Cheeseblarg 2017 - Valentine Cards with a Conscience

What better way to say I love you than with the gift of social justice? Or political anger?
I give you Cheeseblarg's 2017 Valentines.

This is what democracy looks like! This is what a Valentine looks like!

buy at Zazzle or RedBubble

Let your loved one know the true depth of your feels!

buy at Zazzle or RedBubble

buy on Zazzle

for more valentines

Feel the Bernentine!

Remember when I wasn't terribly political?

Well, I was just pretending. But, if I am going to be political, I am at least going to make it amusing.

I am, perhaps obviously, totally into the Berninator. Being poor probably helps, and being one of those weirdo liberal artists, but Bernie Sanders thrills the hell out of me.

I want to be more present here at ye old Cheeseblarg, and while I am still having overwhelming medical issues (which would be totally helped by having someone in office who was willing to help me with the whole living with no income thing), I thought a Valentine was a good start to my pending comeback. Not making promises, but I am trying.

So I give you, Cheeseblarg's official Bernie Valentine:

Available for sale here!

Valentine's 2014: Handyman's Valentines

I have two Valentine's for you that fit the theme: Handyman's Valentines. That is, of course, if your handyman happens to be vulgar and wants to sleep with you.

BUY IT HERE: http://www.zazzle.com/youre_my_favorite-137680933963661384

BUY IT HERE: http://www.zazzle.com/valentine_screwdriver-137689316479872297

Valentine's Cards: Set Three - Nerdy but Sweet

This last set is really just a set of cards from me to myself, because they represent some of my favorite nerdiness. Hopefully they represent your favorite nerdy stuff too.

Buy them at my Zazzle shop unless they decide I can't sell them because despite painting everything from scratch they are breaking laws.

 This one is totally for the Bloggess. She should be my Valentine.

I can totally hear him saying it in Alan Rickman's voice too.

I am open to drawing more Valentines, though these are all I have planned. I feel bad for not doing a Star Trek card, but all of my ideas had already been done, so if you have a Star Trek (TNG, preferably) card in mind, let me know and I might draw it (one with Wesley Crusher gets extra points, so I can bug Wil Wheaton with it).  Also open to drawing cards (like the ones I've been posting) for pay. Just sayin'. Hit me up, Hallmark, or people who don't want to go to Hallmark because none of  their cards mention wanting to stick things in people's holes.

Valentine's Cards: Set Two- From Your Unromantic Boyfriend

My next set of Valentines are what you would get if your boyfriend/husband could really get you the card he wanted to... that was based on an action movie. Or the ones that I would get you, because I like classic action movies, despite having a vagina.

And again, some available in my Zazzle shop if they haven't been taken down.

Valentine's Cards: Set One: Smutty Foods

Valentine's day is coming up, and what better way to be incredibly forward than with inappropriate but adorable cards, made by me.

There will be more themed sets forthcoming, so check back.  Also, all cards are available in my Zazzle shop*, in case you want to express your desires offline.

*If you are trying to find the cards in the Zazzle shop, but they don't seem to be there, please click the "content filter" link in the left navigation strip (it is towards the bottom), and allow PG-13 items to be shown, and they will magically appear. 


Without further ado... SMUTTY FOODS WISHING YOU HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Feel free to share this, as you see fit!

First Secret Cupid Round-Up!

I am super proud and happy to officially report that our first ever Cheeseblarg exchange was a great success. I tried to plan in case of every eventuality, and there was only one (point five) emergencies to deal with, that I had already figured for, so taking care of it was pretty simple. I used a very simple method to chose partners- each person got the person directly under them in the sign up list, as long as they were from the same country AND from a different state. Texas was our most popular state so I moved people around to make sure that each match had someone who wasn't in their area, but otherwise, it just went down the line. The last person got the first person to sign up, which was me.

There were 34 participants in total, and I am fairly certain that no one died in the process (which is a measure I use to ascertain  the success of any venture I partake in... someone dies, it is a failure, but otherwise WIN! I suppose it is clear that I have yet to put together any human hunting teams or mass suicides).

