My hole is gonna be HUGE!

I’ve been waiting for a while to discuss this, because this friend of mine in high school once told me about this theory she called “The Point of Light” and the idea is that when you are excited about something, the more you talk about it, the less likely it is to happen, and since I grew up in a household where that was basically the rule, the idea stuck. I know that seems like it has nothing at all to do with lights, but it does if you imagine your anticipation to be a pinprick in the dark that lets light in, and the more you share it with others, the bigger the hole in the darkness gets and apparently bigger holes are less appealing to the gods of wish granting. I think her theory might have been slut-shaming me. Anyway, now that Exciting Event I Didn’t Want to Jinx ™ has happened, (and not without a ton on ridiculousness attached to it) I am free to talk about it.

I moved AND I’m not exceedingly poor anymore, thanks to the government (for the time being, as long as President Dickface and his Zany Cabinet ™ don’t fuck up financial aid for old-assed people going to college. That would be my husband, not me.) Mr. Rose is a college student now and we are living in an adorable tiny house on a college campus in Montana with our cat and a veritable menagerie of woodland creatures. It’s adorable. A gopher cut me off as I was going to get in my car yesterday. Bunnies frolic on our front lawns. It could only get cuter if they talked, or carried tiny baskets with them (makes a note to buy tiny baskets).

But the not being really really poor part is exciting for me. When I’ve said I was poor, I mean, we had no actual income for three straight years and very little for years before that. Like, my mom gave us money to cover things we really needed during that time (‘cause who wants to live with a person who needs - but can’t afford - tampons), and the government paid for our food, but otherwise, I didn’t touch my debit card for literally years. I was actually confused when I had to use it again because ATM technology has changed so much in the last 5 years or so since I last used one. And with the influx of money that I now have access to, I have discovered a deep and passionate love for makeup. I want all the makeup. I don’t have all the makeup, and I should probably curb my appetite for it since, holy shit, makeup these days is so expensive, but it is all so pretty.

That’s not to say that I’m good at makeup. I’m not super girly, but I am so drawn to it. And with my art background, I’ve got an idea of what I want my face to look like, but using makeup brushes is just not like painting. It’s hard, y’all. I’ve been watching tutorials on youtube though and mostly it leads me to wonder how is it that I can integrate beauty tips into a humor blog so that Urban Decay and Too Faced, et al, decide that sending me free makeup is a good business decision.

How many of you are into makeup? Would any of you be into seeing what colors I put on my face some time?

Feel the Bernentine!

Remember when I wasn't terribly political?

Well, I was just pretending. But, if I am going to be political, I am at least going to make it amusing.

I am, perhaps obviously, totally into the Berninator. Being poor probably helps, and being one of those weirdo liberal artists, but Bernie Sanders thrills the hell out of me.

I want to be more present here at ye old Cheeseblarg, and while I am still having overwhelming medical issues (which would be totally helped by having someone in office who was willing to help me with the whole living with no income thing), I thought a Valentine was a good start to my pending comeback. Not making promises, but I am trying.

So I give you, Cheeseblarg's official Bernie Valentine:

Available for sale here!

Hanukkah 2012: 8th Night- CRAPTASTIC!

I hope you have enjoyed this year's Hanukkah. Mine hasn't sucked terribly, and I have actually gotten quite a few useful things (which I don't think has happened before, ever). Tonight, for the final night of Hanukkah, your present is PAGE THREE of CRAP! which actually reveals a good part of what this comic is actually about, though there are a few more surprises in store. If I get encouragement (comments, views, proposals), I will share more soon, and if not, I will share it when I feel like it. If you missed pages one and two, you can find them using this link --> I'm a link <-- because comics make more sense when you read them in order.

Click here to see it full sized for ease of reading and whatnot. 

Back to Technology of the Future: Get Kickstarted!

I missed my projected deadline of October 21st for this post, by quite a bit, but there were reasons. So, let's all just get in our time travel device of choice and "pretend" that today is October 21, 2012.*

OCT. 21 2012

Oh, hello there. What a fortuitous day to make a post!

