Valentine's day is coming up, and what better way to be incredibly forward than with inappropriate but adorable cards, made by me.
There will be more themed sets forthcoming, so check back. Also, all cards are available in my Zazzle shop*, in case you want to express your desires offline.
*If you are trying to find the cards in the Zazzle shop, but they don't seem to be there, please click the "content filter" link in the left navigation strip (it is towards the bottom), and allow PG-13 items to be shown, and they will magically appear.
Without further ado... SMUTTY FOODS WISHING YOU HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Here we are again. This little blarg that I started two years ago on this date is celebrating its birthday. It's done so much in that time, and I hope it does much more in the future.
Remember the time when we won Blog of Note from Blogger? And that time that we went to NYC to hang out with our Coco Llama in Conan O'Brien's gallery with the help of you readers? And we won Voice of the Year from BlogHer? And I was published not once, but twice, with Cheeseblarg art?
Yup, we've done a lot so far, and someday, we'll get our mention from a celebrity and we'll finally buy that Unicorn Jumbo Jet we have always wished for!
Happy Birthday, Cheeseblarg, and thanks for reading again, and always! And of course, I made cake!
If you want to give Cheeseblarg a present, share your favorite post with friends and celebrities, or cash donations work to. ;)
...see more about the creation of this cake below...
For Halloween this year, I wanted to share with you some of my favorite BAD horror movies. By bad, I mean of course, good, but bad. They are not polished or necessarily deep, nor would the acting in them win any awards, other than a Razzie, mayhaps, but they are some of my favorites of all time.
(for those viewing by RSS, there are trailers for each video on the actual blarg)
The Stuff (1985)
The acting is really horrible (as you can see in the trailer), but it is really amusing, and only slightly gross.
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
This has it all, sex, gore, graphic nudity, witty teenaged banter, creepy older men trying to hump teenagers, bad acting, and it is fairly bizarre to boot. The ending has apparently made it a cult classic, so join the cult. The kool aid is delicious.
Frankenhooker (1990)
The VHS box of this at our local video store, when I was in high school, had a button on it that would declare "Hey, wanna date? Got some money?" when pushed. This was repeated by me and friends throughout high school and college, which got me some weird looks, let me tell you. It is hysterical, though, and bizarre and icky (not really gorey like things are today, but icky all the same). And did I mention it is funny. Horror comedy at its best.
House (1986)
Again, funny, and scary. There is some good creature work in this and it stars The Greatest American Hero! My sister and I watched this as young teens, and then made our dad watch it with us because we thought it was really good and really scary. He spent the first 5 minutes asking us "Is this the scary part?" and declaring "This doesn't seem very scary." And then, he spent the rest of our teenaged years terrifying us by sneaking outside to press his face against random windows, since he looks like one of the scary characters in the movie. He might be the reason I have intestinal issues.
Invaders from Mars (1986)
This movie has always been one of my favorites. It is unfortunate that it is not on DVD, but it can be viewed in entirety on YouTube. It is a remake of the 1953 Invaders from Mars that nods to the original. This movie fascinated me as a kid, and is more suspense and creepy sci-fi than flat-out horror, really, though it does have some creepy creature design done by Stan Winston who is responsible for some of the best special effects in cinema (Alien, The Thing, Edward Scissor Hands, seriously, the man is legend).
So, now that I have shared my favorites of the B rated horror classics, that I hope you will check out for Halloween, what would you recommend I watch?
I bought a box of FrankenBerry cereal last night. It is a compulsory Halloween Time purchase. My friend asked me what it tasted like (because apparently the pink box and "berry" in the name didn't give it away) and my response was "AWFUL. It tastes awful."
"If it tastes awful, why did you get it?"
"Uh, because it is FrankenBerry..."
"Are you going to eat it?"
"Yes!"
"But you said it tastes awful..."
"And it does... but I like some things that taste awful."
And I do. I have a soft spot in my nom-hole for things that taste like artificial strawberry. And cereal marshmallows. I will eat almost anything as long as it has crispy fake marshmallows in it.
Many years ago, I created a Monster Cereal painting for an art show I was in. I tried to sell it for a whole lot of money but no one wanted to buy it, which is usually the case with my art. It is still for sale, just sayin'.
A common Hanukkah present theme is bargain food items, and here I am representing. I even have recipe ideas I've drawn up for you! Enjoy!
