American Horror Story: Chibi Asylum

A new season of American Horror Story has begun, and I want it to be Wednesday EVERYDAY!

I have a crush on Evan Peters, who played Tate last season, and who plays Kit this season, and I have figured out that I might be more perverted than I thought, since reading all the pre-show hype, I was most excited about seeing him being caned, and the show has not disappointed.

That face is part and parcel to my ridiculous, inappropriate crush.

Anyway, beyond me lusting after a boy who was born when I was in the 6th grade, the show is just really entertaining. So much so that I have created my own version of it, for my own entertainment and hopefully for the entertainment of others. I didn't really think of anything to say about this when I started drawing, so uh, TADA??

I encourage you to make it larger to enjoy the details, and feel free to share it. 

I also realize that if you don't watch the show, you aren't getting a damned thing out of this post (other than a hearty recommendation to watch the show), and I feel bad, so um...

Here is a failed concept that I drew.  My Little Llamas, not unlike My Little Ponies, only probably smellier, and named after snack food.

Warning, Meteorites!

I honestly had no idea what this sign meant, despite driving past it countless times when driving through my friend's neighborhood. I always thought it meant "Look out for Meteorites!" You've gotta give it to me though, it DOES look way more like a meteorite than an eye. In fact, I think, when informed that it was a Neighborhood Watch sign, I actually said, "What do meteorites have to do with crime?"

I like to imagine it being left over from the Cretaceous Period. If only they had had a Meteorite watch... if only.

How to tell if someone is depressed, or maybe a hipster.

I couldn't be bothered to put on pants today to leave the house.

I don't mean I went out buck-assed naked on the bottom half, I just couldn't be bothered to put on ACTUAL pants to leave the house today.  Nor a bra.

I was just going to pick my nephew up from school and knew I was not getting out of my car (unless it somehow exploded into flames or something), so I think I am still safe.  When I start walking around in public wearing pajama pants and an old shirt with no bra, it is probably time for medication.

Although, one time, when I was in college, I decided that I would wear my flannel pajama top with a pair of jeans because it was cold out and I thought the top was cute.  I ended up at the health clinic and a lovely, but very concerned doctor tried to diagnose me with depression.  I assured him I had a raging case of weirdness, but that I had not giving up on life because I made ill-advised fashion choices.

It's the bra, really.  As long as someone who needs it is wearing a bra or some sort of chestal support with non-sexy clothing , I am willing to believe that they still have some sort of hold on their sanity. As long as the bra is worn as prescribed, of course.  It doesn't count if it is on the outside of their clothes, or on their head.  And even that can be argued for the sake of fashion, I suppose. I really don't know how to gauge it for people who don't need bras. Not brushing their hair? Wearing sweatpants to work when their job does not involve working out in cold climates? Am I just describing hipsters now?

The Crazy Eyes

Here is some special insider artist information from me to the blargisphere... just in case you find yourself being constantly called crazy (in part) because you take bizarre pictures that end up on the fronts of magazines and the world continues to make fun of you...

It's really in the positioning. Any show of over iris gives that alarmed/rabid animal look. This is a no-no if you want to appear sane. In general, the lids should touch the top and bottom of the iris, but most people can get away with some under iris before they get to full dismissive eyeroll territory.

Also, for the record: Eyes should match.  So there you go... because I like to be helpful.

How I learned to be happy thanks to Harry Potter.

Up until 2002, I suffered from a terminal case of "cool kids disease."  This is an affliction wherein you are WAY too cool to pay attention to anything that is popular to the masses.  In fact, instead of just ignoring these things, you actively hate on them and make obnoxious comments about how stupid everyone who likes anything popular is.  It is a terrible affliction that hundreds of thousands of teens and young adults still suffer from.

I, however, found my cure in cheapness.  See, I actively avoided Harry Potter, though many of my friends and acquaintances loved it, and so when "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" came on HBO, since I was PAYING for the dumb channel anyway, I recorded it to watch when there was nothing else on. And it was in that moment, when "Eh, it's on and I am paying for the channel so I might as well watch the stupid thing" beat out, "I'm WAY too cool to watch popular things," that I learned that sometimes, thing are popular, because they are freaking AWESOME!

