Cheeseblarg's Guide to Guilt-Free Holidays

I'm very helpful, I know you all will agree, so this holiday season, I've brought you 7 surefire ways to avoid the guilt that tends to plague us around this time of the year. Having a happy holiday, whatever you might celebrate, is a great way to start a new year, so without further ado, 7 guilt-free holiday tips, right this way!

-One-

Don't feel guilty about eating food. Just don't. That is one of the choices you can make. The holidays are about enjoying stuff... why let feeling bad ruin that? When it comes to food guilt, just say no.

Because you can choose not to feel guilty for eating ALL THE FOODS!

-Two- 

But what if someone tries to guilt you for eating food?

If I had a million dollars for every time someone put out food and then asked me snidely, "do you really NEED to eat that?" I would have enough money to get a really good defense lawyer for stabbing them all with my fork.

Here are some good responses if you encounter this kind of bullshit this holiday season:

Say yes cheerfully (and then shove the food in your mouth). 

Deliver a simple "nope" (and then shove the food in your mouth anyway).

Tell the inquirer to fuck his/herself (also shove the food in your mouth).

-Three- 

Don't eat babies. Eating babies generally upsets people and you should totally feel guilty about it, you monster. What's wrong with you?

-Four- 

Enjoy everything you can because this time of the year is full of so much deliciousness. I mean, the holidays are about getting together and eating things... or eating alone at home with no pants on while watching Netflix with your cats.

You're making them wear holiday costumes anyway, you might as well have some spiked eggnog while you, Fluffernutter, and Mr. Whiskers binge watch Supernatural.

-Five- 

Don't kick orphans. This makes most people feel pretty guilty during the holidays, again, for good reason. Perhaps you could buy some toys for underprivileged kids or maybe just watch this Toys for Tots commercial with the kid who asks the Marine if he's Santa and cry on your cat.

I'm not kidding, I cannot watch this commercial without crying. *wipes eyes on Stevie*

-Six- 

Don't buy clothes in the wrong size (in the hopes of fitting into them) to stress yourself out before holiday parties. Seriously, having to spend time with people who take out their life's unhappiness on other people is NOT the time to sabotage any vestiges of your own happiness.

-Seven- 

Don't be the person who tells other people that they should feel guilty this holiday season. People remember they are expected to feel guilty, I promise. They don't need you to tell them. They also don't need you to bring celery to holiday parties, not because it's delicious and delightfully crunchy, but because you have appointed yourself the diet fairy who has arrived in order to keep everyone from eating delicious fatty food.

Vegetables are not above shaming you.

 Leave festive people alone...unless they're eating a baby or kicking orphans... then you can totally remind them that everyone thinks they're awful!

And with all that said, may your holidays be merry and bright and completely free of guilt!

It's Thanksgiving!

So I have heard many people complaining that Christmas music starts playing everywhere immediately after Halloween and that this is, apparently, a problem.

I shit you not, I almost cried in a grocery story today after hearing a little kid caroling everyone as her mother pushed her along.  Actually, maybe it was her aunt, because mom's get embarrassed easier than aunts and try to shut things like that down.

Anyway, I digress, I know a lot of people who are Grinchier than I am, and I'm a Jew, so maybe the novelty just hasn't worn off for me yet, but yeah, apparently Christmas songs in November is incredibly stressing to some of you guys.

I figured out why this is. Not why it bothers people, but why it starts right after Halloween. There is NO popular Thanksgiving music. I was telling Dr. Pants this the other day, suggesting that they crank out some awesome turkey tunes, but someone else beat them to it.

Remember everyone's favorite FUN FUN FUN FUN song.
The maker of "Friday" (the song, not the movie), has a new song for Thanksgiving... because no one else did it first. And to that, I say SHAME ON YOU, musicians, shame on all of you...

And also, I want someone to bring ribs to my house for Thanksgiving now.

there's a video here, RSS feeders

It is somehow LEAGUES worse than "Friday" and it prompted me to write my own Thanksgiving song, which I think is only 45% as annoying and way more endearing. It is also titled "It's Thanksgiving!"

there is also a video here... come to the site to watch it!

