Down low, too slow!

I hate high fiving. A lot.

High fiving humans...
I will high five the shit out of animals.
Except birds, fuck birds, but I will high five any hamster that puts its creepy little alien paw up for me to gently tap with my palm (because it is a tiny cute hamster and full on high five might hurt it).

High fiving humans holds no interest for me because they judge you when you are awkward and your hand isn't a fucking physics major, so you kinda miss their hand on the forward trajectory, not hitting it right on, and then they know you have spacial issues, and they don't say anything but you can see it in the way that they avoid your eyes.

Or you go for the high five and they do the mercy hand position and there you are, slightly horrified, looking like you are defending yourself again a bully who wants to break your wrists and they are clutching at your hands, jumping up and down, excited, and you are just receding to your happy place until this stranger danger is over.

And it is stranger danger, because anyone who really knows me knows I don't want to touch their hands. They also probably know that they don't want to touch my hands (see the post about my activities on road trips). I'd rather most people put their genitals on me than their grubby dirty hands.


That job I had, the one that I got fired from, they were staunch believers in high fives.  My soul died a little every time I was forced to partake in their bizarre hand touching ritual. Thankfully they fired me though, so I didn't have to come up with bizarre reasons to dodge being touched.  I had already considered "leprosy from an armadillo bite" and "mail order ebola that accidentally got shipped to me instead of my terrorist next door neighbors."  They probably would have just gotten hazmat suits for everyone and upped the "up highs" to boost my morale.

ANIMAL HIGH FIVE CHALLENGE! 

The best ones will be posted later this week with a link to your blog. Draw them up and send them to my email (cheeseblarg at live dot com). You have until Wednesday, 11:59pm my time.

 p.s. Your drawings don't have to be drawings if you'd like to work in another medium, but it has to be self made.

                                     

I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Humor Blogs.

Grammar Guide: That vs. Which

I'm back with more helpfulness, this time in the form of a grammar lesson.  I have been helping a friend edit content lately and it seems many people think that the word THAT is freely interchangeable with the word WHICH, which it surely is not. Of course, I am not a grammar expert, so don't give me shit on my grammar, thanks, but this visual might help someone (when writing NOT a humor blarg) where their grammar and diction need to be spot on.

Note that clauses that contain "which" are almost always set of by commas, whereas clauses that contain "that" are not.

For more technical information on why this is so, see this great explanation by Grammar Girl

Farmville Finishing School

Many people keep in touch with their friends and family via Facebook, and it is a great way to keep up. I adore Facebook; all my favorite people are there. But, every once in a while there arises a problem. Many of the friends and family members who we are glad to keep in touch with on Facebook also love playing social media games (read: Farmville) and, unfortunately, a few of them get a little over-excited and behave badly when it comes to common gaming courtesy. These are not things they would do face-to-face, of course, some of them even taught you the manners they are ignoring, but on the tubes, they sometimes need a little nudge in the courteous direction.

*shoves ever so gently*

Remember, this is for people who LIKE playing games. If you don’t ‘cause you’re really cool and have an actual social life/job, don’t take it out on the rest of us game dorks. Surely you figured out long ago how to block apps, but the following should still amuse.





Like it or leave it:
"Like" is a very handy feature for game playing on Facebook. It allows you to give a nod to the poster when you've taken something they've posted. It is like tipping your hat and saying thanks. It's like thank you notes your mom made you write for terrible things you got as presents growing up because it let the person who gifted it know you received it and that you were taught manners. If you don't acknowledge the gift-givers, they get annoyed...and then you don't receive any more black sweatshirts with glitter, and musical notes, and rhinestones, because you were in the orchestra and clearly, glitter and puff paint is your style. You write that thank you note even though wearing that sweatshirt, in south Florida where it doesn't even get cold, got you made fun of your entire 7th grade year and you have nightmares about it still...
But these are actually things you want, you are actively clicking them.
So make a point to “like” things when you take them, otherwise you are just a common snatcher... a common snatcher with bad manners.

Breakin’ 2- Electric Boogaloo:
When someone is sick/on vacation/mourning the death of a loved one and makes a point of announcing it on their status, unless they are sending you requests, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Get your watering cans/valentines/wooden boards somewhere else. Coming back to 332 requests after being in the hospital for a week in traction as a result of a terrible skiing accident just adds insult to injury. You might as well just post on their wall, “I didn’t care enough to notice that you were away… it probably wasn‘t very important anyway. Can I have a pixilated sheep?”

I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike :
Don't take everything someone posts. “But there are so many gold nuggets, I just can't help myself!” Help yourself, stop at 6. Sniping is bad. People don’t like snipers. That’s why they stick them in those towers alone. It’s not for the head shots, it is because they’re uncool.

I heard she’s been givin’ it up to all them graffiti guys:
Avoid allowing a game to post things on your friends' walls unless there is a damned good reason for it (or unless they have expressed that it is okay). When you post something one someone’s wall, they get notification, often an email. Then they get all excited that they have some love from a friend on their wall when they really needed it because they were having a really hard afternoon and all they needed was a kind gesture, and there it is… only it’s not love, it is a stupid post telling them that you found some fuel on their make-believe farm and that you have nothing nice to say to them at all. It’s a let-down.
I propose that all wall posts from games should be accompanied by a note reminding the recipient of what you like about them. That way, if you are crapping up their personal wall with your pig slop (does anyone ever want pig slop?!) at least when they see it is just a stupid game request, they can have an uplifting experience, instead of just annoyance.