Baru hata adanoi... I don't know how to really transcribe Hebrew but that is how it sounds to me... probably a lot like the song Ken Lee to a real Hebrew speaker...
The ghost of a tuna fish tried to kill me last night while I slept.
Most people think of acid reflux as a minor annoyance, and while you are awake, I would tend to agree. Having heartburn sucks, but at least you are awake, and aware of having it, and are most likely not lying down, and so you're slightly uncomfortable and can go take an acid reducer of some sort. But when you are asleep, acid reflux tries to murder the shit out of you.
Last night, I was happily dreaming about magical spit when all of a sudden, I was awake and terribly aware that I was dying. I sat straight up, flailing, as one will do when they are jolted awake by choking to death, and tried to breathe but my lungs just gave me a big "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" and would not inflate.
The following conversation was then had with my lungs:
Me: "Please, I need to breathe!!!"
My Lungs: "You should have thought about that before you filled us with stomach acid, you asshole!"
Me: "Yeah, I wasn't trying to. I'm not enjoying this any more than you are."
My Lungs: "Stop eating tuna fish for dinner."
Me: "Yeah, I'm right on top of that, Rose. In the mean time, could you let me get some fucking oxygen because I am dying here."
My Lungs: "Fine, if we must, but we're not kidding about the tuna."
And so, after probably only a few seconds that felt like way longer of desperately trying to breathe, my lungs began working again, and the ghost tuna was exorcised through a ritual of burping and puking that sounded like I had eaten a live velociraptor.
In case you are worried, I'm fine now, other than some slight lung-area pain and a major case of tuna-related PTSD.
Today, I would like to talk about another of my great hatreds.
When I first moved in with my husband, who was then my boyfriend, we lived in a house that belonged to one of his coworkers, who also lived there with his cat named Nigel. Nigel liked to go outside and hunt in the overgrown jungle that surrounded the house, and so, whether by happy accident, or on purpose, I never asked, one of the panes of the French doors at the entrance of the house was busted out which made a makeshift cat door.
But of course, as the case always is, nature doesn't follow the rules of a house and the cat was not the only thing that was able to enter through that door, no, not just the cat.
There was the night that I walked out towards the bathroom and saw a large raccoon happily eating the cat food in the front room, but that is not what this is about.
This is about the flying creatures that trespassed into the house.
Moths have always bothered me (especially since I share their desire to hurt myself with bright lights) but one evening, it was kicked in to full blown phobia realms. I went into the kitchen and opened the cabinet to get ingredients for dinner.
I had cut up some chicken and grabbed a box of seasoned rice to make a quick fry up, and so I melted butter in the pan and poured the rice into the pan to brown it before I added the water.
Only, some of the rice was moving.
And then I looked in the box and found a moth, obviously a mommy moth, and then I screamed, and cried in a totally hysterical manner, before throwing the rice away and all of the boxes of rice that were in the pantry. And then I went out to buy the biggest container of mothballs that I could possibly find.
I've gotten to the point where I no longer need to make my house smell like that of a grandma (it only took a few years), but I still am prone to screaming and flapping when a moth finds its way into my environment, and I call (read: screech) for its immediate removal and/or murder.
I often say that I wish that dinner would make itself for me, but no. No.... if I came out, and food was actually making itself, the last thing I would want to do is eat it.
Today, while enjoying lunch with my nephew after picking him up from preschool, we were introduced to royalty. It is obvious that my nephew doesn't have the same aversion as I do to personifying food, because after carefully considering, he picked up one of his mini-corndogs, decreed it "King of the Corndogs" because it was the longest in the order.. and then he promptly ate it, with no remorse at all.
RIP King of the Corndogs - It was a short reign. You were delicious.
I've spent the last couple days baking and making treats. I still have quite a bit more to do, including packaging up treats and sending them out. I always forget to actually tell the recipients what it is I have sent them, so this year, I figured I would draw some tags to label everything, since I am including some new treats that my friends won't recognize from previous years of guessing.
And then I thought, gee, I haven't written a blarg post in a couple days. So TADA! Gift tags for you (and me) to use!
Standard Llama Reindeer
Creepy Candy Cane
There may well be more when I am done with all of my baking!
When it comes to advertising food, I would a) prefer that it not be personified, especially when it is a vegetarian selection, and b) prefer it not be super happy about offering itself for consumption should it be personified. It's gross, and off-putting, and frankly, fairly morbid.
I'm looking at you shredded mini-wheats...
