Cheeseblarg 2017 - Valentine Cards with a Conscience

What better way to say I love you than with the gift of social justice? Or political anger?
I give you Cheeseblarg's 2017 Valentines.

This is what democracy looks like! This is what a Valentine looks like!

buy at Zazzle or RedBubble

Let your loved one know the true depth of your feels!

buy at Zazzle or RedBubble

buy on Zazzle

for more valentines

Feel the Bernentine!

Remember when I wasn't terribly political?

Well, I was just pretending. But, if I am going to be political, I am at least going to make it amusing.

I am, perhaps obviously, totally into the Berninator. Being poor probably helps, and being one of those weirdo liberal artists, but Bernie Sanders thrills the hell out of me.

I want to be more present here at ye old Cheeseblarg, and while I am still having overwhelming medical issues (which would be totally helped by having someone in office who was willing to help me with the whole living with no income thing), I thought a Valentine was a good start to my pending comeback. Not making promises, but I am trying.

So I give you, Cheeseblarg's official Bernie Valentine:

Available for sale here!

Valentine's 2014: Handyman's Valentines

I have two Valentine's for you that fit the theme: Handyman's Valentines. That is, of course, if your handyman happens to be vulgar and wants to sleep with you.

BUY IT HERE: http://www.zazzle.com/youre_my_favorite-137680933963661384

BUY IT HERE: http://www.zazzle.com/valentine_screwdriver-137689316479872297

New Things I Learned This Week - Episode 1

I wanted to share with you, each Thursday, new things I learned during the week. I thought it might be fun, and according to my long ago Facebook poll, some of you agree, but thankfully I am in charge of what gets posted here, so even if you were all, " NO WAY! That sounds boring!" I would probably still post it if it made me laugh.

So here are a few new things I learned this week:

Despite thinking I was completely useless at first person shooters, because of that one time that I turned on my roommate's Xbox to try playing Halo while he wasn't home and was shot repeatedly in the head within seconds of spawning, I learned, playing Bioshock Infinite, (because my husband was tired of me nagging him to check garbage cans while he was playing and handed over the controller) that I am actually pretty good at video games... unless there are 8 people shooting me from different directions, and one of them seems to be Fire Marshal Bill who is throwing large lava rocks at me. Then I just do a lot of yelling of "OMG STOP SHOOTING ME!" and cry while getting killed a lot.

Also, it is totally acceptable to eat cotton candy that has been in a dead man's pocket.

I highly recommend Bioshock Infinite though. It stands alone well, so you don't HAVE to have played the other two games (though they are awesome also, so you should), and it is just stunning, visually, and so much fun... though the last battle took me a million tries, since it goes from relatively easy -- on the easiest setting-- to WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY in the last battle. If you utilize your many different powers correctly, it is completely doable... demonstrated by the fact that I did it, finally (after looking up helpful hints).

This is the trailer, where you can see how beautiful it is, but be warned, there is a slight amount of gore in it... and know that I chose the trailer with the least spoilery stuff in it:

On to the next thing I learned:

Spiders pee-poop. Also, spider pee, not flammable.

Also, I was reminded that without the aid of spell check, I am apparently unable to spell the word flammable.


New thing trice:

We now have to worry about an epidemic of kitten perpetrated nipple maulings. So much so that I was able to use this card I made for Jen Yates for my friend, comedian Jen Kober, only a few days later.

Feel free to use it, should you know someone who is impacted by this horrifying kitten trend.

And finally:

Despite a hidden desire to kick/punch a punching bag, which was realized when watching some stupid banking commercial, it would make me feel bad for abusing an inanimate object; this feels like it would be much more likely:

Extra points if you recognize the room I am reading to the punching bag in... extra extra points if you verify your knowledge by "shouting" quotes.

Valentine's Cards: Set Three - Nerdy but Sweet

This last set is really just a set of cards from me to myself, because they represent some of my favorite nerdiness. Hopefully they represent your favorite nerdy stuff too.

