2012 Cheesy Wrap Up

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, Cheeseblargians!

I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year, with all of the LOLs and NOMs and UNFs you could hope for. I also wish me the same because I am fairly self-centered.

I come bearing a ton of funny for the end of the year, in the form of  my comic, CRAP! which you should be reading and sharing, though most of you aren't which is a bit discouraging, but today, we reach the crux of what the comic is really about, so maybe that will be the camel straw that makes people actually respond to what I am doing so I am not just drawing this damned thing only to amuse myself (though it really really does amuse me, greatly... because I know what is going to happen). Be a hipster, like it before everyone else does!

Click the previews below to get to the comic page, which, for the unobservant, is also up in the right corner of the new navigation bar (^ that a-way)

Instead of posting them as separate posts, I'm archiving all of them here and on Tumbler, which I am now using, but as you see, I am inserting the E in there, right where it belongs. Future postings should be posted at the bottom of new posts in the same form as above.

Also, my Tard the Grumpy Cat drawing is in the I Can Has Cats t-shirt contest at We Love Fine, and if you wanted to rate that shit, that would be super awesome PLUS helping funny artists is good for your New Year karma, I've been told.

click the picture to go vote!

I also wanted to share this awesome drawing of me (the real me- I actually have a nose) done by reader Milina P. because it is friggen awesome. I love it when you guys draw me, or my characters, or llama narwhal hybrids. <3

Wonder JRose!

And this was sent to me overnight by reader Amanda E. who bought me the cake I desperately wanted that they don't sell in the Northwest. It was delicious, Amanda, thank you! You continue to RULE!  =D

And that's all. It has been a pretty cool year.  I hope next year will hold more posts, comic stories and fun exciting things, including me winning the lottery or somehow becoming independently wealthy so I can take a trip to the Grand Canyon finally, and go back to NYC so I can stalk  my College Humor crush, Emily visit my favorite city ever without getting robbed again, and maybe finally find out what the hell that smell is under Grand Central Station. 

So again, Happy New Year's! I love you guys... and I'm not even drunk!

Cheeseblarg OUT!

See you next year! 

   

From Russia with Love

When I was in college, I took Russian to fulfill my foreign language requirement.  In fact, my college transcripts say that I attended "МГУ" (pronounced "Em- Gay- Oo"), which would stand for Moscow State University.

background source

I did not go to Moscow State University.

I wanted to go to МГУ, but alas, I missed a lot of class and my teacher wouldn't give me the recommendation to be an exchange student, and I graduated as a surprise that semester anyway, which was kind of fine with me because I learned that I had to get an assload of vaccinations and stuff to go, and that was a point in my life where my fear of needles overpowered good sense. Little did I know that many years later, I would be allowing doctors to stick needles in my face.

Anyway, my choice of Russian, instead of a standard foreign language, like Spanish or French, was on account of the book "A Clockwork Orange," and also because the challenge of having to learn  a new alphabet appealed to me. I had tried to teach myself Russian my senior year of high school, but I was reading from a book and it had no pronunciation guide, so I didn't learn much.

Despite having taken about 2 solid years of Russian (over many semesters), while I can still read cyrillic, I can only remember how to say a few phrases/words and none of them are very helpful, unless I ever find myself writing bad Russian airport porn.

Here is the Russian and the phonetics for you, just in case you want to look it up yourself!
здравствуйте - zdravstvuyte - Hello
Извините за беспокойства - Izvinite za bespokoystva - Sorry for the trouble (said when one calls a wrong number)
Какой большой чемодан!  - Kakoy bolʹshoy chemodan!- What a big suitcase!
Да, это очень большой!  - Da, eto ochenʹ bolʹshoy!- Yes, it is very big!
Я хочу твой большой чемодан! - Ya khochu t'voy bol'shoy chemodan!- I want your big suitcase!
четыре! chetyre!

Just as an aside, this porn script has been a running joke since I was in college, when my classmates and I, who had a crush on our teacher, would go to lunch and laugh about having to talk about his BIG suitcase repeatedly.

MY EYEBALLS!!!!!

Oh yeah, because I am going blind from all the floaters in my eyes, and the flashy things. 

I'm still not okay with it.

If they blind me with their eye touching machine, I am going to be angry.