Sham-a-lama-ding-dong:
You’re smart enough to know when it is a scam. Really? 100 unicorns for your farm by clicking HERE! No... and you'll probably need to change your password, too.

Something’s got to give:
Again, unless you have discussed it with someone beforehand, multiple gifts (6 or more a day) are obnoxious, really, even if you need them and are sending them so they can send it back. If you figure each person is sending 3 or more gift, times the amount of people you had to add to get a 26x26 farm, that is way too many freaking requests a day. And that is just one game. Most people play several.

The corollary of which is... If someone posts that they finished a collection, or mission, or that they are avoiding it all together, don't send them those objects. Request them, sure, but don't send them.

Yes, I am saying that you should actually make an effort to know what is going on with your friend's games (yes, your friends... people who you would like not to hate you). Take a minute to research. If worse comes to worse, just add random people whose friendship doesn't matter to you and annoy the crap out of them. Who cares if internet strangers think you’re a jerk!

Thanks to Rhea, Seja, and Gemma, for helping me with various aspects of this post!

Be My Valentine Contest (details inside)

My husband is terrible at gift-giving holidays. He is very sweet and loves me more than I ever thought a boy would, is glad to give me money to buy things for myself when we have some (though I have issues with buying things for myself, though that is another post all together), is happy to take me out to dinner on Valentine's day (if I plan it),  but has anxiety about buying presents, so I have a tradition of making my friends my Valentines. It is a win/win/win, the pressure is taken off of him, I get the attention and presents I want, and my Valentine-challenged friends have someone to dote on them.

And since you guys listen to me be silly, and even encourage me with comments, you can be brought into the fold of my super fantastic Valentine's extravaganza!

If you are chosen as my Valentine, you get the following:

A bouquet of paper forget-me-nots, a hand painted ACEO (2.5"x3.5" mini-painting) of a love-lorn llama, and a love-struck llama pendant.
Plus an assortment of candy and a handmade Valentine from me.

Details after the jump!

Troubling Turkey Trends

For some reason, I am completely scandalized at the growing trend I am seeing of people celebrating Thanksgiving early.  I've no idea why it should matter to me, but damn it, Thanksgiving is on THURSDAY!  How dare these people make a completely arbitrary holiday fit their schedule!?

Inconveniencing people is one of the greatest parts of the holidays!

For instance, last year, I wouldn't allow anyone to eat unless they drew a suitable "hand turkey" first.

Pet Peeves- Part One

This post is about my pet peeves. I was hoping the title might give that away, but just in case, that is what this is about, pet peeves. Llamas will be playing the part of me in pictures today, because I really like drawing llamas.

Pet Peeve #1 - Things in Chairs:

I was raised in a household where horizontal surfaces were for things.  There was rarely a horizontal surface on which there was not something, or a lot of things, precariously balanced.  It wasn't exactly messy, but it was certainly cluttered.
I still have way too many things and while you can actually see the surface of many of my horizontally-surfaced furniture pieces, the rule is absolutely NO STORING THINGS ON CHAIRS!  Chairs are for people, not things!
Honestly, this is mostly because I don't like cleaning and I don't want to have to stop and move things/put things away when I want to plop down, and though I am not above shoving things on to the floor when I really need to sit down, I ultimately feel guilty about doing so.

Pet Peeve #2- Shower Caddys:

The shower caddy is one of the worst household inventions ever created in my estimation. While I understand that some people find them exceptionally handy, I find them to be an evil contraption of potential energy and fear.

It has never been a matter, with me, of whether or not something would fall off the caddy and smash my feet or scare the crap outta me, but when... because when I have had to endure them in my life (and shower) there has not been a single shower I have taken without something plunging towards my ankles with malicious glee.

Usually, I am sudsing up my hair, eyes closed to avoid getting shampoo in 'em, and CRASH, BANG BOOM! The damned thing has shifted because I accidentally jostled it with my flailing elbow and now I have to say bad words and curse the person who thought putting heavy bottles on a platform high up in your shower was a good idea.

Pet Peeve #3- Damn vs. Damned:

Seriously, this one has almost broken up a relationship.  I'm a word nerd.  I used to read dictionaries for entertainment as a child and I value preciseness in language. I am much more tolerant of other grammar flubs, don't mind bad spelling as long as I can work out the meaning, don't mind prepositions at the end of sentences, but words, I think, should make sense when you use them, and the meaning of damn is not the same as damned. Damned is an adjective, and an adverb-- Damn is a verb.  So, "that damned shower caddy" makes sense because all shower caddies should be damned while "that damn shower caddy" doesn't.  Of course, "Damn that shower caddy!" would work just fine.
But because people use it all the time, it is considered acceptable according to Merriam-Webster, and according to linguistics, the -ed was dropped from many words where two consonants come together because it is difficult for people to pronounce when speaking quickly (for example, ice cream used to be iced cream) so I have ceased writing people off for not using the original, but you will notice, that I make the choice to always write it "damned" when it might well be spoken "damn."

To be continued. . .