Buy them at my Zazzle shop unless they decide I can't sell them because despite painting everything from scratch they are breaking laws.

 This one is totally for the Bloggess. She should be my Valentine.

I can totally hear him saying it in Alan Rickman's voice too.

I am open to drawing more Valentines, though these are all I have planned. I feel bad for not doing a Star Trek card, but all of my ideas had already been done, so if you have a Star Trek (TNG, preferably) card in mind, let me know and I might draw it (one with Wesley Crusher gets extra points, so I can bug Wil Wheaton with it).  Also open to drawing cards (like the ones I've been posting) for pay. Just sayin'. Hit me up, Hallmark, or people who don't want to go to Hallmark because none of  their cards mention wanting to stick things in people's holes.

Valentine's Cards: Set Two- From Your Unromantic Boyfriend

My next set of Valentines are what you would get if your boyfriend/husband could really get you the card he wanted to... that was based on an action movie. Or the ones that I would get you, because I like classic action movies, despite having a vagina.

And again, some available in my Zazzle shop if they haven't been taken down.

Valentine's Cards: Set One: Smutty Foods

Valentine's day is coming up, and what better way to be incredibly forward than with inappropriate but adorable cards, made by me.

There will be more themed sets forthcoming, so check back.  Also, all cards are available in my Zazzle shop*, in case you want to express your desires offline.

*If you are trying to find the cards in the Zazzle shop, but they don't seem to be there, please click the "content filter" link in the left navigation strip (it is towards the bottom), and allow PG-13 items to be shown, and they will magically appear. 


Without further ado... SMUTTY FOODS WISHING YOU HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Feel free to share this, as you see fit!

To My Doctor...

So... okay, my colonoscopy was awful, and it was an anomaly*, I know, because I have a super liver (still) that filters medications out of my body at high speeds, so uh, I may have traumatized some people.

They also might not have taken me completely seriously when I told them that I ALWAYS wake up during the procedure. So, I woke up during the procedure...

And I feel it necessary, now, to make this card for my doctor because I am going to have to continue to see him, and I am fairly embarrassed that in my semi-unconscious state I couldn't stop myself my screaming like a crazed weasel and crying hysterically, like someone had just been cutting chunks out of my intestines while filling them full of air.

All I really know about my doctor is that he REALLY likes working out. And he seems not to be a serial killer, so I can safely assume that he likes kittens and rainbows and unicorns and mini Godzilla.

So, yeah. Sorry 'bout that.



*Please don't let this scare you off from getting life-saving diagnostic tests. Most people don't have this problem, and a few minutes of screaming while they run off to get you more meds is worth making sure your guts are okay, believe me. This is my fifth and it won't be my last, no matter how many times it traumatizes me.

First Secret Cupid Round-Up!

I am super proud and happy to officially report that our first ever Cheeseblarg exchange was a great success. I tried to plan in case of every eventuality, and there was only one (point five) emergencies to deal with, that I had already figured for, so taking care of it was pretty simple. I used a very simple method to chose partners- each person got the person directly under them in the sign up list, as long as they were from the same country AND from a different state. Texas was our most popular state so I moved people around to make sure that each match had someone who wasn't in their area, but otherwise, it just went down the line. The last person got the first person to sign up, which was me.

There were 34 participants in total, and I am fairly certain that no one died in the process (which is a measure I use to ascertain  the success of any venture I partake in... someone dies, it is a failure, but otherwise WIN! I suppose it is clear that I have yet to put together any human hunting teams or mass suicides).

Here is the gift I got from my long time friend, sometimes reader, and awesome exchange participant, Eric R., who is one of the funniest guys I know, and whose intellectual stick figure comics many years ago gave me an inkling that maybe I could do this too (he also was the only male in the exchange).

Peanut butter, honey and sea salt truffles from Compartes Chocolatier in Hollywood, CA. So tasty!

And here are some gifts and experiences of your fellow Cheeseblargians:

Had so much fun creating for this swap. I got spoiled rotten by my partner who sent me an amazing disproving chicken card and all the amazing supplies I received! The chocolates...didn't last long after the picture.                                         -Brandy Davis

I had a great time with the Secret Cupid exchange.

