Ornament-O-Rama Dino Ball Winner!

It was cold. That is my excuse for this being late. Today our temps are finally in positive numbers. Not double digit, mind you, but at least not negative.

During this weather, I managed to cut my finger on water (damn you, ice!), and I got my first nosebleed ever while sitting in my car (that wouldn't start without the assistance of a jump because it was so cold). It looked kinda like that scene from Pulp Fiction.

 I may be exaggerating a little; I blame that on the cold, too.


And now the winner of the dinoball ornament:

So li'l Muppet-lhead, please email me your address and when I am willing to leave the house, I'll send Dino Ball to you!

Stabby!

You guys! I've found THE perfect craft for me!

If you've been paying attention thus far, you might have noted that my two go-to emotional responses to negative things are stabbing or setting on fire. Some people are face-punchers, some people are poop-flingers, I am a stabber, and/or fire-starter.

Not that I have actually ever stabbed or set anything on fire (that wasn't supposed to be on fire)... but when I am JROSE SMASH angry, the first thing that comes to my mind is stabbing and/or igniting things into a fiery blaze.

So yesterday, seeing as I am on my yearly birthday trip to a city that is actually near things (things being places that everyone else in the non-rural country has access to regularly), I went to Michael's craft explosion store, and I bought a Needle Felting Kit.

Some of you know what needle felting is (because you are awesome, and presumably a crafter), but for those who don't know, it is a craft wherein you take gobs of wool and then stab them repeatedly with a really sharp barbed needle until said wool turns into a thick felt lump of whatever it is you are trying to make.

See artist's rendering below:

I was making a penguin, because it is going towards the Ornament-o-Rama project, and because penguins are pretty freaking awesome and cute. I should probably get some sort of protection when felting to avoid looking like my fingers are heroin addicts, but I am totally enamored with this new kind of art! Now I just need to find a craft where I set things on fire and yell at them!





And here is Sir Wooly Waddlesworth the 3rd, my new penguin friend (as named by my friend Kimberly C.), with an important announcement about the Cheeseblarg Takes Paris contest:

So Naomi, send me an email with your address and I will send a package out to you in the next couple weeks!

My Bad Summer of Eating Date with @Bing and @Klout

I took my husband out on a date today because I tried to take him on a date yesterday only to find the restaurant we wanted to go to didn't open at normal hours on Sunday, and now that my husband is working again, we can only do things on Sundays and Mondays because those are his days off.

I also took him out because I got a perk from Klout.com and Bing.com (because I am super popular), where I was given a wine set and a $10 Visa giftcard to celebrate their Summer of Eating promotion.
I even told our awesome waitron why we were there and she wrote down Klout.com in her order taking thingy, because she likes free things as much as everyone else likes free things, and as much as I like free things, which is an awesome reason to sign up for Klout.com-- because I have gotten quite a few great free things from them.

Only, when it came time to pay, I pulled out my super duper Visa giftcard, and IT DIDN'T FREAKING WORK.

It was like  one of those moments when you go on a date with some guy who picked you up on the internet and then after you have eaten delicious food that you THOUGHT he was gonna pay for, he is all, "Oh, sorry, I guess my card isn't working..." and you're all "FINE, the waitron has swiped your card three times and you need to know that I am SO NOT PUTTING OUT NOW, but fucking fuck, I'll pay for it. Asshole!"

That's how Klout/Bing made me feel.  They were the bad date that screws you over and makes you pay for the food they promised you, because THEY sure as hell aren't going to wash dishes to pay for this meal. Not that I would really expect them to, because websites and water don't really mix, but yeah, I was pretty damned disappointed.

That doesn't mean that I won't get free stuff from them again if its available, and that I didn't appreciate what they were TRYING to give me.  It was exciting to get such a cool perk.  And hey, I have this awesome wine set (though I don't drink wine, or anything I could use a wine set with). I'm sure I can find a use for it and as always, suggestions are welcome and illustrations are worth extra points.

It totally looks like a fancy murdering kit to me, but my parents bought me an Infamous Murderers book for Hanukkah when I was a teenager, so that probably explains that line of thought.


I just wish that after touting how awesome Klout and Bing were on twitter and in the restaurant, the friggen card worked so I didn't look like one of those girls...



