Happy New Year!

Many years ago, I made a resolution not to make any more resolutions, and I've stuck to it since.  It is a shame, because I am really good at sticking to resolutions.  For example, I resolved, after breaking up with Evil Mike never to date anyone, ever again, who I did not find at least reasonably attractive upon first seeing them. That worked out well for me since my husband is pretty cute.

I think if I were to make resolutions, it would only be right for them to be ridiculous and super easy.  Like:

or perhaps:

I resolve to annoy celebrities on twitter until one of them finally acknowledges me as awesome OR blocks me.


Resolving not to do things seems like a drag. I have enough opportunities to be disappointed in myself naturally (still neurotic), I don't need to manufacture any more that I then declare publicly, giving other people the opportunity to be disappointed in me too. I think if you are gonna set up rules for yourself, they should make you happy, not miserable. So if you are still into resolving stuff, go easy on yourself, and please consider making at least one funny/easy resolution so you can feel like a success and add some laughter to your life... and then tell me about it so I can laugh too.

And hey, because I am a nerd and can't help myself, SEE YOU NEXT YEAR! =P

Grammar Guide: I vs. Me (starring @JasonSegel and @MarthaStewart)

I know that a lot of people have trouble figuring out whether to use "I" or "me" when referring to one's self and someone else.

I am assuming we know it is considered correct (and polite or something) to put the other person first, but here is a trick to figure out if you should use ME or I.

We will employ the skills of the incredibly handsome and talented Jason Segel (who I might just have a GIANT crush on) and the fancy cookie maker, Martha Stewart, for this guide.

So we start out with our statement: "Martha and me want cookies!"

Then we take away Martha so we are all alone with Jason Segel (hubba hubba).

And we repeat the phrase again, without Martha this time.

Clearly, it is not correct, so it would be "Martha and I want cookies."

And it sounds just as weird when you reverse it.

 And yes, yes, I screw up on grammar, I am sure. I am not an English major... I'm an art major, but this should help. Don't give me shit. I am still sore that Jason Segel ditched on the skinny dipping.

Hanukkah 2011- 8th Night- From Us to You!

It's the last night of Hanukkah. Despite what calendars say, it is over now. Tomorrow is the last day, but Jews don't acknowledge days. We are like the vampires of the holiday world.
It has been a wild ride. You got some crappy gifts, I did too, but it was fun. Wasn't it? Okay, it wasn't terribly painful? Maybe a little? But the fun kind? Damn it, people!

Whatever, here is your stupid jerk gift.

(unwrap it... with the link below... or scroll... wow, this has been tedious telling people how to access a webpage...)

Hanukkah 2011- 7th Night- There was a sale!

This is usually the sweet spot.  The day after Christmas sometimes can bring some AWESOME gifts that are now half-price and cheap enough to buy for people you care about. And sometimes, it can just bring a lot of cheap crap that you still don't want but OMG, there is more of it. YAY!

Guess which one you got tonight!

(see another post if you can't figure out how to open the present)

Hanukkah 2011- 6th Night- Merry Christmas!

My family isn't even bothering with Hanukkah tonight.  We will light the candles, of course, because that is what you do, and maybe eat a leftover latke with our remaining Christmas ham, but there are no presents for tonight.  We got a buttload this morning, and as I said last year, the rest of the shopping for a Hanukkah that lasts through (or starts after) Christmas, is done at the half price sales on the 26th.

So instead of a gift tonight, I'm sharing some of the joys of my Christmas.

I made new ornaments for my paper Christmas tree. Each one relates to a major happiness from 2011.

I made a llama truffle army.  They look like they opened the Ark of the Covenant, but I've been assured they are still delicious, despite the fact that my fine motor coordination makes it look like they were made by toddlers. They are peppermint brownie truffles, for the record. This is likely my last foray into making these fucking things ever again, unless I somehow become bionic and regain said lost coordination.

And because of AMAZING AWESOME reader Sarah T., I was able to send out small packages of goodies to several of my friends, which did the trick to lift my humbug grump. Thanks, Sarah!

And my nephew is entirely adorable, which always helps. Here he is, pretending to be The Bloggess. 

Hanukkah 2011- 5th Night- All things that are good.

Last night I got a bacon cheeseball for Hanukkah. It wasn't real bacon at least, but it was a cheeseball, that was wrapped in wrapping paper... It still was better than the gift I gave you guys last night. You were all VERY gracious though.  So gracious, in fact, that I am giving you another AWESOME present. Again, in the form of a video.  Again, fairly weird and inappropriate (aka not kid safe), just like me!

You have to light the candles every nights or you CAN'T have your GIFTS! 