And my drawings will probably not be as pretty as they are now.

New York Secrets Revealed: The Small Print

During my trip to New York, one of my ticky list items was to find a good Indian restaurant and gorge myself on delicious spicy delicacies. Using the power of google and yelp from my sketchy hotel room, I found an Indian place less than a block away from my art show that had a menu with everything I could want on it, well within my limited budget.

When we got there after visiting my show, they had a lunch buffet, but it was like 18 bucks a person, and $54 for the three of us, plus tip, plus tax, plus a stomach that won't fit $18 worth of food was so not going to happen, so we asked to be seated and got menus. After looking at all the tasty 5 dollar appetizers we would share, my mom noticed that at the bottom of the page, in small letters, it stipulated that each person must order $25 worth of food to eat in the dining room, which is where we were seated. That was followed by a horrifying conversation with our clearly displeased waiter where I offered to take our food to go, if needed. "No, fine, just order." So we ordered our food and it was SO delicious, like 'I wanted to lick the plate and then mate with it' delicious. Crispy fried onion fritters, spicy flaky pockets of mashed potato, green peas, and chilies, and chicken pakora, so salty and crunchy, all with tamarind dipping sauce that was sweet and cool and tangy. It was amazing.
And I could feel the hostility each time my water was refilled. Damn me for drinking so much water all the time! I'm the complete opposite of a camel.
And then, sheepishly, I asked our waiter about dessert. I wanted Gulab Jamun, badly.  If you've not had Gulab Jamun and you like syrupy sweet desserts, get your ass to an Indian restaurant, immediately. I don't care if it is not open right now, go wait. These things are little dense balls, not unlike cake donuts with the texture of a  hushpuppy, soaked in a sugar syrup that is heavily laced with cardamom and rosewater, until they cannot hold another drop of syrup, and dear people, they are so very good.

What they are usually not is BOILING MOTHERFUCKING HOT, which is what they were when they were served to me in this lovely restaurant in NY. They were like, passive aggressively hot.  Like every bit of anger that that waiter had at me for wasting his time with a 20 dollar order for three in the heart of Manhattan, times 20, was put on the microwave timer.  To the point that I could feel the searing heat coming off of it before it actually got to my face, which thankfully gave me a warning, or I would have lost all the skin lining the inside of my mouth.  My poor impulse control still contributed to minor burns, but thankfully, I avoided a hospital visit. And still they were delicious. So good. Almost worth the burns, totally worth the story.

Next time I have cause to visit NYC, I will, fer real, be budgeting a bunch of money to get an assortment of their amazing dishes, but I think I will get it to go next time, just in case.

Regrouping and Floor Cleaning

Fuck this moping shit. This needs to be the year of the JRose. I mean, last year I also declared it the year of the JRose (actually it was the "year of winning" but then Charlie Sheen had to go and implode and take my phrase and then I felt weird using it, but damn it, you get the idea), and in reality, for all the other crap, it was pretty much, indeed, a year of winning.  My campaign of terror on @blogger over at twitter, plus my sheer awesomeness, won me Blog of Note, allowing me to meet so many of you Cheeseblargians, which is fairly coincidental that you should already be called Cheeseblargians and then you should follow a site called "da Cheeseblarg."

I also um... I... won .. um... hrm.. I got my art published in a cookbook (Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen: Cookin' for Trouble) that I don't have a copy of so it may not actually be in there, so I am just going to assume it is because I signed a waiver saying it could be.  AND someone contacted me wanting to use a bad painting I did of David Hasselhoff in panties for the green room of some show he was going to be on to make him uncomfortable, though I never actually heard back from them...

The really bad painting in question. It's awful. I should have painted the one with the Shar Pei puppies.

 and then Conan O'Brien had my Coco Llama in his gallery AND talked about it after saying my name and another campaign of terror got me to NYC because I was in an art show in NYC and needed to see it in person, which was a life-long goal realized. Plus, I made a bunch of kick ass art. So this year, instead of bitching about bitchy shit, I just need to be winning-er. Being super win-y will make my shit crap health issues suck less by comparison. Especially if I become not poor while winning.