Husband and I have been together since high school (11 years), and we have only ever celebrated one Valentine’s Day – the first one.

I tend to poo-poo most holidays, I’m not a fan of Xmas, so much work and stress for so little reward, the only good thing about Easter is hot crossed buns, but I can just buy fruit loaf throughout the year, it’s almost the same thing, right? I’m Australian so Halloween is meaningless to me (I’m the lady that gives out apples if any kids come a knocking). So Valentine’s Day sits right up there with the rest. Ignored.  It was actually a lot of fun to join in the Cheeseblarg Secret Cupid.

The best part? – The grow your own Crocodile from an egg thing! BEST GIFT EVER! -Sarah H. 

I really enjoyed being part of this Secret Cupid Exchange. I got a lovely package with 4 bowls for me to use in my Bentos, as well as a map of San Antonio, and some packages of seeds. I loved the personalized pictures that my Secret Cupid drew on the bowls and the map. It really made me smile. I'd love to be included in a future exchange!    ~Kat

I'm sending a photo of what my secret cupid sent.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure who to give credit to, so maybe you could help me out on that piece. (It was Brandy up there *points* -JR)

It should be noted that I raise alpacas, which makes it even more fan-freakin-tastic that my valentine sent me a beautiful felted zipper pouch with an alpaca on it. Even better, she included a hand-drawn ACEO card with the alpaca from the pouch. I screamed and shouted, "Sweet!" when I opened my package, frightening my dogs in the process. It's so flipping cool, and I am so glad I participated.

 Really, it was exciting and fun even to be a sender of a package. It made valentine's day fun and exciting again. I haven't felt that way about it since elementary school. Would totally do this again (hint, hint).

I'm also including a picture of some of my herd, just for fun. (OMG SO CUTE! JR) 

Thanks again for coming up with this super sweet idea. -Britta

I was spoiled! Thank you to cherriesnchecks.blogspot.com! She actually sent me a handmade tiny manatee named earl, which is my dream. Seriously cool. -Eke 

And yeah, it was super fun and only a little stressful for me, because I wanted everyone to be happy (and had to send out 68 personalized emails). I'm almost glad that I didn't go with my original idea of giving everyone my address and pretending they all got me as valentines, such lucky readers. =P 

Hopefully, the rest of the participants will link their blog posts in the comments here so you can see everyone's posts, because Cheeseblargians are some of the best readers and present givers I have met in my ENTIRE life. You can also see more gifts and interact over at Cheeseblarg on Facebook!

It's a Zombie Valentine

Buy this card on Zazzle

Why I don't work for Hallmark.

There are certain times when people tell you things where, despite being pretty good at social responses, there is just no appropriate response available.  It is those times that I most want to make inappropriate cards for people.

This one is great for the stomach bug that seems to be going around this week... or if you have the ability to travel back in time, for people who didn't read the warnings on products that contained Olestra.

You're welcome.

Er... I guess a simple "Sorry!" would have worked too.

Pardon?

My nephew brought home this Valentine from the "mean kid" in his preschool class.  Some of the letters seem to be rotated, but I think the kid may have taken advice on the message from a narwhal...

Dear Valentine v.2

Okay, granted, yesterday's Valentine's cards probably are not appropriate for everyone.  Today, I have some cute ones that shouldn't get you slapped or blocked.

Confused? See IT'S A DOG!

Dear Valentine...

The cheeseblarg animals have some Valentine's cards for you.  They told me what to write, so blame them, not me.  Feel free to share them... surely they will be well received!

Be My Valentine Contest Winner!

Congrats, Kellers! You were chosen as my blargy Valentine! 

Please send me a message with your mailing address!

Thank you to all of those who entered! I loved your poems! You would all make fine Valentines! 

(I love exclamation points!!!!)

For visual proof of random drawing AND a generic version of this adorable llama valentine, to share with your llama of love, make the jump!