And I think this kinda goes without saying, because of the content of this "review" but:

Influencer disclosure

I was given a free product or sample because I'm a Klout influencer. I was under no obligation to receive the sample or talk about this company. I get no additional benefits for talking about the product or company.

Cheeseblarg Peeps Challenge Winner- Peep Hunt by Rhea

We have a winner for the 2nd Annual Cheeseblarg Peeps Challenge!

Of it, Dr. Pants said: "Rhea not only succeeded in creating a faithful artistic rendering of an 8-bit classic, but actually succeeded in showing us how the game could have been BETTER. I mean, who wouldn't want to make little marshmallow chicks explode on screen?? Brilliant!!"

Rhea put a lot of work into her piece and quite deserved her win. If you'll remember, she was also the winner last year. Will anyone be able to take her down next year!?

I give you PEEP HUNT by Rhea Blackthorne

Please congratulate Rhea here, and check out her blog that shows some fantastic progress pictures of her diorama.

Remember, next year's theme is: Cartoons. Be prepared!

One-Uppers and Grief Shamers

While writing my post about Suffering Magnets, I came to the realization that I may be a One-Upper.

You know, those people who tell you something of equal or greater horror when you tell them something bad that happened to you?


I don't mean to be a One-Upper, it is just that people tell me something has happened to them and then, in an effort to relate, I tell a story about something similar that has happened to me, which usually tends to be a bit more terrible because, as we have established, things are always bafflingly fucked up in my life. So I hear the words just flowing out of my head and I think, 'SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP. They think you are playing the Grief Olympics.. they think you are an asshole, just shut the hell up'... but OMG it just feels so good to share grief, to remove it from your stupid jerk head and let it out into the world like a little grief dragon, to let it stretch and spread its wings after keeping it cooped up in your belfry of a brain ALL THE TIME.

I'd like to quietly listen and say, "Oh jeepers! That is just so awful, you poor person, what can I do?" but it is rarely what ends up happening. Even though I try... really really hard.

 But in no way am I trying to be a Grief Shamer.

Grief Shamers are the type of people who won't let you have a second of complaining without reminding you that no matter what you are are upset about, other people have it 7 billion times worse so you should just STFU and be glad your grandpa was eaten by a tiger because your ENTIRE FAMILY could have been eaten by A STREAK OF TIGERS EQUIPPED WITH LASERS!

I don't even believe in shaming "First World Problems."  I think sharing suffering make it suck less and there is no shame in that. So, if people wanna complain to me about Bravo's Twitter team spoiling the winner of Top Chef for every time zone other than Eastern, like a bunch of assholes, or finding that their bag of chips is lacking in delicious powdered flavor, I have no problem with that. I just have a problem if you don't want to hear about the time my Chili Cheese Fritos were kinda flavorless, too, and were full of bees that stung my throat and I had to go to the emergency room, but I couldn't get in because it was full of wolves... with lasers.

HIGH FIVE, GUYS!

I got some awesome and funny high five pictures and as promised, we have the best of them (they were all great damn it, but I can't have fair contests if I am gonna choose everyone as the winners, though you are all totally winners in my mind for even bothering to send stuff in, and it being funny and/or cute). All the entries can be found (with links where available) over the facebook Cheeseblarg page.

I have come to realize I am wrong, though.  There are certain people I would high five. Or certain person. NPH. But beyond him, I don't know who else. Neal Patrick Harris is just utterly high fivable.

And before we get to the winner, I did one more animal high five of my own, for many reasons, which you are welcome to guess.

And now onto the winners!

From Stephanie at "Clay Baboons"- she actually sent several entries that were very hard to choose from and featured animal high fives on her blog and she makes me laugh. A lot.

Tonya at "Where Have All The Hobos Gone" won me over with her "Altos Cinco!"

High Fortying made me actually laugh aloud. Thanks Haley, from "Haley's Comic."

and as an honorable mention for being topical:

Mollie of "OK in UK"

Please do stop over at da Cheeseblarg on facebook and check out the other entries.  All of the participants deserve positive attention for their cute and funny pieces!

