My hole is gonna be HUGE!

I’ve been waiting for a while to discuss this, because this friend of mine in high school once told me about this theory she called “The Point of Light” and the idea is that when you are excited about something, the more you talk about it, the less likely it is to happen, and since I grew up in a household where that was basically the rule, the idea stuck. I know that seems like it has nothing at all to do with lights, but it does if you imagine your anticipation to be a pinprick in the dark that lets light in, and the more you share it with others, the bigger the hole in the darkness gets and apparently bigger holes are less appealing to the gods of wish granting. I think her theory might have been slut-shaming me. Anyway, now that Exciting Event I Didn’t Want to Jinx ™ has happened, (and not without a ton on ridiculousness attached to it) I am free to talk about it.

I moved AND I’m not exceedingly poor anymore, thanks to the government (for the time being, as long as President Dickface and his Zany Cabinet ™ don’t fuck up financial aid for old-assed people going to college. That would be my husband, not me.) Mr. Rose is a college student now and we are living in an adorable tiny house on a college campus in Montana with our cat and a veritable menagerie of woodland creatures. It’s adorable. A gopher cut me off as I was going to get in my car yesterday. Bunnies frolic on our front lawns. It could only get cuter if they talked, or carried tiny baskets with them (makes a note to buy tiny baskets).

But the not being really really poor part is exciting for me. When I’ve said I was poor, I mean, we had no actual income for three straight years and very little for years before that. Like, my mom gave us money to cover things we really needed during that time (‘cause who wants to live with a person who needs - but can’t afford - tampons), and the government paid for our food, but otherwise, I didn’t touch my debit card for literally years. I was actually confused when I had to use it again because ATM technology has changed so much in the last 5 years or so since I last used one. And with the influx of money that I now have access to, I have discovered a deep and passionate love for makeup. I want all the makeup. I don’t have all the makeup, and I should probably curb my appetite for it since, holy shit, makeup these days is so expensive, but it is all so pretty.

That’s not to say that I’m good at makeup. I’m not super girly, but I am so drawn to it. And with my art background, I’ve got an idea of what I want my face to look like, but using makeup brushes is just not like painting. It’s hard, y’all. I’ve been watching tutorials on youtube though and mostly it leads me to wonder how is it that I can integrate beauty tips into a humor blog so that Urban Decay and Too Faced, et al, decide that sending me free makeup is a good business decision.

How many of you are into makeup? Would any of you be into seeing what colors I put on my face some time?

I Ain't Afraid of No Reboots!

This post has no spoilers unless you think drawings of myself and characters from the movies are spoilers, then there are spoilers, but no details of the plot of the movie itself.


So, if you've been paying attention for any amount of time, you should know that I am a gigantic Ghostbusters fan. Unlike most of the people on the tubes, I was super looking forward to the release of the new Ghostbusters reboot, which should be clear since I made a goal of going to the movie AND picking my nose in said movie (which I totally achieved):

Artist's Rendering

I even made my own shirt for the occasion, which was the most obnoxious experience ever. I mean, who makes a t-shirt transfer that CAN'T BE WASHED *glares at Horizon Group USA*

If you want one, too, you can buy one by clicking the picture, because iron-ons are a pain in the ass (There are also stickers, mini skirts, and prints available). Or pledge a dollar or more on Patreon for access to the unwatermarked version to make your own if you enjoy ass pains.

But my thoughts on the movie...

I LOVED IT!

Now my nephew, who is the kid next to me in the picture above ignoring my finger in my nose, thought it was better than the original, but I quickly corrected him, because that is verging on blasphemy. But it was just as good, I think, and its own thing. 

Of course, there are many (cheek-bustingly delightful) references to the original, which I won't elaborate on, but it really is an entirely new thing which real fans of the movie (who don't have some weird principle against a universe being expanded -- or yucky girls) should absolutely love.

Love, love, love, love, love. And so far, all the fans I know are really feeling exactly that, so it is not just because I usually keep my expectations almost as low as they can go when it comes to media. That is to say, if I am entertained, I am willing to call something entertainment, but this was more than entertainment; it was a new and expanded look at a franchise that has been dear to my heart since I was 8 years old, and I think it will bring a new generation of 8-year-olds into the fray. I can't wait for more!

In the meantime, I'll just bring everyone I know to go see it, and draw fan art, and read all I can about it and fantasize about joining the crew!

 

Some Like It Hot!

Someone needs to take my adult badge away...

This is the second time I have burned myself this week. 

The first time, I was melting wax on my stove to use while felting and I accidentally placed my hand on the element. I think I should get a pass on that one, because I have one of those flat top stoves and when the element area is being lazy, it's black (instead of glowing red) like the rest of stove top (Wow, that comes off as really racist upon reading it aloud).