According to the documentary "Back to the Future II," in 3 short years, (or perhaps sooner) we will have hovercraft capabilities. While vehicle use is the most widely publicized utilization for hover technology (see figures 1 and 2), I am at this moment campaigning for another use that will be of much greater benefit to society: Hover Furniture.

fig. 1 (source  slashgear)

fig. 2 (source fanboy)

I came up with this idea for hover furniture after stubbing the holy bejesus out of three of my toes on a piece of furniture that I walk by on a daily basis.

With hover furniture, each piece could be plugged into the wall, or wired in to a home's electrical system, and thanks to stabilization algorithms, would happily hum, a foot off the ground assuring that you never stubbed your toes, ever again. I know what you're thinking, "WHAT ABOUT MY SHINS!?" Have no worry, floating furniture comes with the extra feature of "nudge orientation" which allows the furnishings to move slightly to lessen the impact when hit, after which, it reorientates itself smoothly back to its original position, which is marked on the floor with nearly undetectable bearing pins. This nudge orientation will not effect the object when a part of it is pulled out, or a door opened, but only when approached from non-functional angles, so you don't have to worry about those knick-knacks on the top of your bureau jostling around every time you open a drawer to get out a pair of socks.

But what about my hover bed? I am afraid I might get seasick if things get amorous!

Objects that are made to take human weight are all designed with a button that allows for complete stabilization while occupied. Of course, it can be disengaged and you can lull yourself to sleep on gentle waves, or turn your favorite chair into a rocker. And the quiet hum of the bed is GREAT for insomnia.

Hover Furniture. It is your future, just three years away.

* Does time traveling get you down? Never know what to wear or how many pairs of underwear to pack? Well, we have a solution for that too!







And THIS is why this post wasn't ready on time.  I have started a Kickstarter to actually manufacture these underwear sets. Check it out HERE [link redacted] and share it with everyone you know who loves Dr. Who and/or Back to the Future. If the project gets fully funded, I will be giving away two sets of undies here to two lucky readers as a way to celebrate!


 Early entries are available by sharing a link to my kickstart project on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or on your blog, and sending me a link to where you shared it, here or on Cheeseblarg's message function on facebook (early entries will be meticulously record, because that's what I do). No spamming though, please! Only 4 early entries possible.

Are You Experienced?

One of the crappiest things people can do, in my opinion, is insisting, when someone reports their personal experience, that said person with experience is clearly stupid/crazy/lying/in denial and is unaware of what is going on in their own life.

This applies to all sorts of experiences,
Like fat people who are told:

or writers of blargs who are told:
JUST STOP BEING DEPRESSED! YOU WON'T HURT IF YOU JUST GET OVER YOUR LIFE CRUSHING DEPRESSION!
Yeah. Not depressed.
DEPRESSION MANIFESTS IN COUNTLESS WAYS!
Does it ever manifest in being happy and content with your life, and being really motivated, because then maybe, yes, I am terribly depressed, but otherwise, NO, I AM NOT AND I AM GOING TO SHOVE A WAREHOUSE FULL OF TWINKIES UP YOUR BUTT IF YOU DON'T STOP TELLING ME I AM!

If someone is trying to tell you that your account of your own experience is wrong, or tries to assign feelings to you without really listening to you or even asking you how you feel, chances are, they are either trying to manipulate you, or they are an asshole.

After having been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last week, I was sent to see a therapist yesterday to treat my "depression caused" Fibromyalgia. I willingly submitted to testing and answered questions on a little digital box to measure my sanity:

Er, does that count having to wake up to pee 10 times a night?
No. You have a reason for that, it means if you don't have a valid reason.
Okay, then no.

What? I don't abuse drugs at all! What the hell kind of question is this!? I don't think you can abuse a substance less than not doing them at all, unless I started doing nice things for drugs, like making them fancy dream houses with a working elevator or something?

False?

What's going on here? I mean they haven't in a while.

 Well, I guess true, now...


And after about 10 minutes, I had read and answered all of the questions to the best of my ability, since it asked many loaded questions along the line of "Have you stopped beating your wife? Y/N" What!? Wait! I don't even have a wife. Crap. This test should have been written by someone with a background in ambiguities.