And so I watched the movie, and then forced my husband to watch the movie, and then watched the movie a billion more times (every time it was on, East and West Coast). And as soon as it opened, I went to the library and checked out all the books and read them in rapid succession.

At that point, the series was only up to"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" and "The Chamber of Secrets" was just coming out in the theaters, and so I joined in on the Harry Potter mania with full gusto.  The next year, I pre-ordered "Order of the Phoenix" from a local bookstore and spent an entire family vacation worrying about whether I would make it home in time to get my copy. I attended all the midnight premiers from "Prisoner of Azkaban" on. I read the supplemental books, and re-read all the books each time a new one came out. I read Mugglenet everyday, and drew fan art, and read theories, and immersed myself completely in fandom. And I was happy. I was no longer avoiding things to be cool and missing out on things that had the potential to bring me immense joy.

So now, when some popular book, or show, or movie comes along, instead of willfully ignoring it, I investigate. I want to know for myself if this could be my next Harry Potter, or at the very least, just a moment of happiness I would have otherwise missed out on by being too cool to like things.

Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon.

Our Harry Potter series continues!

Today, in Hogwarts' Great Hall, Jen Yates of Cakewrecks  faces a Howler from an angry reader who is disgusted by her insensitivity when discussing Cauldron Cakes.  And she didn't even start on the CCCs (Cauldron Cake Cakes... ptooey!).

Go visit Cakewrecks, but go to the bathroom first. Trust me.  You don't want to have an accident.
And if you like nerdy and awesome things, including some awesome DIY projects, visit her other blog, Epbot!

I shouldn't have said that!

Well, hello there. I continue, today, with my Harry Potter series (as I said I would. . . I totally wasn't kidding).  This is Allie Brosh, in the style of Allie Brosh, but drawn by me, who is JRose and not Allie Brosh (and if you have been paying attention, you know what the J stands for... it is like a little puzzle, and it will be on the final exam) even though I do a good likeness of her style, I would say.

"Who is this Allie Brosh?" you say. 

"Who are YOU?" I say... "Oh, you are one of my wonderful readers? Then why am I being so rude to you?"  Oh, I remember, because I double mega heart Allie Brosh, who is the fantastic and incredibly humorous writer of Hyperbole and a Half.

Here she is today soothing a "simple dog" version of Fluffy.

Now, go read her blog, but remember to come back. I post more often. 

Expecto Patronum- Wiener Dog

Building up to the release of the FINAL HARRY POTTER MOVIE, (OMG WHAA!) I am doing a small series of some of my favorite internet people using various Harry Potter themes. I'm starting with Ray William Johnson of "Equals Three" on youtube with his patronus at Hogwarts because... because I have had this planned for a long time and his patronus was easiest for me to figure out.

If you have never watched =3, Ray reviews viral videos with humorous commentary. Here is one of my favorite ones.  Be warned, they are not appropriate for kids.  They are not politically correct (though this is one of the less offensive ones), but they do make me laugh.

Gingivitis was the true reason for extinction!

More dinosaur facts from my Nephypoo (who turns 5 this Sunday! Whee!):

"Dinosaurs can't brush their teeth because their arms are too short!"

These are a few more of my favorite things!

I received this award from Mollie at OK in UK a bit ago (check another off my list of goals, though, I am glad to accept many more... many more... who would like to be my award coordinator intern?)

And it was supposed to come with the caveat of listing 10 of your favorite things, but that was waved for me since I am clearly too famous and important to play by the rules (which is not at all true, but I am a bit of a bastard and the point is, I was planning on doing these anyway, and it was convenient, though it took me a couple weeks to motivate myself to actually do my illustrations... otherwise, I may have taken the out and looked like the jerk I really am... which you now know I am from reading this... shit.).

So, my 10 favorite things in the following categories:


Food:

Bacon

Color:

The color of your eyelids when you close you eyes and turn your face to the sun on a warm day.

Sound:

A tie between

Get sound effects & royalty free music at AudioMicro.

The sound of a ratchet

and 

The call of a mourning dove

Smell:

Dank Mud *scratch and sniff* 

(I kid, leave your poor monitor alone!)