Tonight's burning really is putting me in the realms of, "You can't use the stove any more."

I was innocently heating up a tortilla to make another pulled pork soft taco to eat while watching "We Are The Millers" and the tortilla, which I had just placed in the pan that had been sitting over heat for a few minutes, wasn't particularly warm when I touched it, so I lifted it up and put the back of my fingers directly on the pan... that had been sitting on the heat for a few minutes. As you might expect, which somehow I didn't, it was hot. Very fucking hot. I will need adult supervision until further notice.

Cheeseblarg's Slutty Halloween Extravaganza

We all know that "sexy" Halloween costumes have totally gotten out of hand. There are tons of humor sites out there enumerating all of the ridiculous designs.  This humor site is not content to just sit back and observe the insanity. Instead, I am jumping in myself, with both feet.  I offer you, Cheeseblarg's Slutty Halloween Extravaganza.

New Things I Learned This Week - Episode 1

I wanted to share with you, each Thursday, new things I learned during the week. I thought it might be fun, and according to my long ago Facebook poll, some of you agree, but thankfully I am in charge of what gets posted here, so even if you were all, " NO WAY! That sounds boring!" I would probably still post it if it made me laugh.

So here are a few new things I learned this week:

Despite thinking I was completely useless at first person shooters, because of that one time that I turned on my roommate's Xbox to try playing Halo while he wasn't home and was shot repeatedly in the head within seconds of spawning, I learned, playing Bioshock Infinite, (because my husband was tired of me nagging him to check garbage cans while he was playing and handed over the controller) that I am actually pretty good at video games... unless there are 8 people shooting me from different directions, and one of them seems to be Fire Marshal Bill who is throwing large lava rocks at me. Then I just do a lot of yelling of "OMG STOP SHOOTING ME!" and cry while getting killed a lot.

Also, it is totally acceptable to eat cotton candy that has been in a dead man's pocket.

I highly recommend Bioshock Infinite though. It stands alone well, so you don't HAVE to have played the other two games (though they are awesome also, so you should), and it is just stunning, visually, and so much fun... though the last battle took me a million tries, since it goes from relatively easy -- on the easiest setting-- to WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY in the last battle. If you utilize your many different powers correctly, it is completely doable... demonstrated by the fact that I did it, finally (after looking up helpful hints).

This is the trailer, where you can see how beautiful it is, but be warned, there is a slight amount of gore in it... and know that I chose the trailer with the least spoilery stuff in it:

On to the next thing I learned:

Spiders pee-poop. Also, spider pee, not flammable.

Also, I was reminded that without the aid of spell check, I am apparently unable to spell the word flammable.


New thing trice:

We now have to worry about an epidemic of kitten perpetrated nipple maulings. So much so that I was able to use this card I made for Jen Yates for my friend, comedian Jen Kober, only a few days later.

Feel free to use it, should you know someone who is impacted by this horrifying kitten trend.

And finally:

Despite a hidden desire to kick/punch a punching bag, which was realized when watching some stupid banking commercial, it would make me feel bad for abusing an inanimate object; this feels like it would be much more likely:

Extra points if you recognize the room I am reading to the punching bag in... extra extra points if you verify your knowledge by "shouting" quotes.

Valentine's Cards: Set Two- From Your Unromantic Boyfriend

My next set of Valentines are what you would get if your boyfriend/husband could really get you the card he wanted to... that was based on an action movie. Or the ones that I would get you, because I like classic action movies, despite having a vagina.

And again, some available in my Zazzle shop if they haven't been taken down.

Back to Technology of the Future: Get Kickstarted!

I missed my projected deadline of October 21st for this post, by quite a bit, but there were reasons. So, let's all just get in our time travel device of choice and "pretend" that today is October 21, 2012.*

OCT. 21 2012

Oh, hello there. What a fortuitous day to make a post!

According to the documentary "Back to the Future II," in 3 short years, (or perhaps sooner) we will have hovercraft capabilities. While vehicle use is the most widely publicized utilization for hover technology (see figures 1 and 2), I am at this moment campaigning for another use that will be of much greater benefit to society: Hover Furniture.

fig. 1 (source  slashgear)

fig. 2 (source fanboy)

I came up with this idea for hover furniture after stubbing the holy bejesus out of three of my toes on a piece of furniture that I walk by on a daily basis.

With hover furniture, each piece could be plugged into the wall, or wired in to a home's electrical system, and thanks to stabilization algorithms, would happily hum, a foot off the ground assuring that you never stubbed your toes, ever again. I know what you're thinking, "WHAT ABOUT MY SHINS!?" Have no worry, floating furniture comes with the extra feature of "nudge orientation" which allows the furnishings to move slightly to lessen the impact when hit, after which, it reorientates itself smoothly back to its original position, which is marked on the floor with nearly undetectable bearing pins. This nudge orientation will not effect the object when a part of it is pulled out, or a door opened, but only when approached from non-functional angles, so you don't have to worry about those knick-knacks on the top of your bureau jostling around every time you open a drawer to get out a pair of socks.

