friends and stuff, I am going to share with you every single llama that resides within the American Museum of Natural History in New York City... because, I took pictures of ALL of them. Every single one.

To the LLAMAS!

Just read the label under it.

Those are llamas.

Also, a llama.

You guessed it, llama (and a cute spotted llama at that).

This one just wouldn't freaking stand still. I must have tried to take this picture about 30 times and this is the best of them. It was only about 2 inches high.... and is also a llama.

Boy llama.

Herd of gravy boat llamas.

I didn't see a single narwhal, but I was talked into leaving before I was done searching every room, in an attempt to get to the Bronx zoo before it closed.  We didn't get to the zoo because we started out late and had a few subway mishaps... but it gives me an excuse to go back.  

Charming Thanksgiving Fun

As I said last year, I like to terrorize my Thanksgiving guests and make them DO things before they can have their dinner.  Because I use up all my creativity drawing stupid pictures and joking about horrifying genres of porn, my staple torture device is "The Hand Turkey." If you are unfamiliar with the hand turkey tradition, you are either not American, were home-schooled, or may have some sort of memory disorder.  Basically, you trace your hand, and make the tracing into a turkey. Very complicated stuff.

I tried really hard to come up with more Thanksgiving crafts, but it took way more effort than I was willing to expend and I thought googling would be cheating. If you have any, especially if they are really awful (not goatse awful, please... although... no, not goatse awful) do let me know.  In the meantime, I created an easy set of print-outs so you can share my Thanksgiving traditions with your families.

Extra llama points if  you post a hand turkey on the FB page... just so you know!

Also, PLACE CARDS!  You have to have place cards at family dinners, because, a) you certainly cannot trust people to pick their own seats, and b) actually telling people where to sit is out of the question. You are already flustered enough trying to get everything out passive-aggressively hot so Aunt Beverly doesn't bitch that the potatoes are cold again this year, and if you have to repeat yourself at all, you may just stab a ho'.

I've included one for if your family has a sense of humor, and one to keep you from being disinherited. Just print it out on card stock, carefully cut along the blue border and write your guests' name in the blank area. Or something like that...



*if you don't know what Goaste is and you look it up, it is not my fault. I'm not kidding. Curiosity/Cat/Yadda. Eye Bleach does not exist.

Non-confrontational Guide to Getting Your Waiter's Attention.

My waitress at lunch today was pretty damned inattentive.  Thankfully, she got back to us before I got to the cacophony.

I would like to state, for the record, that the comic originally said "waitron" instead of waitress, but it was argued that normal people don't use the word waitron and that it would mar the joke.  I urge you, however, to start referring to your wait people as waitrons, as it is an awesome genderless term that makes them sound like SUPER SERVICE ROBOTS.

Can I take your order?

There are times that I wonder if things just happen to me to give me something to write about.  It is really like my life is one big chain of weird event that have no apparent reason other than to give me material.  Today I went out to lunch shortly after noon and we got stuck in a giant line.  I really wanted a bacon cheeseburger so I just stood there patiently.

After five or ten minutes of waiting, an older lady walked up with a stack of paper.  "Are you two together?" she asked us and we told her we were. "Okay, I'll start with you then."  We were smack dab in the middle of the line of about twenty people and the women in front of us turned around, incredulous. It seemed a nice touch though, that in a fast food place they would send out "Hostess Vicky" to expedite orders to get us all out of there soon. So she asked us what we wanted and we told her our order which she wrote down in lovely wide looping cursive and then, after she had written it all down, she handed the paper to me. Not to the people in the back, not to the cashier. She handed it to me. What the quack was I supposed to do with it?
I guess she was bored and wanted to seem useful? Maybe she was taking a census? When we got to the register, we had to order again, even after handing them the mystery paper, to clarify, and then, of course, they got our order wrong.

I insisted on taking a picture of it to prove that I don't just make up this stuff.

Super Sneaky Lard-O-Matic

As much as I don't like offending other people, I find that just being me tends to do it sometimes. As I alluded to in "When Food Attacks," I don't diet. Beyond my base objections to it, I have a billion allergies and food intolerances and a disease that made me starve for 6 years as a result, so I'm not interested in denying myself food by choice. In general, I tell people this once and they leave me alone, but sometimes, strangers like to be helpful, noticing that I am what people consider 'OMG SO FAT!' and assume that I am obviously dieting and need their helpful advice, which I don't. I've learned from this that it really freaks people out when you respond to secret special diet information with, "Oh, thanks, no, I don't diet." It's this scandalous moment when I could have just as easily said, "Oh, no thank you, do you have grandchildren? I would like to roast them and eat them while baying at the moon, naked."

I know that it is easier sometimes to just nod and wander away, but some people just won't leave it alone.

The diet conspiracy lady approached me several years ago in the frozen food aisle of a Publix Supermarket. I had to work the next day and didn't feel like making myself lunch and so I was looking at the huge selection of frozen entrees that were on sale. I stood there, slack jawed, looking at all the different varieties wondering if any of them were actually palatable. Crazy diet lady sidles up to me. 'Oh lord, she is gonna start talking to me,' I realize after I've made accidental eye contact with her.
"A lot of choices, huh?"
Fuck... fine, my fault for looking at her, "Sure are. Do you know if any of these actually taste good?"
"I mean, some of them are okay, I've been trying to drop those last 20 pounds so I know this one is pretty good, very low fat, but you don't want those, you want these," and she motions over to a freezer full of a popular diet company's dinners which happen to be 3 times more expensive than the ones I was looking at. I look over, smile and nod politely and try to steer my way back to the sale dinners. "These," she points to more low calorie meals, "you should NEVER get these."
"Oh," I say.
"Oh, yes, I heard, " she says, leaning in, "That they SNEAK calories into their food."
"Oh, I'm not worried about calories..."
"What!?" she sounds nervous.
"I, uh, I don't diet. I was just looking for something that was cheap and fairly tasty."
"Oh," she says. "Oh..." and she grabs her cart and scampers away, looking back at me like I just admitted I like licking kitten feet.

Which, with their forays into litter boxes, I totally am not into.

As much as it may be your urge, I am not interested (still) in debating the topic of dieting. At all. Still a humor blarg.  And "OMG SO FAT" is not an insult in my eyes so no need to try to reassure me.  I am quite content in my body, no matter what the size. That is all.

WTQ!?

I asked my nephew what I should write about today in my blarg, and after asking me what my blarg was, he narrated the following story.  He assured me it is an original, so if it is not... blame the five year old for the copyright infringement.

Once, there was a goose

and he walked into a truck while he wasn't paying attention

And the truck kept driving

And the duck kept walking. . .

(Wait, I thought you said it was a goose... It was a goose that turned INTO a duck... Alright...)

And he said 'What the quack is going on!?"

That silly goose!

The end.

Giggling he told me assuredly "That will make them laugh!"  And I'm pretty sure he was right.  It made me laugh at least.

(It was specified that it was a red goose/duck and a blue green truck, for the record.  Clearly important parts of the story!)

More Than Meets the Eye

My nephew is currently obsessed with Transformers so while planning the invitations for his 5th birthday party, I became inspired. Enjoy my random Optimus Prime art.