So let's start with the Shorty Awards under the category of blogging, because they didn't have a category for blarging, and I am nothing if not flexible.
Just scoot on over to this link (I imagine you should have a twitter account but why not try anyway) [link redacted] and tell them why I am the best blarger that ever lived (I stress "blarger."  I'm the only one, right? Or the original, at least? It should be easy to say I am the best without feeling like you are lying).

Then I seriously need to get this friggen celebrity endorsement, even if I need to become a celebrity myself and then do my own endorsement. It doesn't work that way does it? Well, I'll figure it out.


Point is, if I want my life to not be ruled by sucky aspects, I am gonna have to take it by the flappy bits and and shake it and say "HEY LIFE, STOP SUCKING. Health is not the only thing around. There's also internet awards, and celebrities who may someday pay attention to you, and  Bacon Jerky. And there are readers who give a shit and will be okay if you can't draw all the time, and frosting, and THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" At which point I imagine people will just stare at me and crickets will chirp, because UHF is a highly underrated movie.

Grammar Guide: I vs. Me (starring @JasonSegel and @MarthaStewart)

I know that a lot of people have trouble figuring out whether to use "I" or "me" when referring to one's self and someone else.

I am assuming we know it is considered correct (and polite or something) to put the other person first, but here is a trick to figure out if you should use ME or I.

We will employ the skills of the incredibly handsome and talented Jason Segel (who I might just have a GIANT crush on) and the fancy cookie maker, Martha Stewart, for this guide.

So we start out with our statement: "Martha and me want cookies!"

Then we take away Martha so we are all alone with Jason Segel (hubba hubba).

And we repeat the phrase again, without Martha this time.

Clearly, it is not correct, so it would be "Martha and I want cookies."

And it sounds just as weird when you reverse it.

 And yes, yes, I screw up on grammar, I am sure. I am not an English major... I'm an art major, but this should help. Don't give me shit. I am still sore that Jason Segel ditched on the skinny dipping.

Hanukkah 2011- 5th Night- All things that are good.

Last night I got a bacon cheeseball for Hanukkah. It wasn't real bacon at least, but it was a cheeseball, that was wrapped in wrapping paper... It still was better than the gift I gave you guys last night. You were all VERY gracious though.  So gracious, in fact, that I am giving you another AWESOME present. Again, in the form of a video.  Again, fairly weird and inappropriate (aka not kid safe), just like me!

You have to light the candles every nights or you CAN'T have your GIFTS! 

(open the present by clicking on the next line or scrolling, motherlicker)

Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan- Narwhal of Liberty

I've finished another from the Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan series just last night and started on the last planned piece. Here it is. And remember, Cheeseblarg Merchandise makes great Holiday Gifts!

Narwhal of Liberty by cheeseblarg
Posters for sale on Zazzle

Macy's Day Parade Postcards for sale on Etsy
or get one for a bit less, perhaps on ebay.
I have two being auctioned.
(click here to see them)

As a bonus, there is a piece for sale in my Etsy store (that is fairly NSFW) from the time my work was on Regretsy.

Day 29

I don't know.  I've been writing for a month straight, shy of a day.  I've run out of things to say.

 I got ice cream for lunch. 

It wasn't a cone.... or a llama... but it should have been.

Pudding Post

I'm super excited.  I went to lunch today at our local Chinese buffet and my fortune cookie gave me great news:

The project you have in mind will soon gain momentum.

Which is pretty awesome because I wasn't sure how it would be received. But here it is:

Of course, I will only offer butterscotch pudding, since that is the best flavor. 

This is going to be great.  I should go get a post office box RIGHT NOW!

The Good, the Bad, and the Cheeseblarg takes Manhattan.

The bad news: Despite all the wonderful people willing to back me with a total of $974 (plus $40 more sent directly to me) and the news story on me by my local news station (thanks Marnee!), I did not meet my goal amount on Kickstarter in time and all of the pledges were canceled.

The good news: Thanks to Kelly providing a ticket for me, I was able to convince my darling mother that it would be a travesty of justice if I didn't get to go to New York City for my debut art show there, and she begrudgingly agreed to accompany me and eat Greek food* and pay for what I couldn't at this point using her credit, which is thankfully better than mine.

The bad news: I may very well be an indentured servant for the rest of my life until I pay off this trip so all of my posts will be about washing dishes and crying from now on.

The good news: "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" is still on!