Regrouping and Floor Cleaning

Fuck this moping shit. This needs to be the year of the JRose. I mean, last year I also declared it the year of the JRose (actually it was the "year of winning" but then Charlie Sheen had to go and implode and take my phrase and then I felt weird using it, but damn it, you get the idea), and in reality, for all the other crap, it was pretty much, indeed, a year of winning.  My campaign of terror on @blogger over at twitter, plus my sheer awesomeness, won me Blog of Note, allowing me to meet so many of you Cheeseblargians, which is fairly coincidental that you should already be called Cheeseblargians and then you should follow a site called "da Cheeseblarg."

I also um... I... won .. um... hrm.. I got my art published in a cookbook (Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen: Cookin' for Trouble) that I don't have a copy of so it may not actually be in there, so I am just going to assume it is because I signed a waiver saying it could be.  AND someone contacted me wanting to use a bad painting I did of David Hasselhoff in panties for the green room of some show he was going to be on to make him uncomfortable, though I never actually heard back from them...

The really bad painting in question. It's awful. I should have painted the one with the Shar Pei puppies.

 and then Conan O'Brien had my Coco Llama in his gallery AND talked about it after saying my name and another campaign of terror got me to NYC because I was in an art show in NYC and needed to see it in person, which was a life-long goal realized. Plus, I made a bunch of kick ass art. So this year, instead of bitching about bitchy shit, I just need to be winning-er. Being super win-y will make my shit crap health issues suck less by comparison. Especially if I become not poor while winning.

So let's start with the Shorty Awards under the category of blogging, because they didn't have a category for blarging, and I am nothing if not flexible.
Just scoot on over to this link (I imagine you should have a twitter account but why not try anyway) [link redacted] and tell them why I am the best blarger that ever lived (I stress "blarger."  I'm the only one, right? Or the original, at least? It should be easy to say I am the best without feeling like you are lying).

Then I seriously need to get this friggen celebrity endorsement, even if I need to become a celebrity myself and then do my own endorsement. It doesn't work that way does it? Well, I'll figure it out.


Point is, if I want my life to not be ruled by sucky aspects, I am gonna have to take it by the flappy bits and and shake it and say "HEY LIFE, STOP SUCKING. Health is not the only thing around. There's also internet awards, and celebrities who may someday pay attention to you, and  Bacon Jerky. And there are readers who give a shit and will be okay if you can't draw all the time, and frosting, and THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" At which point I imagine people will just stare at me and crickets will chirp, because UHF is a highly underrated movie.

Winner, winner llama dinner.

I was quite pleased with the turnout on our first Scavenger Hunt, in that there was actually a turnout, and there were more than six entries.

Our top three winners, who actually left their houses to find all the items and/or interacted with other humans:


Ten Blue Stars
Kim (who inspired the hunt to begin with!)
Niamh

Lady-people, please send your mailing address to cheeseblarg at live dot com and I will get that envelope of happiness out to you by the end of the week.

And the next three, who had a mix of googling and human interaction are:


Sarah
Ms. MM
Bonnie

I loved your creative pictures and senses of humor in fulfilling my list. Thank you! Here are your personalized badges!

And to all the other people who have turned in their hunt finds, and who are still working on it, here is your badge.  It is on the honor system, but I will totally be mean to you if I find that you are using it without having  joined the llama games.

Please, go look at everyone's hunt results. They all did a great job.

As far as future scavenger hunts, I was thinking a Halloween Hunt might be lots of fun-- that is, that has to be done ON Halloween.  What do you think?

Golden Narwhal Award- Alan

It is time for the first ever "Golden Narwhal Award" which goes out to readers with outstanding wit and comments that make me laugh in an audible manner or regularly make my day better.

The first recipient (of many to come because you guys are awesome) is Alan @ It's Not Work, It's Gardening!

Some of his greatest hits are:

". . . I don't think there are nearly as many superpower-inducing drinks around as comics have led me to believe, so you're probably out of luck there... although it would be awesome if it were a glass of medical nanobots left by a time-traveling future version of yourself, or maybe one of your descendants. They know your medical condition as well as your penchant for counter beverages, and have provided you with a cure for all that ails you."

"I think your problem with that recipe [twinkie wiener sandwich] was you were thinking of the wrong meal --  use a breakfast sausage link instead of a hot dog, and maple syrup instead of
 the cheese, and eat it for breakfast. (You might need to use 2 links because
 they're small). I just invented this. You're welcome."