And then the very lovely man who was assigned to talk to me plugged the test box into the the computer and a piece of paper issued from his printer with my results and after reviewing them, he said "As I am sure you are well aware, there is not a damned thing wrong with you psychologically." Which is what I have been saying to my doctors all along.

What Nerds Think: About Attractive People

I saw someone today with one of the most symmetrical faces I have ever seen. 

Chicken Butt

My nephew is now in the habit of greeting me with the following each afternoon when I pick him up  from school. It is my least favorite game of all.

Regrouping and Floor Cleaning

Fuck this moping shit. This needs to be the year of the JRose. I mean, last year I also declared it the year of the JRose (actually it was the "year of winning" but then Charlie Sheen had to go and implode and take my phrase and then I felt weird using it, but damn it, you get the idea), and in reality, for all the other crap, it was pretty much, indeed, a year of winning.  My campaign of terror on @blogger over at twitter, plus my sheer awesomeness, won me Blog of Note, allowing me to meet so many of you Cheeseblargians, which is fairly coincidental that you should already be called Cheeseblargians and then you should follow a site called "da Cheeseblarg."

I also um... I... won .. um... hrm.. I got my art published in a cookbook (Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen: Cookin' for Trouble) that I don't have a copy of so it may not actually be in there, so I am just going to assume it is because I signed a waiver saying it could be.  AND someone contacted me wanting to use a bad painting I did of David Hasselhoff in panties for the green room of some show he was going to be on to make him uncomfortable, though I never actually heard back from them...

The really bad painting in question. It's awful. I should have painted the one with the Shar Pei puppies.

 and then Conan O'Brien had my Coco Llama in his gallery AND talked about it after saying my name and another campaign of terror got me to NYC because I was in an art show in NYC and needed to see it in person, which was a life-long goal realized. Plus, I made a bunch of kick ass art. So this year, instead of bitching about bitchy shit, I just need to be winning-er. Being super win-y will make my shit crap health issues suck less by comparison. Especially if I become not poor while winning.

So let's start with the Shorty Awards under the category of blogging, because they didn't have a category for blarging, and I am nothing if not flexible.
Just scoot on over to this link (I imagine you should have a twitter account but why not try anyway) [link redacted] and tell them why I am the best blarger that ever lived (I stress "blarger."  I'm the only one, right? Or the original, at least? It should be easy to say I am the best without feeling like you are lying).

Then I seriously need to get this friggen celebrity endorsement, even if I need to become a celebrity myself and then do my own endorsement. It doesn't work that way does it? Well, I'll figure it out.


Point is, if I want my life to not be ruled by sucky aspects, I am gonna have to take it by the flappy bits and and shake it and say "HEY LIFE, STOP SUCKING. Health is not the only thing around. There's also internet awards, and celebrities who may someday pay attention to you, and  Bacon Jerky. And there are readers who give a shit and will be okay if you can't draw all the time, and frosting, and THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" At which point I imagine people will just stare at me and crickets will chirp, because UHF is a highly underrated movie.

Hanukkah 2011- 7th Night- There was a sale!

This is usually the sweet spot.  The day after Christmas sometimes can bring some AWESOME gifts that are now half-price and cheap enough to buy for people you care about. And sometimes, it can just bring a lot of cheap crap that you still don't want but OMG, there is more of it. YAY!

Guess which one you got tonight!

(see another post if you can't figure out how to open the present)

Hanukkah 2011- 6th Night- Merry Christmas!

My family isn't even bothering with Hanukkah tonight.  We will light the candles, of course, because that is what you do, and maybe eat a leftover latke with our remaining Christmas ham, but there are no presents for tonight.  We got a buttload this morning, and as I said last year, the rest of the shopping for a Hanukkah that lasts through (or starts after) Christmas, is done at the half price sales on the 26th.

So instead of a gift tonight, I'm sharing some of the joys of my Christmas.

I made new ornaments for my paper Christmas tree. Each one relates to a major happiness from 2011.

I made a llama truffle army.  They look like they opened the Ark of the Covenant, but I've been assured they are still delicious, despite the fact that my fine motor coordination makes it look like they were made by toddlers. They are peppermint brownie truffles, for the record. This is likely my last foray into making these fucking things ever again, unless I somehow become bionic and regain said lost coordination.