Cleaning Product:

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser- still...

80's Cartoon about underwater creatures:

The Snorks

Flavor of Pudding:

Butterscotch... mmmm.

Letter to write in cursive:

That's an L.

Kind of cheese (suggested by Bonnie at the FB fanpage):

Gouda... or Butterkase, which is really plain looking and not very fun to draw.

And finally, my favorite video game:

Na na na na na na na na na na, Katamari Damacy!

And... If you wanted to answer your favorites in these categories (with illustrations) on your blog, I will happily come and look at them if you direct me to the post! 

Thanks again, Mollie... and I look forward to working with you voluntary unpaid award coordinator, whoever you might be! 

Spring is for the birds!

This morning it was bright and warm outside when I woke up, around 50 degrees F, which is pretty spring-like. As a result, I'm fairly certain every single bird in Montana was perched outside of my open window tweeting their effing heads off.
I don't like tweety, squawky birds. Totally fine with hooters (heh, heh), and screechers, and cooers, and I can deal with some clucking, and quacking, and warbling, but dear lord, I can't take the chirpy, chittering, ear-bleeding din of happy little birds. I have no problem with them being happy; I'm happy that I shall no longer have to consider self-immolation thanks to warming temperatures, but I'm not outside with my friends yelling about it.

And stay tuned.  I shall have a special post for when I reach 700 followers which I hope shall be tomorrow. Feel free to peer pressure your friends  into following on my behalf. All the cool kids are doing it!

Non-Famous Twitter Illustrations #1

I know there is a blog out there that takes famous people's interesting and/or funny tweets and illustrates them, which is a brilliant idea, but also someone else's idea, so I figured I would take random people's tweets that are not terribly interesting or funny and illustrate them. I'm going to start with my search for the word cheese, for possibly obvious reasons... hopefully obvious? Seriously, do you even know where you are?

 Really, it was only because my first choice of  "llama" didn't pan out.

Anyway, here is one from @MsReeseCups* on twitter:

"Cheese and doe!"

Yeah, she probably meant "dough" but that wouldn't have made for nearly as cute of an illustration, though it would have been the start of  a delicious pizza.

*How delicious are Reese's Cups!? Really... I mean unless you are allergic to peanuts and then ack... well, possibly still delicious but then, also potentially deadly... or if you are not American and/or don't like peanut butter... they probably taste pretty crappy to you. Never mind, going with delicious!

The Taking Tree

Is it just me or is the Giving Tree about an apple tree and a sociopath with auditory hallucinations?

Okay, fine, maybe not, but that book always makes me cry and I really dislike that jerk kid.


If you've never read the story, you can see it here.

The Case of the Cotton Candy Tree- SOLVED

So you know how I posted this tree the other day?

It was a tree Farmville didn't have*, which is why I drew it... 'cause a cotton candy tree is pretty boss, right?
And apparently someone at Farmville thought so too, because 5 days after I posted this image... which received an enormous amount of hits this weekend, thanks to a link from Cakewrecks, they created THIS:

Hrm, what an awesome idea... a cotton candy tree!

With a grey trunk, with white stripes on it...

That they are selling... 

That seems to be made on the fly because it is programmed with the information for a gum tree, not a cotton candy tree, but these things happen, right?

I'm not saying that Farmville has people stalking me to steal my ideas, because that would just be nutty, but I don't think it is outside the realm of possibility that my tree was seen and it inspired someone to create this as a result.

Until it is proven otherwise, I think I should put "concept artist for Farmville/Zynga" on my resume'.

*Proven otherwise, apparently they had it as a special item for a week during November, when I wasn't playing...I'm a dork... total coincidence, this is what happens when you're neurotic kids. Sorry FarmVille... nothing to see here.

Hungry Mungry

I've never actually seen it happen, but I am fairly certain that my husband turns into some sort of a monster when he is excessively hungry.  I see the warning signs all the time, and the aftermath, but I've never seen the actual transition.  The following is an artist's rendition of the likely transformation:

Daylight Normal Husband- moderately hungry

Late-Night Monster Husband- clearly starving

I've surmised that this must be the case because:
a) he is incapable of remembering directions when hungry, especially of what he is NOT supposed to eat.
b) during the stages between hungry and starving, he becomes incredibly unpleasant to be around, although he is usually pretty nice to be around, otherwise.
and
c) he keeps blaming disappearing food on "damned kitchen gnomes" so he is clearly blacking out during these times as he would NEVER pass the blame unfairly onto imaginary creatures.