Here is the gift I got from my long time friend, sometimes reader, and awesome exchange participant, Eric R., who is one of the funniest guys I know, and whose intellectual stick figure comics many years ago gave me an inkling that maybe I could do this too (he also was the only male in the exchange).

Peanut butter, honey and sea salt truffles from Compartes Chocolatier in Hollywood, CA. So tasty!

And here are some gifts and experiences of your fellow Cheeseblargians:

Had so much fun creating for this swap. I got spoiled rotten by my partner who sent me an amazing disproving chicken card and all the amazing supplies I received! The chocolates...didn't last long after the picture.                                         -Brandy Davis

I had a great time with the Secret Cupid exchange.

Husband and I have been together since high school (11 years), and we have only ever celebrated one Valentine’s Day – the first one.

I tend to poo-poo most holidays, I’m not a fan of Xmas, so much work and stress for so little reward, the only good thing about Easter is hot crossed buns, but I can just buy fruit loaf throughout the year, it’s almost the same thing, right? I’m Australian so Halloween is meaningless to me (I’m the lady that gives out apples if any kids come a knocking). So Valentine’s Day sits right up there with the rest. Ignored.  It was actually a lot of fun to join in the Cheeseblarg Secret Cupid.

The best part? – The grow your own Crocodile from an egg thing! BEST GIFT EVER! -Sarah H. 

I really enjoyed being part of this Secret Cupid Exchange. I got a lovely package with 4 bowls for me to use in my Bentos, as well as a map of San Antonio, and some packages of seeds. I loved the personalized pictures that my Secret Cupid drew on the bowls and the map. It really made me smile. I'd love to be included in a future exchange!    ~Kat

I'm sending a photo of what my secret cupid sent.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure who to give credit to, so maybe you could help me out on that piece. (It was Brandy up there *points* -JR)

It should be noted that I raise alpacas, which makes it even more fan-freakin-tastic that my valentine sent me a beautiful felted zipper pouch with an alpaca on it. Even better, she included a hand-drawn ACEO card with the alpaca from the pouch. I screamed and shouted, "Sweet!" when I opened my package, frightening my dogs in the process. It's so flipping cool, and I am so glad I participated.

 Really, it was exciting and fun even to be a sender of a package. It made valentine's day fun and exciting again. I haven't felt that way about it since elementary school. Would totally do this again (hint, hint).

I'm also including a picture of some of my herd, just for fun. (OMG SO CUTE! JR) 

Thanks again for coming up with this super sweet idea. -Britta

I was spoiled! Thank you to cherriesnchecks.blogspot.com! She actually sent me a handmade tiny manatee named earl, which is my dream. Seriously cool. -Eke 

And yeah, it was super fun and only a little stressful for me, because I wanted everyone to be happy (and had to send out 68 personalized emails). I'm almost glad that I didn't go with my original idea of giving everyone my address and pretending they all got me as valentines, such lucky readers. =P 

Hopefully, the rest of the participants will link their blog posts in the comments here so you can see everyone's posts, because Cheeseblargians are some of the best readers and present givers I have met in my ENTIRE life. You can also see more gifts and interact over at Cheeseblarg on Facebook!

It's a Zombie Valentine

Buy this card on Zazzle

February Sticker Sale- We All Heart Narwhals

These stickers are only available during February. It is a limited edition sticker with only 29 available for sale. With shipping, each sticker is $2.50 USD. You can choose to send me more if you like, in case you are feeling generous, but of course, you don't have to.

 Each hand cut sticker is around 3.25 inches high by about 3.75 inches wide and has a matte finish. Will be sent first class mail by USPS.  For those outside the US, please choose the Base International option for the first sticker, and regular $2.50 for any additional sticker in the same order.

Price Options

Base Sticker US $2.50 USD Base Sticker International $3.50 USD Sticker + small donation $5.00 USD Sticker + large donation $10.00 USD Sticker + MEGA donation $20.00 USD

The problem I see.