And because of AMAZING AWESOME reader Sarah T., I was able to send out small packages of goodies to several of my friends, which did the trick to lift my humbug grump. Thanks, Sarah!

And my nephew is entirely adorable, which always helps. Here he is, pretending to be The Bloggess. 

Hanukkah 2011- 5th Night- All things that are good.

Last night I got a bacon cheeseball for Hanukkah. It wasn't real bacon at least, but it was a cheeseball, that was wrapped in wrapping paper... It still was better than the gift I gave you guys last night. You were all VERY gracious though.  So gracious, in fact, that I am giving you another AWESOME present. Again, in the form of a video.  Again, fairly weird and inappropriate (aka not kid safe), just like me!

You have to light the candles every nights or you CAN'T have your GIFTS! 

(open the present by clicking on the next line or scrolling, motherlicker)

Hanukkah 2011- 4th Night- Goodness Gracious

We are trying to teach my nephew the skill of being gracious. When you are going to get crappy gifts, you need to just suck it up and be as gracious as possible, because as much as we all are thinking it, it makes people angry when you say "I don't want this. Can I have something else?"

Tonight, I am testing your graciousness. And by that, I mean I got you a BEAUTIFUL piece of art that made me think of you the moment I saw it. I just KNOW you will LOVE IT!

Bonus points if you print it out and display it and provide me with proof in your thank you note.

(look over there to the left, click to open this OR scroll down)

Hanukkah 2011- 3rd Night- Spuna Snax!

A common Hanukkah present theme is bargain food items, and here I am representing. I even have recipe ideas I've drawn up  for you! Enjoy!

Baru hata adanoi... I don't know how to really transcribe Hebrew but that is how it sounds to me... probably a lot like the song Ken Lee to a real Hebrew speaker...

Nom nom click/scroll

Hanukkah 2011- 2nd Night- Chainsaw

This is actually a really good present, which is out of character for me... but only if you have a sense of humor and don't have kids around, because it is entirely not safe for kids, work, or anyplace else where you cannot listen to music that has dirty words and concepts in it... but it is one of my favorite inappropriate funny songs. 

This also kinda conveys my feelings pretty accurately... but you have to listen until the end. ;)

(click to open... or just friggen scroll down)

Hanukkah 2011- 1st Night- Pee Wee's Playhouse

Like last year (and as I plan to do as long as I write this blarg) I am celebrating Hanukkah with all of you.
Don't get excited. Hanukkah gifts are never good, unless your parents are really rich and have something to prove and I am neither your parents, nor rich. I am funny... so this Hanukkah will be funny, and cheap, and fairly inappropriate.

On the first night of Hanukkah I got you:

(If you are visiting the site, you get to click the link below to open your presents...otherwise it will just look weird and you will have to pretend you are opening things as you scroll down)

Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan- Macy's Day Parade

I've not woken up earlier enough to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in years.  Certainly not since I moved to Montana, as we are two hours behind the East coast and I would have to wake at 7 am to see it (and nope, no DVR either) and I only wake up that early if I am in dire pain or my bladder is being a jerk.

But what good timing, my first piece from the Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan series is done, and as promised, I have overtaken a famous New York landmark with a well known Cheeseblarg icon.  And in case you don't wake up early enough to see the Macy's Day Parade (which is what James, the fabulous tour guide, told us real New Yorkers call it), you can just pretend this really happened.

Do feel free to biggify this to see all the details that I spent ten hours drawing 

(which is like the equivalent of 40 hours for most other artists).

Poster prints are now on sale at Zazzle in several different sizes if you are interested!

Macy's Day Parade by cheeseblarg
Browse more Macy Posters


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The Mouse in the House

There's a mouse in my house, which is difficult for me, because while I don't want vermin in my house, I like mice a lot and I don't want to be part of crushing their little skulls or otherwise ending their lives just to rid my house of creatures that are probably going to give me the plague, or Ebola, or some variation of mouse-related cancer.

But, if they would meet my demands, they could totally stay.

click to see bigger

p.s. The Halloween Scavenger Hunt deadline is being extended as several people have let me know that they need more time. Remember, you don't have to get all the pictures... the person who gets the most first is the winner. 