Now, my husband is not a big guy, muscley yet petite, but in the past, I have gone to work and come home to find 2 pounds of chili gone, entire blueberry loaf cakes, full packages of sausages, all the leftover Thanksgiving turkey. There was also the "leftover incident" in which we woke to find that he had eaten the entire box of leftovers from our roommate's family dinner.  Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole-- ate every last bit of it. The monster seems to favor turkey.  I also have learned that I either need to hide batches of cookies or face making more when baking for the holidays because the monster likes to get together with the kitchen gnomes and steal them when I leave them on the table to cool before sending them out as presents.

And I've figured out the monster can't read, because leaving notes on things, like "DO NOT EAT THESE, I MEAN IT!!!" doesn't work.  The only plan of action that has worked is to make sure that the man is regularly fed so I don't have to go all squirrelly, hiding things so I can have them when I want them.  Though, I have found that neither my husband NOR the monster is capable of finding things if I put them behind or underneath something else.  It is like an special refrigerator/pantry invisibility cloak.

Jurassic Lunch

Even though I still seem to be sick with "February Mystery Illness," despite eating ice cream for dinner last night, which I was assured would cure me, I do have something to share.

My nephew informed me this afternoon that dinosaurs lived THOUSANDS of years ago and that they liked eating spaghetti for lunch.

That is all.

The pencil mustache was my purely my idea.

Sometimes, fearing the shadows is a good idea.

I've been accused of being pessimistic before, and I really don't think that I am.  I always hope for the best, I believe good things can and will happen, I just think that you have to be realistic in regards to what you might be facing, instead of blindly optimistic. The actual interaction below is an example of my "constructive pessimism."


"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby." ~ Ruth E. Renkel

 "Yes, the light the rapist needs to see you walking by as he lurks in the shadow." ~ JRose

Monster Math- Zombies and Negative Numbers

It’s been a while, but Monster Math is back and it's coming to get you, Martha!  Today, we will be battling the number apocalypse with :

NEGATIVE NUMBERS - Zombies and Survivors

First of all we have two teams, positive numbers, which are represented by living humans, or survivors, and negative numbers, which are then, obviously, the undead, zeds, zombies.

positive numbers                      negative numbers

ADDITION

Let’s start with an addition word problem. Addition with negative numbers is just comparing, canceling, and letting the bodies fall as they will.

We have seven humans, hiding out in a rickety old warehouse, with a surprisingly large arsenal of shotguns and buckshot.  Five ambling undead come stumbling out of the local cemetery that has been rained upon by an unknown chemical that reanimates corpses, most likely created by the government as a chemical warfare agent. Who will survive the inevitable fight?

This would be represented as 7+ -5.

Now, our humans are not trained in combat at all, and whether they are or not, to fit the plot of the math problem, we know that they are incredibly bad at fighting zombies and anyone who kills a zombie ends up getting bitten and must die.  As in real life, if there is a zombie attack, it is best to hide and stay out of it, but alas, these are brave, if not foolhardy,  little positive humans and so, they are jumping right into this fight.

Phoenix, You ARE the Father!

There has been a bit of discussion in the comments of my previous post of as to what Sparkles' offspring would look like, after the assertion that boy unicorns MAY NOT exist and that the Phoenix may in fact be the father.
I have rendered a few of the options mentioned, though the favorite that I imagined was a penguin (Phoenix+Unicorn=Unix?).

Of the bunch I drew, the one perched in the grapefruit tree whom I have dubbed "Sprinkles" is my fave!

Sparkles is Pregnant??

This is actually in response to the following post from Jen Yates of Cakewrecks and EPBOT

http://www.epbot.com/2011/01/how-we-amuse-ourselves.html - wherein she and her husband describe the wildlife in their background.  I felt it needed illustration:

Edit- There has been some discussion on what Sparkles' offspring should look like in the comments- now illustrated here.