Don't Be That Atheist.

Do you have that one friend? The one who, no matter what you say, absolutely has to correct you based on his or her belief? I think you know the type. The BAD ATHEIST?

Although I count as an atheistic Jew myself, I regularly make reference to God. Whether it is repeated OMG! OMG! OMG! (like when Conan O'Brien said my name), or comically shaking my fists at the sky in frustration, though I choose not to worship any god that may or may not exist, I am fine with colloquial references, because, Jesus Christ, I live in America and God is all up in this bitch.

I do not count as the Bad Atheist, though, because while I may be thinking, "Yeah, Jesus is totally not going to make you pass your physics tests that you prayed about instead of studying for," I am not going to say it out loud to you because, I don't give a shit what other people believe as long as they aren't jerks. I also don't really care if you pass that test... especially if you didn't bother to study.

To me, mentioning God is akin to talking about how awesome unicorns are, and drawing everything as zombies. Yes, I friggen know they are most likely just a figment of our imaginations, but tons of people dig them, so their existence in reality is not an issue to me.

The Bad Atheist, however, is that jerk who compulsively has to pipe in:

Cheeseblarg's Anti-Upskirt Undies!

I came up with the perfect solution to Massachusetts' "Upskirt" problem.

Cheeseblarg's Anti-upskirt Undies feature a copyrighted image on the crotch of your panties and comes in
many different designs. Anytime these images are uploaded to the internet, Cheeseblarg will sue the upskirt uploader on your behalf to keep your undies off the internet!

* Two Can Play At This Game can be fitted in a tiny spy cam to see who is spying on your stuff.

If your government won't protect your undies from perverts, Cheeseblarg will protect them from copyright violations!

Blech.

I am trying to write this post while sounding more funny than bitter, but I have to confess that I have been in a giant buttload of pain for the past couple days, and my pain meds aren't working, and I kinda want to fall into unconsciousness and only awaken when my body decides to stop being such a dickface. Today, however, is not the day that my body is going to be doing that, it seems.

So these are things that I have thought would make me feel better, since narcotics aren't working. If you can arrange any of these, and they do make me feel better, you will rule the entire internet. 

Cuddling with goats:

Obscene amounts of bacon:

Cheese and dough is a bonus!

A unicorn reading to me:

Or a winning lottery ticket, which probably won't take away my pain, but certainly could buy me things that would make being in pain much more bearable, like a Bacon Butler™, and a private swimming pool with a mermaid masseuse, and a pegacorn jumbo jet. 

To My Doctor...

So... okay, my colonoscopy was awful, and it was an anomaly*, I know, because I have a super liver (still) that filters medications out of my body at high speeds, so uh, I may have traumatized some people.

They also might not have taken me completely seriously when I told them that I ALWAYS wake up during the procedure. So, I woke up during the procedure...

And I feel it necessary, now, to make this card for my doctor because I am going to have to continue to see him, and I am fairly embarrassed that in my semi-unconscious state I couldn't stop myself my screaming like a crazed weasel and crying hysterically, like someone had just been cutting chunks out of my intestines while filling them full of air.

All I really know about my doctor is that he REALLY likes working out. And he seems not to be a serial killer, so I can safely assume that he likes kittens and rainbows and unicorns and mini Godzilla.

So, yeah. Sorry 'bout that.



*Please don't let this scare you off from getting life-saving diagnostic tests. Most people don't have this problem, and a few minutes of screaming while they run off to get you more meds is worth making sure your guts are okay, believe me. This is my fifth and it won't be my last, no matter how many times it traumatizes me.

Pee Post

This pee post is nothing like the pudding post. For the record.

I want to know and understand the mechanism that makes me nearly pee on the bathroom floor every time I turn on the shower.  Theories are that it is operant conditioning, like Pavlov's dogs, but I have to wonder if it is the same mechanism that makes me dream of bathrooms to discourage me wetting the bed.
Am I the only one that has this? I have polled my friends in the past and it seems that  for the most part, men don't dream of bathrooms though some women do, I guess because guys have a built-in physical pee deterrent (morning wood, I mean... that is its purpose, no?).

But if you have no idea what I am talking about, here is a repeating feature of my dreams, nightly:

Crazy things happen.
Find a unicorn crafted from green banana peels.*
Kill a zombie cat who is actually one of my friends.*
Oh wait, I have to pee.
Hrm, is there a bathroom anywhere?
Oh, look, here is one, and then my brain presents me with a way to relieve myself, but there is always a hitch...

(click to biggify)

And so every night, I am treated to a new and novel variation (or four) of "trick bathrooms" to wake me up to go pee.


*I would like to reveal that these are both actual dreams that I had this week.

These are a few more of my favorite things!

I received this award from Mollie at OK in UK a bit ago (check another off my list of goals, though, I am glad to accept many more... many more... who would like to be my award coordinator intern?)

And it was supposed to come with the caveat of listing 10 of your favorite things, but that was waved for me since I am clearly too famous and important to play by the rules (which is not at all true, but I am a bit of a bastard and the point is, I was planning on doing these anyway, and it was convenient, though it took me a couple weeks to motivate myself to actually do my illustrations... otherwise, I may have taken the out and looked like the jerk I really am... which you now know I am from reading this... shit.).