(open the present by clicking on the next line or scrolling, motherlicker)

Hanukkah 2011- 4th Night- Goodness Gracious

We are trying to teach my nephew the skill of being gracious. When you are going to get crappy gifts, you need to just suck it up and be as gracious as possible, because as much as we all are thinking it, it makes people angry when you say "I don't want this. Can I have something else?"

Tonight, I am testing your graciousness. And by that, I mean I got you a BEAUTIFUL piece of art that made me think of you the moment I saw it. I just KNOW you will LOVE IT!

Bonus points if you print it out and display it and provide me with proof in your thank you note.

(look over there to the left, click to open this OR scroll down)

Hanukkah 2011- 3rd Night- Spuna Snax!

A common Hanukkah present theme is bargain food items, and here I am representing. I even have recipe ideas I've drawn up  for you! Enjoy!

Baru hata adanoi... I don't know how to really transcribe Hebrew but that is how it sounds to me... probably a lot like the song Ken Lee to a real Hebrew speaker...

Nom nom click/scroll

Hanukkah 2011- 2nd Night- Chainsaw

This is actually a really good present, which is out of character for me... but only if you have a sense of humor and don't have kids around, because it is entirely not safe for kids, work, or anyplace else where you cannot listen to music that has dirty words and concepts in it... but it is one of my favorite inappropriate funny songs. 

This also kinda conveys my feelings pretty accurately... but you have to listen until the end. ;)

(click to open... or just friggen scroll down)

Hanukkah 2011- 1st Night- Pee Wee's Playhouse

Like last year (and as I plan to do as long as I write this blarg) I am celebrating Hanukkah with all of you.
Don't get excited. Hanukkah gifts are never good, unless your parents are really rich and have something to prove and I am neither your parents, nor rich. I am funny... so this Hanukkah will be funny, and cheap, and fairly inappropriate.

On the first night of Hanukkah I got you:

(If you are visiting the site, you get to click the link below to open your presents...otherwise it will just look weird and you will have to pretend you are opening things as you scroll down)

How to Ensure a Prosperous New Year.

Everyone in my family is pretty damned funny.  My sister likes to start traditions in our family, and 14 years ago, shortly before she had our First Annual Christmas Weenie Roast (I don't know that we had more than one), she created the tradition of The Christmas Snake.

It goes thusly:
If you wake up Christmas morning with a bed full of snakes, you will have a prosperous and happy New Year... if you don't die of fright, from waking up with a bed full of (rubber) snakes.

And this is probably why non-Christian funny people shouldn't be trusted to come up with Christmas traditions.

Another time I thought I had cancer.

I learned yesterday that I don't like having needles stuck into my face.  I had an inkling before that it was the sort of thing that I would not be in to, but having it done totally cemented in my mind that I REALLY don't like it. I probably like it more than the prospect of having cancer though, which is why I allowed my doctor to put a needle into my face.  If he had just been like, "You know what would be fun? Stabbing you in the face with a needle!" and then he'd come at me all:

 I would have had to use my Hamster Style on him.

But why was a doctor sticking a needle into your face, JRose?

Funny you should ask.

On Friday, my face went all Volcano-mode and the mole by my nose did a dramatic recreation of the movie 2012.

I thought, eh, pimple, whatevs, because I like to talk to myself like I am cool and hep, as the kids say. I kept screwing with it 'til it popped because if I have a giant "end of the world" sort of face sore, I cannot do anything but poke and prod until it goes away or I pass out from pain.
I am not sure what it was, I don't think it was actually a pimple, but it had its sights on my signature mole which is now gone completely because it fell off.  PART OF MY FACE FELL OFF! One of my favorite parts of my face, too. I mean, I would miss my eyelids more, but I really liked that damned mole.

Of course, by "fell off" I mean I kept messing with the little flappy part that was threatening to fall off until it ripped off, but the results are the same, a bloody gross face hole that I was pretty sure was the deadliest kind of cancer, because I always think everything is the worst thing it could ever be... and obviously, my inane expectation that I'm going to die eminently led me to the doctor's office where I allowed him to inject shots into my face to do a biopsy because while it probably isn't cancer, he says, it would super suck to be wrong.

And now I feel sorry for strangers who have to look at my post-biopsy face because I am sure they must feel uncomfortable looking at me. It kind of looks like someone put a cigarette out on my face, which should totally be my story if anyone breaks social code and asks why I am so horribly disfigured.

Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan- It's a Trap(tor)!

The final piece for Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan is done, and I have waited to share it until now because I wanted to post the news that I was putting it on Threadless so that hopefully it can be made into a T-shirt that will get me paid so I can stop bitching about money all the time. Please, go vote. Make everyone you know vote. Everyone wants me to shut the hell up about money and this would be a start.