"If the texts continue, your reply needs to be:
"Dude, stop texting -- she'll find out! Then what will we do? You are my life."
or something similar."

"If I were a Dementor I'd be really conflicted. "Argh, a Patronus, must flee! Oooh, it's a wiener dog, must cuddle... Flee... Cuddle... Flee... Cuddle..."

Thank you Alan, for your comments and for your continued support of the Cheeseblarg! You rock!



And thank you to Goldfish  and Tracey for these awesome pieces of fan art!

Me on a narwhal jumping over a cheese moon!

I Double Dare Ya!

As a kid, I was obsessed with Double Dare, and when I say “as a kid,” I mean,  I was in high school and was WAY too old  to be interested in the show. In particular, it was Family Double Dare that caught my interest, because I figured, if I were able to get on the show, somehow, my family would  be sure to be the biggest winners of all time.

Well, no, not actually.  As long as we never had to do a physical challenge where my mom and I were involved, we would have been the biggest winners of all time.

If you are unaware of the format of the game show “Double Dare” it worked thusly:

You were asked general trivia questions and you could either answer if you knew it, OR if you thought the other family were a bunch of morons, you could DARE them to answer the question, and then of course, they wouldn’t know because they were knuckle-dragging idiots, and they would DOUBLE DARE you back and then you would get four times as much money for knowing the correct answer.

If for some reason, someone in your family didn’t know the answer, which pretty much wouldn’t have happened in my family because, between the four of us, we would have known EVERYTHING because we are all trivia GENIUSES, you could take a “physical challenge.”  And that is where it would have totally screwed us.

Both my sister and my dad are sporty types.  My dad grew up in a family full of boys, the smallest of whom was 6 foot tall, and they were all athletes.  Two of my uncles were professional athletes, in fact.  As I have mentioned before, we lived with our grandparents, the makers of this hoard of hulking jocks,  for a year, and my sister was taught to play football by my uncle Mike, the college all-star professional NFL quarterback.  I, on the other hand, had a penchant for crying when injured, or frustrated, or looked at, so I did a lot of jump roping while everyone else practiced valuable physical skills.  The one skill I did manage to foster was catching, probably to avoid being hit in the face with footballs, but that’s about it.
My mom, apparently, was kept in a cage like veal while growing up because while she is smart and funny and a creative cook, she is about as uncoordinated as they come.

So, we could have answered any question, but when it came to “physical challenges,” which included things like flipping rubber pancakes across a stage onto a tray your parent was holding, using a giant spatula,  while blindfolded and then dowsing them in “maple syrup” or filling a bowl with green slime to a certain fullness using only your head that has a bucket strapped to it, before 25 seconds is up,  it mostly likely would have ended with death and destruction.

And then there was the Obstacle Course at the end.  The winning family (read: MINE, obv.) would go through a course of 8 different stations, alternating family members, where you had to collect (and in many cases, find) an orange flag from each in a total of  60 seconds.  And again, my sister and dad would have done great, though at 6’4” my dad might have had some trouble getting through some of the obstacles.  And I might have done okay (I had serious fantasies about the sundae slide, in which I would conquer it with my mouth… though I was sure it was most likely not edible, it LOOKED like a big sundae.  Hell, I would still like to dig through a giant pool-sized sundae in pursuit of an orange flag) but I had my doubts that my mom would have gotten through her share of the obstacles and we never would have won a 13 inch TV or a Panasonic VCR or a Conair Hair Dryer.

My family doing the obstacle course would have been NOTHING like this, at all

And there was also the fact that I was about 5 years too old to be on the show. But otherwise, biggest winners EVER!

Be My Valentine Contest Winner!

Congrats, Kellers! You were chosen as my blargy Valentine! 

Please send me a message with your mailing address!

Thank you to all of those who entered! I loved your poems! You would all make fine Valentines! 

(I love exclamation points!!!!)

For visual proof of random drawing AND a generic version of this adorable llama valentine, to share with your llama of love, make the jump!

Christmas Giveaway Contest Winner!

Thank you for playing.  There may be more of these in the coming months!