So, my 10 favorite things in the following categories:


Food:

Bacon

Color:

The color of your eyelids when you close you eyes and turn your face to the sun on a warm day.

Sound:

A tie between

Get sound effects & royalty free music at AudioMicro.

The sound of a ratchet

and 

The call of a mourning dove

Smell:

Dank Mud *scratch and sniff* 

(I kid, leave your poor monitor alone!)

Cleaning Product:

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser- still...

80's Cartoon about underwater creatures:

The Snorks

Flavor of Pudding:

Butterscotch... mmmm.

Letter to write in cursive:

That's an L.

Kind of cheese (suggested by Bonnie at the FB fanpage):

Gouda... or Butterkase, which is really plain looking and not very fun to draw.

And finally, my favorite video game:

Na na na na na na na na na na, Katamari Damacy!

And... If you wanted to answer your favorites in these categories (with illustrations) on your blog, I will happily come and look at them if you direct me to the post! 

Thanks again, Mollie... and I look forward to working with you voluntary unpaid award coordinator, whoever you might be! 

Ess You Cee Cee Ee Ess Ess

You can have frolicking llama stationery, too. It is at my zazzle store! 

Picture pages, pictures pages, time to get your picture pages...

Aww, you guys! There are over 700 of you who actually allow yourselves to be seen in public with me now! Thank you! Without you, I would just be pathetically drawing silly pictures and writing to myself.

Here is your prize for coming on board the Cheeseblarg train. Wait, train? Wagon? No, no, this is a modern type of blarg, let's go with monorail. Yes, monorail of cheesedom.
Sorry, I'm tired, my smoke alarm went off at 4 am for no reason and I had taken a benadryl, and now I am awake this early for no reason, so... more rambly than usual.

Ah, yes, your prize.  Coloring pages! Everyone loves coloring pages, and you have 3 to choose from.  You can either post links to your colored pictures here (please make clickable links using "a href" html) or upload them over on the Facebook fan page (where I am actually much more likely to respond to people personally because the format is easier than here).  I may post some of the best/most amusing ones. Just click on the pictures below then right click to save, so that you can color them on your computer, or print them out to color by hand.

Happy coloring!

Llamapocalypse                                            Whale Wonderland                                     Unicorn Carpools

Farmville Finishing School

Many people keep in touch with their friends and family via Facebook, and it is a great way to keep up. I adore Facebook; all my favorite people are there. But, every once in a while there arises a problem. Many of the friends and family members who we are glad to keep in touch with on Facebook also love playing social media games (read: Farmville) and, unfortunately, a few of them get a little over-excited and behave badly when it comes to common gaming courtesy. These are not things they would do face-to-face, of course, some of them even taught you the manners they are ignoring, but on the tubes, they sometimes need a little nudge in the courteous direction.

*shoves ever so gently*

Remember, this is for people who LIKE playing games. If you don’t ‘cause you’re really cool and have an actual social life/job, don’t take it out on the rest of us game dorks. Surely you figured out long ago how to block apps, but the following should still amuse.





Like it or leave it:
"Like" is a very handy feature for game playing on Facebook. It allows you to give a nod to the poster when you've taken something they've posted. It is like tipping your hat and saying thanks. It's like thank you notes your mom made you write for terrible things you got as presents growing up because it let the person who gifted it know you received it and that you were taught manners. If you don't acknowledge the gift-givers, they get annoyed...and then you don't receive any more black sweatshirts with glitter, and musical notes, and rhinestones, because you were in the orchestra and clearly, glitter and puff paint is your style. You write that thank you note even though wearing that sweatshirt, in south Florida where it doesn't even get cold, got you made fun of your entire 7th grade year and you have nightmares about it still...
But these are actually things you want, you are actively clicking them.
So make a point to “like” things when you take them, otherwise you are just a common snatcher... a common snatcher with bad manners.

Breakin’ 2- Electric Boogaloo:
When someone is sick/on vacation/mourning the death of a loved one and makes a point of announcing it on their status, unless they are sending you requests, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Get your watering cans/valentines/wooden boards somewhere else. Coming back to 332 requests after being in the hospital for a week in traction as a result of a terrible skiing accident just adds insult to injury. You might as well just post on their wall, “I didn’t care enough to notice that you were away… it probably wasn‘t very important anyway. Can I have a pixilated sheep?”

I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike :
Don't take everything someone posts. “But there are so many gold nuggets, I just can't help myself!” Help yourself, stop at 6. Sniping is bad. People don’t like snipers. That’s why they stick them in those towers alone. It’s not for the head shots, it is because they’re uncool.

I heard she’s been givin’ it up to all them graffiti guys:
Avoid allowing a game to post things on your friends' walls unless there is a damned good reason for it (or unless they have expressed that it is okay). When you post something one someone’s wall, they get notification, often an email. Then they get all excited that they have some love from a friend on their wall when they really needed it because they were having a really hard afternoon and all they needed was a kind gesture, and there it is… only it’s not love, it is a stupid post telling them that you found some fuel on their make-believe farm and that you have nothing nice to say to them at all. It’s a let-down.
I propose that all wall posts from games should be accompanied by a note reminding the recipient of what you like about them. That way, if you are crapping up their personal wall with your pig slop (does anyone ever want pig slop?!) at least when they see it is just a stupid game request, they can have an uplifting experience, instead of just annoyance.