I also find it strange that I consistently typo the word SHIRT as SHIT.  It is like typing Tourette's.

Score this design: "It's a Trap(tor)!," to help it get printed on Threadless!

And if you would like a 15" museum quality print of this piece of art for $85, just email me me using the email at the bottom of the page.

Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan- Narwhal of Liberty

I've finished another from the Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan series just last night and started on the last planned piece. Here it is. And remember, Cheeseblarg Merchandise makes great Holiday Gifts!

Narwhal of Liberty by cheeseblarg
Posters for sale on Zazzle

Macy's Day Parade Postcards for sale on Etsy
or get one for a bit less, perhaps on ebay.
I have two being auctioned.
(click here to see them)

As a bonus, there is a piece for sale in my Etsy store (that is fairly NSFW) from the time my work was on Regretsy.

Scrooged.

I'm having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year.

For the first time in. . . forever, actually, I think, I cannot afford to send gifts to my friends around the country.

Of course, they will understand, but the problem is, sending things out to people is also MY gift.

The whole process of baking fiddly things and then having to bake more because the monster version of my husband eats half the batch of cookies in the middle of the night, and packaging them up with funny labels, and dealing with the heinously rude jerk mail lady, Betty, after waiting in a giant line, sweating to death because I am wearing 2 sweaters and a fluffy coat and the post office is toasty warm, is my present to myself.
I don't get many presents, so I usually sustain myself by sending things out and being elf-like.  Not LOTR elf-like, more of the Harry Potter/Keeblerish type, and that I can't afford that right now kinda makes me one grumpy asshole.

And unfortunately, "Jesus" being "the reason for the season" doesn't really work for me, because I am Jewish and the Maccabees are the reason for the season, which doesn't ring quite as nicely, since they were an army, and long burning oil during a cleaning binge isn't terribly inspiring. So, barring some unexpected windfall,  I guess this year I'll gorge myself on latkes and Christmas cookies and then I'll go out and find some orphans to kick and maybe staple little antlers on some dormice.

As an aside, I've never understood why they make places so damned hot inside during the winter when people are dressed warmly anyway.  I mean, I don't need it to be negative degrees inside too, but it should be cool enough that people don't get heat stroke while waiting in line, buying eggnog.

Cake continues to be a lie.

Yes, I'm alive. Thank you for checking on me.  I went for a three-hour cruise on the S.S. F.U.NABLAPOMO and after several days of getting stranded on the isle of Mai Intestines Haight Me with the professor and Mary Ann, I am back.


And now that I can tentatively keep food down again, my body delivered the following message via twitter:

"I think I'd like Pepperidge Farm vanilla cake with chocolate frosting for breakfast. I don't have any but that's what my body wants."

Well, I mean, I wrote that, I don't have some internal twitterater, but it was a direct message from my body.

So I set out to find my precious Pepperidge Farm Golden 3-Layer Cake, directly.

And then, 4 hours later:

THERE IS NO CAKE!

Seriously, this town is like a black hole of things that JRose wants to eat.



And yes, I am aware that I can ask my store to order things, but that doesn't put the cake in my mouth when I want it... which is now.

December Sticker Sale- Narwhal Ornament

Ornament Narwhal Sticker Price Options

Base Sticker US $2.00 USD Base Sticker International $3.00 USD Sticker + small donation $5.00 USD Sticker + large donation $10.00 USD Sticker + MEGA donation $20.00 USD

(for those viewing by RSS there is a button to buy the sticker on the actual page)




These stickers are only available during December. It is a limited edition sticker with only 25 available for sale. With shipping, each sticker is $2 USD. You can choose to send me more if you like, in case you are feeling generous, what with the holiday season and all, but of course, you don't have to.

 Each hand cut sticker is around 3.75  inches high by about 3.25 inches wide and has a matte finish. Will be sent first class mail by USPS.  For those outside the US, please choose the outside US option for the first sticker, and $2 for any additional sticker in the same order.



Why am I selling stickers?
Because people buy them and collecting things is fun.
Also, we've had no income since in May. And, stickers are awesome, are within my skill set, and I like making money using my skills.




Donation? Why would I give you a donation? Stop panhandling!
The "donation" is just an option to pay a little bit extra, if one feels like it- for example, if you feel you have gotten extra value out of me drawing for you and making you laugh on a somewhat regular basis. One of my favorite musicians offers her albums for "60 cents or more," online and I wanted to do something similar, but I couldn't do it the way I wanted to because I needed to keep track of how many items sell, since the stickers are limited edition. No one is obligated to send me more, but it is there if you want to. 
And stop being mean, I am not panhandling... I work hard on this blarg... Plus panhandling implies that I smell bad and have a sign. I have no sign.