But what about my hover bed? I am afraid I might get seasick if things get amorous!

Objects that are made to take human weight are all designed with a button that allows for complete stabilization while occupied. Of course, it can be disengaged and you can lull yourself to sleep on gentle waves, or turn your favorite chair into a rocker. And the quiet hum of the bed is GREAT for insomnia.

Hover Furniture. It is your future, just three years away.

* Does time traveling get you down? Never know what to wear or how many pairs of underwear to pack? Well, we have a solution for that too!







And THIS is why this post wasn't ready on time.  I have started a Kickstarter to actually manufacture these underwear sets. Check it out HERE [link redacted] and share it with everyone you know who loves Dr. Who and/or Back to the Future. If the project gets fully funded, I will be giving away two sets of undies here to two lucky readers as a way to celebrate!


 Early entries are available by sharing a link to my kickstart project on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or on your blog, and sending me a link to where you shared it, here or on Cheeseblarg's message function on facebook (early entries will be meticulously record, because that's what I do). No spamming though, please! Only 4 early entries possible.

The Best of the Bad: The Horror of my Youth

For Halloween this year, I wanted to share with you some of my favorite BAD horror movies. By bad, I mean of course, good, but bad.  They are not polished or necessarily deep, nor would the acting in them win any awards, other than a Razzie, mayhaps, but they are some of my favorites of all time.

(for those viewing by RSS, there are trailers for each video on the actual blarg)

The Stuff (1985)

The acting is really horrible (as you can see in the trailer), but it is really amusing, and only slightly gross.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

This has it all, sex, gore, graphic nudity, witty teenaged banter, creepy older men trying to hump teenagers, bad acting, and it is fairly bizarre to boot. The ending has apparently made it a cult classic, so join the cult. The kool aid is delicious.

Frankenhooker (1990)

 The VHS box of this at our local video store, when I was in high school, had a button on it that would declare "Hey, wanna date? Got some money?" when pushed. This was repeated by me and friends throughout high school and college, which got me some weird looks, let me tell you. It is hysterical, though, and bizarre and icky (not really gorey like things are today, but icky all the same). And did I mention it is funny. Horror comedy at its best.

House (1986)

Again, funny, and scary.  There is some good creature work in this and it stars The Greatest American Hero! My sister and I watched this as young teens, and then made our dad watch it with us because we thought it was really good and really scary.  He spent the first 5 minutes asking us "Is this the scary part?" and declaring "This doesn't seem very scary." And then, he spent the rest of our teenaged years terrifying us by sneaking outside to press his face against random windows, since he looks like one of the scary characters in the movie. He might be the reason I have intestinal issues.


Invaders from Mars (1986)

This movie has always been one of my favorites. It is unfortunate that it is not on DVD, but it can be viewed in entirety on YouTube.  It is a  remake of the 1953 Invaders from Mars that nods to the original. This movie fascinated me as a kid, and is more suspense and creepy sci-fi than flat-out horror, really, though it does have some creepy creature design done by Stan Winston who is responsible for some of the best special effects in cinema (Alien, The Thing, Edward Scissor Hands, seriously, the man is legend).


So, now that I have shared my favorites of the B rated horror classics, that I hope you will check out for Halloween, what would you recommend I watch?

All things pass into the night.

Special Secret Family Recipe

Any time I hear about meat that is made from a "special secret family recipe," my brain immediately translates that as "IT'S MADE OF HUMANS!"

Grammar Guide: That vs. Which

I'm back with more helpfulness, this time in the form of a grammar lesson.  I have been helping a friend edit content lately and it seems many people think that the word THAT is freely interchangeable with the word WHICH, which it surely is not. Of course, I am not a grammar expert, so don't give me shit on my grammar, thanks, but this visual might help someone (when writing NOT a humor blarg) where their grammar and diction need to be spot on.

Note that clauses that contain "which" are almost always set of by commas, whereas clauses that contain "that" are not.

For more technical information on why this is so, see this great explanation by Grammar Girl

Ken Lee

Continuing with my theme of helpful posts, you know what is NOT helpful?  Correcting people's lyrics while they are gleefully singing the wrong words at the top of their lungs.

There are two things in play here... either the person REALIZES they just sang the wrong words and doesn't need to be embarrassed further to realize that they are wrong or they seriously don't give a shit and are just enjoying themselves.