NaBlaPoMo, Dontcha Know!

I've decided I am going to do NaBloPoMo (or NaBlaPoMo, in my case)... however, that is going to require that I stop drowning my sorrow in leftover Halloween candy, because otherwise, I am going to be in a candy-induced Carb Coma ™ for the remainder of November, which will make posting EVERY DAY very difficult.

To update, still haven't gotten my money back from Paypal. The remainder of my money was stolen moments before midnight the night before last because for some reason, probably having to do with stupid optimism, naïveté, and a desire for a cheeseburger, my Paypal credit card was not canceled, and I was not given the option to block the hell out of iTunes until the rest of my money was gone... JRose is a little stressed.

But I will be posting every day of National Blarg Posting Month, so you should have at least something to read each day. Be here or be part and parcel of my complete and total mental breakdown!

Cheers!

The Good, the Bad, and the Cheeseblarg takes Manhattan.

The bad news: Despite all the wonderful people willing to back me with a total of $974 (plus $40 more sent directly to me) and the news story on me by my local news station (thanks Marnee!), I did not meet my goal amount on Kickstarter in time and all of the pledges were canceled.

The good news: Thanks to Kelly providing a ticket for me, I was able to convince my darling mother that it would be a travesty of justice if I didn't get to go to New York City for my debut art show there, and she begrudgingly agreed to accompany me and eat Greek food* and pay for what I couldn't at this point using her credit, which is thankfully better than mine.

The bad news: I may very well be an indentured servant for the rest of my life until I pay off this trip so all of my posts will be about washing dishes and crying from now on.

The good news: "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" is still on!

Artist's rendering of self in NYC

If anyone would like to take advantage of the rewards below, still, your money will go directly to the trip/project and your art will be delivered in the time windows indicated, just like before. 

GIVE $1 OR MORE

A digital donation badge featuring art from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series.

Estimated Delivery: Nov 2011

GIVE $10 OR MORE

A postcard from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE $25 OR MORE

A postcard and mini print from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE $50 OR MORE

A 12" signed print from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series (of your choice).

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE  $75 OR MORE

A 12" signed print from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series (of your choice), plus a postcard and mini print from the series.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

GIVE  $200 OR MORE

One signed museum quality giclee print (of your choice) from the "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series up to 24 inches.

Estimated Delivery: Dec 2011

BACKER REPORT

GIVE  $1,000 OR MORE

A set of limited edition signed museum quality giclee prints from "Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan" series. (approximately 10" each- 200 in edition- set includes 5 or more prints)

Estimated Delivery: Jan 2012

Please be sure to include your address so your art can be sent to you!
And thank you again, for all your support!

I will be blogging at least once from New York, and will be updating the Facebook page and twitter with pictures and stuff.  I leave Monday. Any New Yorkers (or localy people) are welcome to come to meet me at art show Monday night (will post time I'll be there on facebook or twitter). I promise I'll try not to throw up on you.

*and Indian food, and German food, and Katz's Deli, and whatever street food we can get our hands on... ad nauseum.

Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan- An Update

I would like to announce that my friend and great patron Kelly L. is friggen amazing. 

While I still need to raise quite a bit of money (we've gotten up to 28 percent), thanks to Kelly and her frequent flyer miles, my plane ticket to NYC is now covered. Booked actually. 

I'm trying to get as much coverage on this as I can. There are only 5 days left and I think we really can meet this goal.  I need to get the word out, though, because now I have a ticket and I don't think that sleeping on the streets of NYC is legal or advisable for tourists.  So again, even a dollar can help (and has a prize) and all sharing of my project can make a difference.... as can coming up with awesome ideas like Kelly's that cost no extra money but get me where I need to be.

I can't even express how amazing it is that my plans seem to actually be working for once, and I am hoping against hopes that this is not part of the Experiment. 

Want more information on this post? See Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan!  Go, and make sure to watch the videos.  And remember, I don't get any money, at all, unless my goal amount is reached.  This is not a donation, but an investment in art and da Cheeseblarg. I get NO money unless I get enough pledges.