Life Lessons - Tire Balancing

There are many things I have learned in life, the hard way, and I thought I would use my stupid mistakes as examples to help all of you, in this new series I've aptly titled, Life Lessons.


This is the first in the series: Tire Balancing



I think that asking if you want a newly mounted tire "balanced" for an additional cost is some sort of mechanics' practical joke.

I learned this lesson in my early 20s while getting a new tire at a used tired place.

I was wrong. Even though I only had $50 to my name, I REALLY did want to spend that extra money, but I was working under the assumption that tires are actually round by nature.  They're not. I think they might be triangular, or hexagonal, but they sure as hell aren't naturally round, which I learned, as my car rocked and wobbled as I drove it away from the shop, fifteen dollars richer, but substantially less comfortable.
I'm surprised they weren't openly laughing at me when I came back a few days later to report there was something wrong with the tire they sold me.

Zed: Well, you said you didn't want it balanced!
Me: Right, because I didn't realize that "balancing" was a secret code word for AN ACTUAL WORKING TIRE!
And then I paid $15 to get my tire made in to a circle.

So here's your lesson:
You want your new tire balanced. It's worth the money. Only an asshole gives you the option to drive away on a triangular tire.

Charming Thanksgiving Fun

As I said last year, I like to terrorize my Thanksgiving guests and make them DO things before they can have their dinner.  Because I use up all my creativity drawing stupid pictures and joking about horrifying genres of porn, my staple torture device is "The Hand Turkey." If you are unfamiliar with the hand turkey tradition, you are either not American, were home-schooled, or may have some sort of memory disorder.  Basically, you trace your hand, and make the tracing into a turkey. Very complicated stuff.

I tried really hard to come up with more Thanksgiving crafts, but it took way more effort than I was willing to expend and I thought googling would be cheating. If you have any, especially if they are really awful (not goatse awful, please... although... no, not goatse awful) do let me know.  In the meantime, I created an easy set of print-outs so you can share my Thanksgiving traditions with your families.

Extra llama points if  you post a hand turkey on the FB page... just so you know!

Also, PLACE CARDS!  You have to have place cards at family dinners, because, a) you certainly cannot trust people to pick their own seats, and b) actually telling people where to sit is out of the question. You are already flustered enough trying to get everything out passive-aggressively hot so Aunt Beverly doesn't bitch that the potatoes are cold again this year, and if you have to repeat yourself at all, you may just stab a ho'.

I've included one for if your family has a sense of humor, and one to keep you from being disinherited. Just print it out on card stock, carefully cut along the blue border and write your guests' name in the blank area. Or something like that...



*if you don't know what Goaste is and you look it up, it is not my fault. I'm not kidding. Curiosity/Cat/Yadda. Eye Bleach does not exist.

November Sticker Sale- Tom Llama

These stickers are only available during November. It is a limited edition sticker with only 25 available for sale. With shipping, each sticker is $2 USD. You can choose to send me more if you like, in case you are feeling generous, but of course, you don't have to.

 Each hand cut sticker is around 3.6  inches high by about 2.6 inches wide and has a matte finish. Will be sent first class mail by USPS.  For those outside the US, please choose the outside US option for the first sticker, and $2 for any additional sticker in the same order.

No longer for sale, sorry!

(for those viewing by RSS, there is a button to purchase the sticker on the actual post)








Why am I selling stickers?


Because people buy them and collecting things is fun.
Also, my husband lost his job in May. He still doesn't have a job. And, stickers are awesome, are within my skill set, and I like being able to not be stressed constantly about money.


Donation? Why would I give you a donation? Stop panhandling!


 The "donation" is just an option to pay a little bit extra, if one feels like it- for example, if you feel you have gotten extra value out of me drawing for you and making you laugh on a somewhat regular basis. One of my favorite musicians offers her albums for "60 cents or more," online and I wanted to do something similar, but I couldn't do it the way I wanted to because I needed to keep track of how many items sell, since the stickers are limited edition. No one is obligated to send me more, but it is there if you want to. 
And stop being mean, I am not panhandling... panhandling implies that I smell bad and have a sign. I have no sign.