So, I went to the eye doctor (aka eye touching motherfuckers). It was the first time I've been to an actual eye doctor since 1983. They did all their tests, which are much less traumatizing now than they were in 1983, and my vision seemed completely normal, perfect, in fact.
For perhaps a year, I have been complaining that I FEEL like my vision in my right eye is shrouded, but it isn't. I understand that doesn't make sense, but when I look out of each eye separately, each eye is perfectly normal, but with both eyes open, it feels like my left eye sees clearer than my right.
So after doing all of the tests, I told the doctor exactly that, and he said "OH! Let me do one more test!"
And then he gave me lenses so I could see, because apparently dilating the hell out of your eyes makes them not focus. And as an aside, I don't understand how anyone who has perfect vision who then develops severe far sidedness doesn't immediately jump off a bridge. I was close and I only had to put up with it for 6 hours.
Anyway, he had me hold lenses in front of my eyes so I could see anything that wasn't 40 feet away, and had me cover my left eye and then my right and this is what I saw:

The left side is the left eye and the right, is the right... funny how that works.

This is called a "Red Cap Desaturation Test" by the way.

He explained to me that the difference in my ability to see colors now is not a problem with my physical eye but is a neurological problem. He didn't give me an actual diagnosis but sent the report to my doctors (who I have demanded take all this stuff seriously). I go to the neurologist on Thursday, so I should have more information for us all then, though Dr. Google has already given me a sound diagnosis that does not surprise me at all.




Also, remember, today is the last day to sign up to give a stranger an AWESOME VD*! Sign up for da Cheeseblarg's Secret Cupid Exchange before midnight.

No actual venereal diseases should be sent, VD is meant to refer to Valentines Day, because VD is a Special Trading Day!

Cheeseblarg's Secret Cupid Valentine Exchange!

(excerpt from chat conversation)

So I had an idea, while in the shower last night...
bathtub maybe...
In water
Not that it really maters where I was
The point is I had an idea.
And I am going to tell it to you.

Last year, I did a Valentine contest where one person got a Valentine package from me. And that was pretty boss, but since this was a hard year for me, I thought, giving one person love is just not enough, I want EVERYONE to have buckets of love, but alas, I don't have enough resources to send love to everyone, and then I splashed water everywhere. Not really, but you can imagine I did. I might have just gotten my hair wet in my excitement, if I am going to bother being honest.

A secret cupid exchange!

We, as a community of Cheeseblargians (including me), could come together and be each other's Valentines. I know way too many people who hate Valentine's day because they don't have someone who wants to regularly put their junk in said person's junk and that is just silly. I mean, junk merging is clearly enjoyable for most people who are into that sort of thing, but love does not just have to come from people who wanna stick their junk in you or otherwise come in contact with your parts. I have always enjoyed just sharing love and happy sappiness with anyone who doesn't put a restraining order on me, so how about it?

Uh, we be each other's Valentines without any junk dipping at all. We do it to make someone happy and to also, ourselves, feel happy about getting to make someone else happy.

• You sign up to be a Valentine using my handy dandy form (that is closed now, since it is past the deadline). 

• You are matched up with a person to whom you will send a Valentine package ($5 minimum, no maximum, but more than $25 should NOT be expected). The person you are sending to should not be the person you will get stuff from.

• You will be encouraged to give your blog address and to visit your match's blog to gently stalk them to get an idea of things they like. Please don't be creepy. And tell me if people are being creepy, so I can tell 'em to knock it off.

• January 30th is the last day to sign up (cutoff comes at midnight mountain time zone). I will send out matches on the 31st of January- 2nd of February (depending on how many matches we get). Packages should be sent by Wednesday, February 8th so that packages get there in time (unless you plan on sending express... just try make sure it gets there on time!).

• We have Cheeseblargians all over the world so I need matches not only in the US and Canada, but also in the UK and Australia. If you are from the US or Canada and are willing to do overseas gift exchanges and chance not having them ON Valentine's Day (especially if you already have a Valentine person of your own), be sure to check that option on the sign up page!