Artist's rendering of self in NYC

If anyone would like to take advantage of the rewards below, still, your money will go directly to the trip/project and your art will be delivered in the time windows indicated, just like before. 

GIVE $1 OR MORE

A digital donation badge featuring art from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series.

Estimated Delivery: Nov 2011

GIVE $10 OR MORE

A postcard from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE $25 OR MORE

A postcard and mini print from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE $50 OR MORE

A 12" signed print from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series (of your choice).

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE  $75 OR MORE

A 12" signed print from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series (of your choice), plus a postcard and mini print from the series.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE  $200 OR MORE

One signed museum quality giclee print (of your choice) from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series up to 24 inches.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

BACKER REPORT

GIVE  $1,000 OR MORE

A set of limited edition signed museum quality giclee prints from "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series. (approximately 10" each- 200 in edition- set includes 5 or more prints)

Estimated Delivery: Jan 2012

Please be sure to include your address so your art can be sent to you!
And thank you again, for all your support!

I will be blogging at least once from New York, and will be updating the Facebook page and twitter with pictures and stuff.  I leave Monday. Any New Yorkers (or localy people) are welcome to come to meet me at art show Monday night (will post time I'll be there on facebook or twitter). I promise I'll try not to throw up on you.

*and Indian food, and German food, and Katz's Deli, and whatever street food we can get our hands on... ad nauseum.

And now for something only slightly different.

I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually, but in the meantime the sentiment holds.

And a pinch to grow an inch!

Hey! Hey guys!

In exactly ONE MONTH, guess what!!!

No... guess again.
. . .

Damn it, fine.

IT WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I wanted to give you advance warning so that you could all get together and plan me the best internet surprise party EVAR.  I'll go along thinking, 'they've all forgotten, no one's said a thing about it at all,' but then POW, you'll all jump out and scream "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" and then I will most likely have a heart attack, which would be really sad... but wouldn't you be quite startled if approximately 1200 people all jumped out at you at the same time? That shit is scary.  Don't do that!

And you really couldn't keep it a secret anyway.  I would be driven to google "Surprise party for JRose" every day, because someone will make some comment somewhere and I would KNOW, just KNOW what was going on, and my detective nature will ruin it all. I'm an asshole like that.

But other than Halloween, birthdays are my favorite holidays. What's better than a day ALL FOR ME ONE SPECIAL PERSON!?  No one in my family really made a big deal about major holidays growing up, but my parents threw my sister and me big theme birthday parties every year that were totally bitchin'. AND they let us have boy/girl sleepovers, in high school, so yeah.

 I know you are thinking to yourself now, 'You've convinced me, your birthday is super important, but what should I get you!?' because like me, you are desperate for love and attention thoughtful and generous. And to that I say, "You don't have to get me a damned thing... unless you want to..." and then I will take anything that wasn't rubbed on a dead body OR poop and that doesn't contain something that will surely cause me some sort of physical harm. No zombie viruses, no anthrax, no ground glass, and though I appreciate the thought, no bodily fluids.

That may not help, but clearly you have been reading my blarg so you should have a slight idea of things that I like.

Llamas, narwhals, goats, dinosaurs, Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, R2-D2 (and Star Wars), Data (and Star Trek), Harry Potter, Portal, zombies, bacon, candy (that doesn't taste like bacon), stickers, felt barrettes, large stacks of cash and gift cards, diamonds, unicorn shaped jumbo jets, keys to a shiny new Australia.... or a mash up of any of the above.

Here is some examples of things I think are awesome:

Awesome Dino Felt Barrette

Interesting fact- I always draw myself mirrored. I actually wear my barrettes on the right side. 

R2D2 felted charm

Portal Weighted Companion Cube Pendant

Any of these things from my wishlist on ThinkGeek.com

 

And Archie McPhee is always fun:

 I also collect metal lunchboxes, hand-painted plastic snowdomes, and mold-o-rama figurines and have a wishlist at amazon.com.

And one of my favorite birthday songs, to get us all in the mood!

p.s. You are totally expected to save birthday wishes for my actual birthday. I mean, you can give them now but they don't actually count until 4:04 am EST October 2nd.


ETA- Awesome reader Ronja has created a facebook birthday party event. I think it maybe be a surprise, but I somehow figured it out. =P