Sham-a-lama-ding-dong:
You’re smart enough to know when it is a scam. Really? 100 unicorns for your farm by clicking HERE! No... and you'll probably need to change your password, too.

Something’s got to give:
Again, unless you have discussed it with someone beforehand, multiple gifts (6 or more a day) are obnoxious, really, even if you need them and are sending them so they can send it back. If you figure each person is sending 3 or more gift, times the amount of people you had to add to get a 26x26 farm, that is way too many freaking requests a day. And that is just one game. Most people play several.

The corollary of which is... If someone posts that they finished a collection, or mission, or that they are avoiding it all together, don't send them those objects. Request them, sure, but don't send them.

Yes, I am saying that you should actually make an effort to know what is going on with your friend's games (yes, your friends... people who you would like not to hate you). Take a minute to research. If worse comes to worse, just add random people whose friendship doesn't matter to you and annoy the crap out of them. Who cares if internet strangers think you’re a jerk!

Thanks to Rhea, Seja, and Gemma, for helping me with various aspects of this post!

Sparkle Airlines

Thank you, to all of you who comment on and share my blarg posts. It means a whole lot to me... more than seems reasonable, actually.  For real, it makes my day... which is pretty special because I spend my day doing awesome things all the time.
Someday, when I am super famous and have my own jumbo jet, I'll remember you and let you come look at it, or maybe even take a ride in it if you have racked up enough  stalker fan points.

Texx with Two Xs

I saw some amazing driving today.

See, it is tax time, which means that expensive automotive death is bound to happen in my life, and this time it was my husband, in the station wagon,with the fuel pump.  Last year it was Eunice, with the timing belt, on the interstate... 50 miles from home.

But the fact that cars don't like me to have money is neither here nor there.  What IS is that I think our amazing tow truck driver, Texx with two Xs (and a fancy hat that you likely won't see outside of Montana), either has some sort of magical power, or clearly is some sort of creature with the ability to see out of the back of his head, because the feat of backing up I just saw-- around corners and perfectly into a parking spot, and THEN into a mechanic's garage port that had about 12 inches leeway on each side, with about 30 feet of truck and car in total, was bordering on mythical. I think he might actually be hiding a horn under his hat.

These are a few of my favorite things... A.K.A. It's better than nothing!

I've managed to contract half of a flu, which is to say, I'm not going to a doctor to pay to be told I have "virus syndrome" but I feel like I've been hit by a moving vehicle, for no discernible reason, because I feel fine otherwise, just... beaten and bruised, though I am actually neither of those things.

TL;DR- I feel like crap.

So instead of drawing anything, I am sharing things that have brought me grand amounts of joy lately:

Amanda Palmer:

Actually, the whole album makes me all kinds of happy, and only costs a minimum of 69¢ (That is, you can pay more if you like, which I did). You can listen to it all here before buying it! Or just listen to it there and not buy it... some of the lyrics are NSFW, btw.


This post from JerBear Shares:

I'm a Car Genius, FYI!

Seriously, I'm fairly certain she is gonna start being afraid of me soon, because my love for her is so strong that I am now writing about it in my blarg and it's beginning to seem creepy even to me, but she's freakin' funny!

Unicornomics on Twitter:

The funniest part about them is reading their replies to other people.  They also did a great post about Sparkles' babies.

Tiffany and her cakes, which she loves:

Tiffany Loves Cake!

She is a teaching herself the art of cake and I love what she does.  The insides are so cool, too, in fact, a picture of her 7 layer rainbow cake was what endeared me to her, and her tattoos. Don't miss her exclusive  post on the Santa Claw either!

And lastly, stickers, puffy weird stickers. I found some with narwhals and other lesser celebrated sea creatures, and some with lovey Australian animals recently.  Not much that is cuter than kissing duck-billed platypi (which would actually be correctly pluralized as platypodes, but damn it... PLATYPI!).


So yeah, sorry for no art, but feel free to draw me some strange animal hybrids or make me "Get Well" bouquets of bacon to speed my recovery!

Phoenix, You ARE the Father!

There has been a bit of discussion in the comments of my previous post of as to what Sparkles' offspring would look like, after the assertion that boy unicorns MAY NOT exist and that the Phoenix may in fact be the father.
I have rendered a few of the options mentioned, though the favorite that I imagined was a penguin (Phoenix+Unicorn=Unix?).

Of the bunch I drew, the one perched in the grapefruit tree whom I have dubbed "Sprinkles" is my fave!

Sparkles is Pregnant??

This is actually in response to the following post from Jen Yates of Cakewrecks and EPBOT

http://www.epbot.com/2011/01/how-we-amuse-ourselves.html - wherein she and her husband describe the wildlife in their background.  I felt it needed illustration:

Edit- There has been some discussion on what Sparkles' offspring should look like in the comments- now illustrated here.