Important things to make this work:

• You will be getting emails from me. It is important that your email works and that it be an email you check regularly.

• Email me when you send your package out and I will email your match to let them know it was sent. If you have tracking information, that would be a good thing to send me.

• When you receive your gift, come back and tell us all about it either on Cheeseblarg's facebook page or on this post (link from your own blog)! Photos are encouraged. 

• Remember, this is about giving love so do be gracious, even if you get a Pee Wee Urine Bag (don't send Pee Wee Urine Bags, or otherwise troll your Valentine, please... even if this is a humor blarg, gifts are serious bidness!).

• If for some reason your package doesn't arrive after I sent you notice it was shipped, let me know after two weeks from when it should arrive and I will let the community know so that you can be sure to get a gift.

What are good Secret Cupid gifts?
Handmade or silly cards, something special and unique from your part of the country, something Cheeseblarg themed, candy, jewelry, toys, stickers, books, things you are sure your match will like.

What are BAD Secret Cupid gifts?
Anything harmful, stinky, or dead that has not been proccessed in a way that makes it an appropriate gift (leather wallet, ok- dead raccoon carcass, not ok). Something funny but dissapointing, something your match obviously wouldn't want (like a bag of flour for the writer of GlutenFreeForLife or A Vampire Hunter Taxadermied Duck for VeganGal417) This should be a pleasant experience for all.

If you know you cannot make the deadlines or can't send at least 5 dollars worth of something (plus shipping), hold off for another gift exchange, please. If you have an aversion to giving out your address or are in the Witness Protection Program, this is probably not for you. Also, if you are a jerk in a way that it will mar the experience for someone else, just be a jerk to someone in person and get it out of your system. Don't be mean to my people. The Cheeseblargians, I mean, not the Jews.



If for some reason, this becomes way more popular than I expect it to, and I get hundreds or thousands or BILLIONS of people wanting to participate, uh... I may need help or a little more time. I shall keep y'alls posted, in that case. 


And if I have missed something, glaringly, that is going to make this suck for me, or you guys, please let me know so I can fix it! 

Pardon?

My nephew brought home this Valentine from the "mean kid" in his preschool class.  Some of the letters seem to be rotated, but I think the kid may have taken advice on the message from a narwhal...

Dear Valentine v.2

Okay, granted, yesterday's Valentine's cards probably are not appropriate for everyone.  Today, I have some cute ones that shouldn't get you slapped or blocked.

Confused? See IT'S A DOG!

Dear Valentine...

The cheeseblarg animals have some Valentine's cards for you.  They told me what to write, so blame them, not me.  Feel free to share them... surely they will be well received!

Be My Valentine Contest Winner!

Congrats, Kellers! You were chosen as my blargy Valentine! 

Please send me a message with your mailing address!

Thank you to all of those who entered! I loved your poems! You would all make fine Valentines! 

(I love exclamation points!!!!)

For visual proof of random drawing AND a generic version of this adorable llama valentine, to share with your llama of love, make the jump!

Be My Valentine Contest (details inside)

My husband is terrible at gift-giving holidays. He is very sweet and loves me more than I ever thought a boy would, is glad to give me money to buy things for myself when we have some (though I have issues with buying things for myself, though that is another post all together), is happy to take me out to dinner on Valentine's day (if I plan it),  but has anxiety about buying presents, so I have a tradition of making my friends my Valentines. It is a win/win/win, the pressure is taken off of him, I get the attention and presents I want, and my Valentine-challenged friends have someone to dote on them.

And since you guys listen to me be silly, and even encourage me with comments, you can be brought into the fold of my super fantastic Valentine's extravaganza!

If you are chosen as my Valentine, you get the following:

A bouquet of paper forget-me-nots, a hand painted ACEO (2.5"x3.5" mini-painting) of a love-lorn llama, and a love-struck llama pendant.
Plus an assortment of candy and a handmade Valentine from me.

Details after the jump!