But then a lyric Nazi comes along and is all "IT'S 'SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE,' NOT 'SHE'S OUT OF MY REACH'" and then I am all, "that doesn't even make sense, if she's like the wind, how is the wind out of his league? He must think really poorly of himself if blowing air is too good for him. Man, those lyrics are dumb!"


So, unless you are tasked with training someone for a singing competition, or a lyric game show, seriously, just let them sing shit wrong.

And then make fun of them on the internet by making a comic that points out they sang Jessie's Girl wrong when they were a kid.



p.s. Don't forget... birthday party, on the internet, this Sunday! No need to RSVP if you are specifically avoiding the internet that day to spite me, really... it is cruel.

I think the phrase is 'Kill it with Fire'?

My husband is growing me strawberries.  They have been working their way up to actually producing fruit for the last 2 years... and now, I wish they wouldn't because this is what they look like:

Yes, we have terrifying mutant strawberries growing in my backyard.  I'm wondering if maybe there was a toxic chemical spill in that area, because the strawberry plants in the plot on the other side of the yard (that get the same amount of water, light, fertilizer, and love) are just fine, but these ones, all of them, about 6 plants, they have produced horrible alien strawberries and I hate them. It makes me feel queasy just knowing that they are there, in the yard, watching me... plotting to give me their space herpes.

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Don't forget, there are only three days left to get July's Limited Edition Sticker.

The Craptacular Day

I have several obnoxious and rather icky chronic diseases, which is why I am now trying to make a living by writing funny stories and drawing silly pictures on the internet instead of working "a real job."  Sometimes these diseases all gang up on me and make me not want to do a damned thing, which includes entertaining other people.  Sometimes, I force myself to do it anyway, and sometimes, those posts aren't very amusing because my heart is not behind them.  Today is one of those days.  Not that I mean my heart isn't behind this post, I just mean, I feel like crap and this probably won't be very entertaining.  And I don't mean, my darling readers, that you should to try to guess where I wasn't feeling very well in my blarg archive and let me know, because it might just insult me when you guess that a post I loved and thought was my best was crap but you know it's only because I was sick and you were just trying to be supportive by pointing out that I am not funny, and nevermind, let's just pretend like all of my posts are fried gold.

Anyway, when I am having one of these days, distraction is the best remedy for wanting to dig a hole and never come out. It helps me not to feel so guilty for not wanting to do my job, and for not getting out of bed, except to go to the bathroom 7500 times (this may be a slight exaggeration, which is clearly a symptom of my illnesses too, both the exaggerating and the bathroom trips, that is).

These are the things that are serving as my distractors today:

MTV's Teen Wolf
Yes, I know this is a show made for teens and I am roughly twice the age of the target demographic, but as a fan of the original Teen Wolf movie, I had to check it out, and since I feel about 14 years old most of the time, it appealed to me.  It is absolutely nothing like the movie though there are nods here and there, and it is ridiculously melodramatic, and I freaking love it. There. I said it. I'm a dork. Plus, Stiles... duh.

Looking up candies
I could have sworn that Whatchamacallits had marshmallow in them once upon a time. Apparently, I am completely wrong.  But there was some candy bar when I was a kid in the early 80s that had a wafer and chocolate cream and peanuts and marshmallow in the center, and damn it, I want to know what it was, because in my nostalgic memory, that was THE most delicious confection in the entire world.

And may I say, as a collector of Pez, I am really disappointed that there are no official Harry Potter Pez Dispensers.

Movie Clips on Youtube
UHF is one of my favorite movies from my youth. Weird Al is a comic genius. This clip never fails to amuse me.

By the way, "twinkie wiener sandwiches?" They're terrible. Please believe me.  It is a horrible waste of a twinkie, a hot dog, and easy cheese.

Reading

    

I'm currently reading an actual copy of  "City of Glass- The Mortal Instruments" by Cassandra Clare and "Spiderwork- A Post Apocapunk Fantasy Romance" by LK Rigel on my kindle. I don't usually like to be engaged with two books at the same time because it feels like I am cheating on one with the other, but I was reading "Spiderwork," which is the sequel to "Space Junque," both of which I downloaded for free from Amazon and am enjoying very much, when my friend loaned me the final book of the Mortal Instrument series (I mean, I think it is the final book... I guess I could research that, but I am afraid of spoilers, so I'll just not care instead) and since it is borrowed, I have set aside the other. But reading, of course, has the added benefit of making me sleep which helps with healing so I can write actual posts and not be a grumpy asshole.

Checking my emails a billion times and crying.
(I have no emails, hence the crying)
(except my mom, she writes)
(hi mom)

And that's about it.  Have anything you think might amuse me? Wanna tell me what you do to make yourself feel better when you're having a craptacular day?  I would love the distraction.